"Then you will know that I am the Lord": thoughts on Ezekiel

Well, I'm in my last month of the 90 day Bible challenge and I can't believe I"ve made it this far!  I got behind in Isaiah and have somewhat skipped over it since we are studying it in BSF but I'm reading a few chapters of it each day to still be able to have done the whole Bible in 90 days (I would have been kinda bummed out to not complete the whole thing...) Today I will be reading through the books of Daniel & Hosea, but I wanted to stop and talk about Ezekiel a little bit.

Of all the prophets, I think this has been my favorite so far.  The ways that God instructs Ezekiel to act out His message are just crazy!  He eats a scroll, acts out a nighttime escape, shadowboxes, gesticulates, builds a model Jerusalem, lays on his left side for 390 days and his right for 40 days (while bound by cords...), and heartbreakingly does not mourn the death of his wife under instruction from God.  Just wild stuff.  The setting is in the Babylonian era in the early 500 B.C. era--in the midst of the exile of Isreal & Judah and their punishment and scattering among the nations.  (I'm definitely not an O.T. scholar, so forgive me if I got any of that wrong).  Ezekiel has graphic visions of heaven, God's glory, and heavenly beings, as well as the new temple. 

Of all of that though, what stuck out to me the most was the emphasis on God's glory, His name, and His reputation.  The great thing about reading through this so quickly is that it is really easy to pick up on themes & common phrases, and in this book more than any I have seen that repetition.  There is a lot of "I, the LORD, have spoken" phrases and "It is not for your sake, but for the sake of my holy name" but the one that is most repeated is "Then they will know that I am the LORD" (or some derivative of that--sometimes "you", sometimes "the nations", etc...). 

I actually went through and underlined each instance of this statment and from the first time I noticed it (in chapter 6) through it's last appearance in ch. 39, this phrase is repeated 64 times!  That's right, 64 times in 33 chapters (actually fewer chapters b/c some of the visions did not include it...)!  So why is this so imprtant?  Well, it obviously shows that God's glory and reputation is of utmost importance to Him, but I thought that the context of these statements show very important aspects of God's character.  I'm not going to go through all, but I want to examine some of the verses with this statement and what they say about the Lord.  (all quotes from the NAS version)

7:4 "For My eye will have no pity on you nor shall I spare you, but I shall bring your ways upon you, and your abominations will be among you; then you will know that I am the LORD!"

12: 15-16 "So they will know that I am the LORD when I scatter them among the nations, and spread them among countries.  (16) But I shall spare a few of them from the sword, the famine, and the pestilence that they may tell all their abominations among the nations where they go, and may know that I am the LORD."

13:9 "So My hand will be against the prophets who see false visions and utter lying divinations.  They will have no place in the council of My people, nor will they be written down in the register of the house of Israel, nor will they enter the land of Israel, that you may know that I am the LORD GOD."

13: 21 "I will also tear off your veils and deliver My people from your hands, and they will no longer be in your hands to be hunted; and you will know that I am the LORD."

16:62 "Thus I will establish My covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the LORD."

17: 24 "And all the trees of the field will know that I am the LORD; I bring down the high tree, exalt the low tree, dry up the green tree , and make the dry tree flourish.  I am the LORD; I have spoken, and I will perform it."

20:11-12 "And I gave them My statutes & informed them of My ordinances, by which, if a man observes them, he will live. (12) And also I gave them My sabbaths to be a sign between Me and them, that they might know that I am the LORD who sanctifies them."

20:38 "and I shall purge from you the rebels and those who transgress against Me; I shall bring them out of the land where they sojourn, but they will not enter the land of Isreal.  Thus you will know that I am the LORD."

20:42 "And you will know that I am the LORD, when I bring you into the land of Israel, when I bring you into the land of Israel, in to the land which I swore to give to your forefathers."

20: 44 "Then you will know that I am the LORD when I have dealt with you for My name's sake, not according to your evil ways or according to your corrupt deeds, O house of Israel, declares the LORD GOD."

