Active Passivity

For the past few months God has entrusted me with an amazing group of godly young women to lead in Bible study.  Joining in with this new group was scary for me (and them)--I had thought that my days of leading college Bible studies were over...but when Patrick & I began to pray about a career change for me, God provided the amazing opportunity to work on a part-time basis with the Campus Crusade for Christ staff team and lead this amazing group of young ladies! I prayed all summer long about the girls in the group--specifically that God would make them teachable and provide opportunities for us to grow close as a body of Christ.  I was looking over my prayer journal recently about entries around the time that this decision was made.  I wrote this entry on what my attitude should be based on I Cor ch 1- 3 (which I actually re-read today):

How should I start this group?

• not with superiority of speech or wisdom 
• determined to know nothing except Christ crucified
• with them in weakness, fear, and trembling
• to demonstrate the Spirit & power, not persuasive words of "wisdom"
• seeking to help them rest their faith on the power of God, not the wisdom of men

I continued to pray all summer long for the Lord to prepare my heart, keep me humble, and focus on turning them towards Him rather than trying to get glory for myself (one of my bigger sin issues).  I also prayed specifically for the Lord to provide specific things in common with the girls to provide a more natural transition--and God did this in amazing ways!  Seriously, I have something unique in common with each girl in the group that I feel like God divinely ordained to make this ministry fruitful and unifying to glorify Him.  It is so amazing to see how in just a few short months they are pouring our their hearts to me and one another--a true picture of unity in the body of believers--and through that they are pouring into other students in Crusade and on campus.  AMAZING!

But the crazy thing is, despite everything God has done, the majority of my prayers about this group contained the phrase "I'm scared."  I knew that God was directing me to serve in this way, but the group of ladies that I have are seniors, so firm in their walks with the Lord, and have also had several leaders of their group over their time in college.  In reality, I had not walked closely with the Lord on a consistent basis since I graduated college.  Time with Him was sporadic and out of duty rather than desire.  Going in to this semester I was keenly aware of my failings (you can read about that here) and the knowledge that I was no longer the Religious Studies & Philosophy major--full of Bible trivia and theology and all the "right" answers.  I had struggled with severe depression when my ideas of what the future would look like came crashing down; I had spent lots of time in a secular (but still very "bible belt") environment which taught me a LOT about what non-believers or those who are not actively pursuing the Lord need to know (and you know what?  it's not a bunch of big theological words) but in which I also cared maybe too much about "fitting in" (seriously?  am I in jr. high again?) than walking with the Lord.  I also struggled a lot for the first time with full-blown materialism and "stuff" lust as well as the desire to brainlessly zone out in front of the TV and magazines.  So yeah--a very different place than I was in while in college.  Just kinda a mess.

Then I started the 90 day Bible challenge (which I technically failed once I got to the New Testament--not yet done but still working on reading the Bible through in large chunks)  and do you know what?  When you spend time with the Lord--He works in your life!!  Crazy right??  Who would have thought that a relationship would be strengthened by regular time together?? God has taught me a lot through this for sure (which I will summarize when I'm through!).  On top of that, in Bible study we've been studying the book of Ephesians as a group (which I will be posting about and actually posting our lessons soon) and then as I meet one-on-one with each of them every other week for discipleship we are reading Abide in Christ by Andrew Murray (one of my favorites!).
 I feel like what I am learning most through all of these is our need for utter reliance on the Lord.  I feel like it can be summed up by the oxymoronic phrase "Active Passivity."  As we study John 15--the parable of the vine and the branches as a picture of our relationship with the Lord--we see the need for complete dependence on the Lord.  We can't do anything to make the vine (God) sustain us--by His plan, that is His role which is accomplished through the Holy Spirit.  But if we disconnect from the vine we whither and die.  Also, we cannot bear fruit of ourselves--have you ever seen a branch lying on the ground and just start flowering and sprouting fruit on its own?  Of course not!  Yet somehow we expect to do that.