 22:15-16 "And I shall scatter you among the nations, and I shall disperse you through the lands, and I shall consume your uncleanness from you.  16 And you will profane yourself in the sight of the nations, and you will know that I am the LORD."

23: 49 "And your lewdness will be requited upon you, and you will bear the penalty of worshiping your idols; thus you will know that I am the LORD GOD."

25: 17 "And I will execute great vengeance on them [Philisita] with wrathful rebukes; and they will know that I am the LORD when I lay My vengeance on them."

28: 25-26 "Thus says the Lord GOD, 'When I gather the house of Israel from the peoples among whom they are scattered, and shall manifest My holiness in them in the sight of the nations, then they will live in their land which I gave to My servant Jacob. 26 And they will live in it securely; and they will build houses, plant vineyards, and live securly, when I execute judgments upon all who scorn them round about them. Then they will know that I am the LORD their GOD."

 29: 6 "Then all the inhabitants of Egypt will know that I am the LORD, because they have been only a staff made of reed to the house of Israel."

34: 27 "Also the tree of the field will yield its fruit, and the earth will yield its increase, and they will be secure on their land.  Then they will know that I am the LORD, when I have broken the bars of their yoke and have delivered them from the hand of those who enslaved them.

36: 11 "And I will multiply on you man and beast; and they will increase and be fruitful; and I will cause you to be inhabited as you were formerly and will treat you better than at the first.  Thus you will know that I am the LORD."

 36: 23 "'And I will vindicate the holiness of My great name which has been profaned among the nations, which you have profaned in their midst.  Then the nations will know that I am the LORD' declares the Lord GOD, 'when I prove Myself holy among you in their sight'."

36: 36 "Then the nations that are left round about you will know that I, the LORD have rebuilt the ruined places and planted that which was desolate; I, the LORD, have spoken and will do it."

39:7 "And My holy name I shall make known in the midst of My people Israel; and I shall not let My holy name be profaned anymore.  And the nations will know that I am the LORD, the Holy One in Israel."

 39:21-22 "And I shall set My glory among the nations; and all the nations will see My judgment which I have executed, and My hand which I have laid on them.  22 And the house if Israel will know that I am the LORD their God from that day onward."

39:28 " 'Then they will know that I am the LORD their God because I made them go into exile among the nations, and then gathered them again to their own land; and I will leave none of them there any longer. 29 And I will not hide My face from them any longer, for I shall have poured out My Spirit on the house of Israel,' declares the Lord GOD."

So...lots of verses but ultimately I feel that the point is that the Lord uses His power to show that He is (the only) Lord/God.  Israel has repeatedly abandoned God.  They have sought after the idols and customs of other nations, they have defiled the temple--basically they have broken the heart of the Lord.  I think this is pictured best in chapter 16 with a story of Israel as a harlot who has abandoned her first love.  God is a jealous God and does not allow for His people to serve another--therefore there are consequences to that sin and Israel is sent into exile.  Removed from the promised land and given over to the nations who they have sought after instead of the Lord.   During this time God removes those who have corrupted His people--the evil rulers (ch. 11) the false prophets (ch.13), the Idolatrous elders (ch 14) and sinful individuals (ch 18).  He also punishes the other nations who have seduced His people.  But He leaves a remnant of faithful (6:8-10) who He will restore to His good favor and with whom He will make an eternal covenant.

In the "will know that I am the LORD" statements we see examples of His power shown in particular ways.  He is powerful in that He will punish and destroy sin, unfaithfulness, idolatry, and the profaning of His name.  He is so powerful that even inanimate creation knows that He (and only He) is the LORD and controls all life.  He is powerful in the fact that what He says comes to pass.  He is powerful in mercy--He deals with us to bring glory to His name even when we deserve destruction.  His dealings with His people are so powerful that they are a witness to all nations.  Power in destruction.  Power in redemption.  Power in glory.  Power in creation.  Power over the nations.

Some people struggle with the idea that God is most concerned with the sake of His name--His glory--rather than our lives, but I find amazing freedom in this.  If it were just about our actions, why would God want to forgive our unfaithfulness?  If He were only concerned with our happiness, creation would be in utter chaos, because the total pursuit of personal happiness often causes pain and suffering to others--His concern with His glory means He is just in consequences to sin and unrighteousness in the world.  I'm struggling with verbalizing what I want to say here, but the fact that He is most concerned with His glory assures us that He is in control of what is going on in the world.  All things work together for the good--it may not be the "good" that we have in mind, but it is ultimately to bring glory to Him.

That may have made no sense whatsoever, but ultimately the question is, what is going on in your life that you and others might know that God is the Lord?

When I came undone

Sorry that I have not been posting as regularly here--I am still keeping up w/studying the word everyday, but have wanted to post about this and just have not yet gotten to the point where I was ready, or I couldn't find what I needed. This is a big post for me...I want to share about one of the most spiritually difficult times in my life but I want to do it right with a focus on God's provision and comfort. I'll try to keep this clear though my mind is always running in circles.

As a bit of a setup, I feel like God has been bringing all of this to the forefront of my mind and heart--the topics being common in scripture that I've been reading as well as the two books I have been going through in my devotionals. We'll kick it off with my purpose in sharing this, which I found so clearly stated in my quiet time tonight from Ruth Graham's "Fear Not Tomorrow, God is Already There"

"Our willingness to come undone, to trust God with our pain, to let Him in, to receive His comfort, and to allow Him to walk us out of our brokenness will always make a difference in the lives of other people, whether it be those watching our lives or those whom we will encourage later" (p. 67)

My junior year of college I was at the height of my pridefulness (well, I'm not doubting that I have the ability in my nature to get there again...). I was leading an amazing Bible study of young women who were eagerly seeking the Lord (something I took way too much credit for), I was getting wonderful grades in my religious studies and philosophy classes (so I naturally thought I was something pretty special, understanding the mysteries of God and mankind and all that...), I had recently completed a 6 week mission trip in Russia, and I was sharing my faith with others around me. I had spent the fall semester half-heartedly praying for humilty, but not really taking it seriously. As I looked over my prayer journal from that time I found many entries where I was praying for repentance in my friend's lives, but glossing over my sins that I was struggling with. But I will admit, everything looked really good on the outside!

My religious studies classes had been hard in some ways in the past--when you take something as personal and significant as your faith and decide to pick it apart and examine it from a secular perspective, it is naturally something that shakes you a little. This semester was different. I don't remember exactly what classes I had now, but in addition to some very critical religious studies classes (Old Testament with a professor who was focused on showing that things were wrong was one of them), I was immersed in philosophy classes with militant atheists. I vividly remember classes full of guys who would praise certain philosophers purely because "they hate Christians." It was the first time in my life when I really felt persectuted--not to my face b/c I was so quiet and intimidated, but being in the Bible belt, I just didn't hear that very much. It began to wear on my very quickly.

Here is where my head was, taken straight from my prayer journal at the time, it's long, sometimes repetitive, but brutally honest (I left out some of my more personal things, as well as the people I was praying for...ironically, I lifted up the same people in almost every entry, even when I was blatantly questioning):