This concept is so hard for us to grasp in many ways I think b/c of our cultural values.  Have you ever heard the phrase "If you want something done right you've got to do it yourself"?  Definitely not biblical--yet independence & self reliance are things we seem to aspire to above all.  Ultimately we cannot do anything for God.  Just like the branch, we are merely a vessel through which the Lord chooses to work and bear fruit.

So where does the "Active Passivity" come in?  Our role/activity is submission:  yield our life to the Lord, trust Him to accomplish what He promises, and wait for Him to work.  We have to actively do those things.  Yielding our direction & goals for life does not just happen when we pray one unbelieving prayer "Lord control my life" then push it aside and continue on in our own way.  I think one of the best examples of taking steps of faith to yield, trust, and wait is in Mark 9: 17-29, the story of the centurion asking Jesus to heal his son.  Verse 24 says "Immediately the boy's father cried out and began saying, 'I do believe; help my unbelief.'"  That prayerjust acknowledges our desire to take these steps of faith, yet our inability to actually make those attitude changes happen.  Over and over and over again we must pray "I yield my life to you--help me yield my life to you" and take every doubting impatient thought captive and pray this prayer and then wait for Him to work.  I think that--the waiting--may be hardest for me (though none of them are easy b/c I think my plans are better...).  It's just that waiting for the Lord's timing requires patience, and we are used to getting what we want NOW.  And honestly I think we (definitely I) just don't actually expect God to work.  When I was praying about being entrusted with this group, I was praying for the Lord to work, but the sense of fear really overcame me.  I did not truly believe that God would work in this situation--yet He did and continues to do so by His own power--not by my power or anything I say or do.

So that is one of the huge lessons of right now.  Honestly, it's abstract and difficult for any of us to grasp or even desire b/c it just doesn't seem real, but there is such freedom in coming to the acceptance that ultimately it's not up to us to cause growth or to bear fruit. I pray (and ask you to pray) that we will continue to internalize this lesson, seek to truly abide in Christ, and yield our lives to bear the fruit which God has called us to produce.

Done with Deuteronomy, and an "AHA!" moment

I just finished Deuteronomy and the fifteenth day of "the challenge" and with that, am now finished with the books of Moses and the Law--the "boring" "irrelevant" stuff as most Christians view it at this point.  My goal in going through these has been to read them in the light of 2 Tim. 3:16-17 "All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work" (NASB).  I think I did fairly well at this, though definitely did not apply it to every single verse and passage--some of those Laws wore me out!  And I could not focus on the genealogies or lists of where Israel had traveled or the things like that. 

I had to mentally work through some of the topics as well, and my mind just does not comprehend a lot of it.  One of the biggest struggles for me has been looking at the person of Moses.  As I discussed earlier, Moses does a lot of whining and questioning God.  In Numbers 11: 10-15 we see another chunk of that "Why have you been so hard on your servant? And why have I not found favor in Your sight, that You have laid the burden of all this people on me?...Where am I going to get meat to give all this people?...So if You are going to deal this way with me, please kill me at once..." yet in 12:8 God states (of Moses) "With him I speak mouth to mouth, even openly, and not in dark sayings, and he beholds the form of the Lord..." (and then He punishes Miriam & Aaron for speaking against Moses)  I mean, that is some serious praise from God, even when Moses seems so whiny!
But then...in Numbers 20:8-13 at the waters of Meribah, God commands Moses to speak to a rock for it to bring forth water to feed the people, and instead he strikes it with his staff.  The water comes out to nourish the people, but God's immediate response is "Because you have not believed Me to treat Me as holy in the sight of the sons of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly into the land which I have given them" (v. 12).  So after what seems like a technicality, God's chosen servant who has lead the people and who God has defended in spite of his whining and constant questioning is stripped of his opportunity to see the fruit of all this work.  That just seemed so harsh and out of character to me in comparison to all the other things that he did.