• January 10, 2005 "Thank you for allowing me to get through the first day of classes and Bible study. I really feel like I can do this (Maybe foolishly-but you have given me the strength and discipline to accomplish this)...Help me not to become prideful in any way but to really look to you for guidance with the girls"
• January 23 "Father, I am still feeling so apathetic, I just need you to show me what I am focusing on that is drawing my attention away from You. I feel like I honestly d on't really care about anything right now"
• January 26, "I just feel so discouraged...I know that my pride is a sin & now I am questioning my motives and my actions and everything...Help me overcome my pride and unteachability and know-it-all-ness"
• January 29 "Give me humility and help me to be teachable"
• February 2 "I just cannot do this (notice the contrast f/m Jan 10?) I am so absolutely exhausted. Please just refresh me....I so badly want to serve you and follow you ,but I cannot continue like this"
• February 6 "Right now I just need Your power. I feel like you are just showing me all my weakness this semester to make me rely on You...Please just take over. Make Your power overcome me because I cannot do it. I cannot survive this semester, much less thrive without you working amazingly. Help me surrender to you. Fill me with Your power and work through me in Bible study. Renew my passion for ministry and for You and despite my strenthlessness, please allow me to be an effective servant"
• February 7 "I feel your peace more today. Thank you. Please help me grab hold of this peace and not feel that I must be stressed. Please continue towork in me and all that is going on. Fulfill the discipline that You have placed in my life so I can be a good steward of Your time. Fill me with Your power and glorfiy Your name...Please work through me still and allow me to have an effective ministry for your glory"
• February 9 "Thank you for such a better day today. You have brought joy to my soul again and have released a burden. Please continue to work--continue to break me and teach me to rely on you."
• February 13 "...Continue to teach me how to grow in you and humble me and help me rely on You completely.
• February 21 "I am just struggling right now. I feel spiritual turmoil from my classes and frustration in ministry. Please renew my zeal for you and work through me despite my attitude."
• February 22 "Please just show your power and reassure me. These classes are taking a toll and I don't feel like I am in a position to lead anyone when I am struggling like this. Please renew my desire for you & help me stop questioning. Help me continue to speak the truth and lead in a way that will glorify You, even if I don't feel it.
• February 27 "Father, I just feel drained. I have lost all desire for anything. I don't feel like doing ministry, studying for school, spending time with you or anyone at all. All I want to do right now is wallow in my misery. I need you to rescue me from this--I get what you are doing, you are humbling and breaking me--but am I supposed to be broken to the point of doubting You? I don't know how to get past these feelings. I keep hearing what the guy in Metaphysics said--'isn't it worthless spending your whole life striving for a perfection that can never be reached?' I feel frustrated with that...I am tired of striving and it is so hard to have my faith bltantantly attacked in 3 of my classes. I don't feel fit to lead. I don't feel sure of anything anymore. I need You to unleash that "Spirit of power and self discipline" that you say I have because I do not feel it. God, I'm just so discouraged. I cann't go on like this. I feel like nothing I'm doing is fruitful and I just see people being turned away. I'm questioning my actions and what you say in your word. Please just work and work through me despite all of this to minister to my girls."
• February 28 " Thank you for getting me through one more day. Give me the discipline to make it through this week and complete everything"
• March 1 "Thank you again for a better day and for helping me concentrate to study. Please be w/my diligence the rest of the week and help me to focus on what I need to get done, but not lose you in the process"
• March 2 "I feel really torn--a duality of throught. I am teaching and practicing one thing, but my mind is thinking the opposite. I have become distracted from you plan by these "scholarly works" and am so confused...I feel that the root is me doubint your power. I don't see you as powerful as you are. I don't see you able to work in these people's lives, but I cannot deny what you have done in me and it is so hard to keep being attacked and to hear so much of people turning away from you. Please show yourself ot me more and clearly and help me survive these next few weeks"
• March 16 "I'm falling apart and so is everything else. Please forgive me for not being consistent in my times with you. I'm so worthless without you working through me. Please give me the strengthe and the discipline to get evertyhing done, and the desire to not give up. Help me to stand form when my classes are so discouraging and I hust have so many questions and no one to help me find the answers. I feel like your word is so confusing and all the books I read are biased--what is true?...Give me boldness in you and confidence in your power rather than fear in what they will think"
• March 25 "Father, I just need to be broken of my analytical attitude. I feel like this has taken hold of me this week and it's very painful. Being with my family I just feel so far from you. It is shoved in to my face and I don't like it. I want to be close to you again...Draw me close to you again and help me to overcome this attitude of criticism."