I struggled with it and didn't get it until finishing Deuteronomy tonight.  In chapter 32 verse 51 God is speaking of the issue and says (which is basically the same as in Num. 20:12, but I didn't get it until now) "because you broke faith with Me in the midst of the sons of Israel at the waters...because you did not treat Me as holy in the midst of the sons of Israel."  The issue is that Moses basically disrespected and dishonored the Lord in the presence of the people who he was supposed to be pointing Him.  He acted of his own will, chose how he wanted to do things, and assumed that he had the right to do so since God had chosen him for so much (prideful?  yes.). 

I think this shows so much about our relationship with the Lord.  We have the freedom to speak honestly with God.  To ask Him, to even question and intercede and beg and whine--it is a real relationship like that.  But when it comes to our actions in front of others--especially those to whom we are in spiritual leadership--it is a huge offense to try to take things in our own hands, especially if we try to pass our own desires/wishes/actions off as commanded by God when they are not.  In doing that we are saying that His grace, His will, His sovereignty are not enough, and that we can do it better on our own.  NOPE!  As hard as it can be to comprehend at some points, it is all about God's glory and when we lose sight of that fact we are in trouble!

I'm really enjoying this plan and hope you will try it at some point, even if not doing it as quickly as 90 days, but there are definitely things that I would not have picked up on had I not read them as closely.

joy in my heart

life has been crazy and i definitely owe this little blog a for real update, but for now i just wanted to share a quick little moment of joy in my life.

as i mentioned, i will be leading a new group of bible study girls in the fall--i have 12 names so far, and have friended many of them on facebook, and had sent them an intro/getting to know you message over a month ago but nothing had progressed.  i was honestly super bummed and kinda stressed that no one had gotten back to me after my message.  i knew several of them had big things going on over the summer, but still.  big scary fear and insecurity started grabbing hold in my heart.  what if they don't want me?  what if they think i'm old and stupid and irrelevant?  what if they think i'm too fat and materialistic?  more seriously, what if i've made the wrong choice in leaving my job and pursuing this?  my mind is a bad place sometimes.  last week i voiced my fears some to both my parents while on our vacation, and to my dear friend diana--they were encouraging and honest.  i have to realize that some of them may not want me as a leader.  any time that there is a transition in a bible study leader, some people usually stop coming, but all i am responsible for is to be available and welcoming and to try to show them Christ's love.  hopefully the group will grow as will relationships with each of these ladies, and our walks with the Lord.

well, tonight i got a message from one of the girls and she is excited to meet me and wants to get together soon!  i almost cried with joy!  it has been such a roller-coaster few weeks, and it just helped me feel confident that this is the Lord's will for my life. 

so...YAY!  i am excited about this step and please pray that the Lord will work as we all begin building relationships.  :)

Whelmed...

Remember that line from Ten Things I Hate About You (the original w/Heath Ledger and Julie Stiles, not the stupid  ABC family show):

Chastity: I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?
Bianca: I think you can in Europe. 

(lol)


Well, tonight I am feeling "whelmed"...or maybe overwhelmed...but I think it's whelmed ;)

More details will be free to post next week, but I think I can safely tell you that next year, I will once again be leading a college Bible study with Campus Crusade for Christ.  Tonight I got a list of my new girls and have begun "friending" them on facebook...and a light bit of profile stalking to see what they are like. ;)  Let me just say, WOW.  I can already tell that this is going to be an amazing group of women who are completely on fire for the Lord.  And I'm feeling quite intimidated. 

You know how sometimes you just know that you are supposed to do something and you take that leap of faith and jump right in without really considering the consequences?  That's kind of where I am.  As soon as this opportunity came up I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is what God wants me to do next year.  But now comes the act of doing it. 

I've taken on groups before who are transitioning from other leaders, and that can always be kind of rocky & full of growing pains.  Some girls stop coming to the study and don't want to switch their "allegiance" from their former leader (you know, the 1 Cor. 1:12 thing of believers arguing about being followers of Paul, Peter, Apollos, Christ, etc...it can be like that).  Well, not only are these girls transitioning, but they are transitioning to me from leaders who are full-time staff with Crusade.  I feel inadequate.  I've never felt that way before when starting a Bible study.  That may be a good sign--I am growing out of my pride-heavy attitude and realizing that it's not about me...but it is still scary.