And that's it. I did not write (or have time with the Lord) again until my next entry on June 20. Nearly 3 months. Mind you, I did still lead Bible study and discipleship during this time, but if anything was done in those girls' lives through that study, it was purely God working in spite of me b/c my heart was not in it. I felt like a complete hypocrite b/c I questioned every bit of what I was teaching. Another very significant issue during this time was that I did not share my struggle with others. In pride, I felt that I could not share my questions and doubts because people looked to me as a leader. I did not have confidence that God was more powerful than me! I honestly and truly thought that if I told anyone else what concerned me that they would turn away from their faith, and even if I wasn't sure if I believed it, I didn't want to hurt anyone else's walk with God.

One afternoon I finally broke down. I opened my Bible for the first time in months--just randomly--and it fell open to Psalm 42:

As the Deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for Thee, O God.
My soul thrists for God, for the living God; When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night, While they say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember, and I pour out my soul with in me. For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God; With the voice of joy and thanksgiving and a multitude keeping festival.
Whay are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.
O my God, my soul is in despair within me...
Deep calls to deep at the sound of Thy waterfalls;
All Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me.
The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; And his song will be with me in the night, A prayer to the God of my life.
I will say to God my rock, "Why hast Though forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?"
As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me, While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become distrubed within me? Hope in God for I SHALL YET PRAISE HIM, the help of my countenance, and my God.

Here is part of my journal entry from that day and a few days later:

• June 20, 2005 "Father-I've never felt spiritual turmoil and despair like I feel right now. I feel so far from you and I feel like I will never be close again. I feel so lonely and week. I just can't beleive that I could have fallen to this point, and yet I'm still prideful. I've willfully sinned and have belittled the importance of my relationship with you. Please forgive me! I cannot keep attempting to survive without leaning on you. In all of this I still know that you are working and that you have orchestrated this for a reason, and that you aren't going to stop until the job is done. I trust you with this no matter how hard it is, I know you are not giong to forsake me. Renew my passion fo ryou and your word. Continue to break me of my analytical tendencies and show me that I have a lot to learn."
• June 22 "Thank you that I can come to you 'Just as I am' in all of my pride or brokenness or sin--no matter what you always accept and forgive me. Please help me live a life of obedience to you, and for that to be my goal above knowledge. Remind me constantly that knowledge does not save or sanctify--my relationship with you must come first."
• June 23 "Thank you for reminding me that it was the initial desire for knowledge above desiring to know you that brought sin into the world, and for showin gme the necessity of humility in order to have a real relationship with you. I praise you so much for how you are working in this aspect of my life and I ask that you continue!"

The next semester God did more in my life and through the ministry I was involved in than ever before. I truly learned about vulnerability--something which I had never really taken part in before. I would keep my sins a secret and not share my struggles, but that changed, and with it I learned what it was like to have true fellowship. Now I sometimes get teased for over-sharing (which I may be doing in this post) but I feel like if God, through his grace, has brought me through something difficult, it cannot bring glory to him unless I in turn share it with others.

Almost exactly a year before my breakdown, a dear friend who is now fulfilling his calling as a pastor gave me some wise advice which I have tried to apply ever since "Live in your faith and visit your doubts rather than living in your doubts and visiting your faith." That semester I definitely lived (or rather, wallowed) in my doubts and occasionally visited my faith. I still struggle with consistency, and sometimes those doubts rear their ugly heads, but I cannot fail to see what God has done. Throughout the time when I was questioning, God was still working even when I refused to see it. I think that is what we struggle with so often b/c our little human minds can only focus on what is in front of us.

I don't know exactly why I felt so compelled to put this out in the blogiverse, but with reading that scripture and the similar situations in Ruth Graham's book I couldn't not share. I hope that this brings encouragement to those who read it, and know that whatever breaks you, God will bring you through it and provide comfort on the other side.

In closing, here is one of the praise songs that God really used to draw me closer to him during that time. I also LOVE "I will yet praise you" (psalm 42) by Y worship, but could not find a link to the song.