I've now been out of college for 4 years (which is as long as I was in college..that is wild for me to wrap my mind around) and am in a very different place in life.  Also, this will be the first group of women that I have not known at all prior to leading them in Bible study.  I am no longer the religious studies major who is constantly studying and debating theology and different interpretations of scripture (which again, may be a good thing).  I have spent the last four years--honestly--more focused on things of the world than things of Christ.  Whether it be my hobbies or reading or entertainment or baking or whatever--my life has been very different than the lives of the women who have formerly lead these groups.  I feel like I honestly have nothing to offer. 

I'm not quite sure why I feel so differently now...maybe a year really does make a huge difference b/c it has only been one year since my last group graduated and flew the nest.  But one year off of ministry--and a year that is as up and down as this one has been for me--can be huge.  Also, I am scared of building the new relationships...and what if they think I'm a crazy loser who is too old and fat to teach them anything??  (okay...hopefully that is an irrational fear...but still)  They are all super involved leaders in Crusade, which I have not been part of for quite some time...my last group was mostly 5th year seniors who didn't go to CRU anymore anyway.  And my last group...well, we were crazy.  And super vulnerable.  And they knew when I was struggling and accepted me in spite of it.  And sometimes we skipped the study and played wii and sometimes they could hear hubs curse while playing Call of Duty and they just thought it was funny...and often sometimes I would curse while we were playing wii and they cursed right back and we were just closer for it.  I know that sounds silly and maybe wrong and like I was a terrible leader, but it was a very close group and we had real fellowship.  And my first group...WOW.  We were together for 4 years including when I went through my undone-ness and when I first learned about vulnerability and how to be honest and trust.  I discipled those girls one-on-one and learned more from them than I ever could have taught (same with the second group).  So maybe I'm scared to try to follow those experiences?  Like it's impossible for me to have a "successful" Bible study more than twice?  I don't know.  And then, of course, comes the inevitable part where they grow up and graduate and move away once again.  Also, will it be different now that they are less peers and closer to my brother's age?  hmm...So many fears and insecurities.

Ultimately, I think that my greatly humbled feelings towards this are right, but it is still scary.  I am going to need to spend the next few months intensely preparing to once again having this leadership and discipleship role.  Please pray for me and for the hearts of the women who I will be leading.  Pray for a sense of unity growth and also that I will have opportunities to grow closer to some of these women over the summer. 

the doubting sarah

Ever since I came undone I have had regular times when I really really struggle with doubt. The kind of doubts that Christians don't talk about.  Like, "all this God stuff sounds ridiculous--why am I even pretending to believe or convincing myself that I believe it?" or "How can I really believe that Heaven and Hell are real--that is just silly" or even "I don't believe that a good God would choose to save some people and not others when he could save everyone."  It's hard.  I feel like a bad person when I think those thoughts.  It makes me question who I am, my purpose in life, THE purpose OF life, everything.  I try to press those thoughts down, but occasionally they spring up.  Honestly I feel like I'm being blasphemous to even admit that I do struggle with this, but I feel like I'm supposed to share this. 

Last night I was thinking about these things again--having skipped time with the Lord for 12 days (how ridiculous is it that 12 days can shake me!?!?).  I don't know why I let myself get in that kind of pattern...no, I do know...it is how Satan gets a foothold in my life (is it bad that I feel silly to even type that?  why do I have such a weirdness about admitting the reality of hell and satan and all that??) but that is where I have been. So I decided that instead of wasting time reading things that do not matter and allowing myself to get deeper in this pit I would spend time with the Lord instead. After reading Psalm 76 I picked up Brennan Manning's Abba's Child and started reading again--he deals a lot with doubts and faith and learning to find our true identity as a child of God.  Here are a few things that really struck me last night:

This fear of ridicule paralyzes more effectively than would a head-on attack or an outspoken harsh critics.  How much good is left undone because of our fear of the opinion of others!  We are immobilized by the thought: what will others say?  The irony of all this is that the opinions we fear most are not those of people we really respect, yet the same persons influence our lives more than we want to admit.  This enervating fear of our peers can create an appalling mediocrity. p. 134

 So I definitely struggle with this fear of looking stupid or being thought ignorant because of my faith.  That just breaks my heart--when i think about it clearly...unfortunately not often enough...   Back in college when I was in those classes with people who openly criticized Christianity I was silent.  Embarrased.  Confused.  Ashamed to admit my true identity in Christ.  Just plain stupid.  Now I am sad to say that I have adapted my relationships to be "in and of the world"--in my desire to relate to friends who are not believers or who are not walking with the Lord I have not been set apart.  I just try to blend in.  And that is not okay either. 

The truth of faith has little value when it is not also the life of the heart.~Abba's Child. p. 135

 Manning goes on to quote Soren Kierkegaard, a philosopher about whom I studied much in my philosophy minor but now remember nothing!  But this quote rings so true:

We artful dodgers act as if we do not understand the New Testament, because we realize full well that we should have to change our way of life drastically.  That is why we invented "religious education" and "christian doctrine."  Another concordance, another lexicon, a few more commentaries, three other translations, because it is all so difficult to understand...

 Now I'm not knocking the pursuit of Biblical knowledge and theology--those things definitely have their places--but so often we lose sight of truth in search of information. 

The measure of our depth-awareness of Christ's present risenness is our capacity to stand up for the truth and sustain the disapproval of significant others. p. 137

 So if I truly comprehend (though I don't know that as humans we ever can...) or even begin to appreciate what Christ did for me, I should be not only willing, but EAGER to look foolish to others by proclaiming truth.  But it honestly scares me.

So what do I know?  When I fail to pursue a relationship with the Lord, I am opening doors and windows...basically knocking down the walls of protection...to invite Satan to bring these doubts into my mind.  It doesn't matter if it sounds silly to others or even if it makes sense or is logical...it is the truth and has been proven and shown so many times...and even if it wasn't proven, it's about having faith!  I mean, how silly would it be if every time that hubs and I were apart or not connecting the best I would all of the sudden doubt his existence and the legitimacy of our marriage?!?! 

I have so far to go, but I hope that by sharing this someone else will be encouraged to travel the road beside me...

humbling...

If you have not yet, read my previous post, then come back here.

What can I say but that God knows how to speak to us? I went to read my devotionals tonight with a heavy heart and weary. The Classic Christian Writings book had an entry for February 29th which I was about to skip over, but decided to read anyway (the completest in me...) I'll just reproduce the whole thing b/c it is so clearly where I am:

Tears of Love
Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!" But some of them said, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?"
John 11:35-37

"Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus to show us that it was no sin to shed a tear of love and resignation at the grave of a deceased friend. He wept to see what havoc sin had made in the world and how it had reduced man--by making him subject to death--to a level with the beasts that perish.
Above all, He wept at the foreknowledge of the people's unbelief. He wept to think how many then present would not only not believe on Him but would be hardened and have their prejudices increased more and more against Him, though He should raise Lazarus from teh dead before their eyes.
For then the bystanders said, "Behold, how He loved him." But all were not well affected at seeing Jesus weep! For we are told that some of them said, "Could not this man, who opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even this man should not have died?" One would imagine that Satan himself could scarce have uttered a more perverse speech. "Is not this a sufficient proof that He is a cheat? Is it likely that He really helped others when He could not help His own friend?"
How patient ought the servants of our Lord to be! And how may they expect to be censured and have their good deeds questioned! "

~George Whitfield

That was my attitude tonight, and how appropriate for me to read this!

As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me, While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God for I SHALL YET PRAISE HIM, the help of my countenance, and my God.
Psalm 42

Lord, thank you for this reminder of how You care, and how I need to trust YOUR PLAN.

on faith

Read this in my QT last night and thought it went so well w/everything I wrote about in my last post...

"Christianity is lived more in the valley than on the mountaintop, faith is never doubt-free, and although God has revealed Himself in creation and in history, the surest way to know God is, in the words of Thomas Aquinas, as tamquam ignotum, as utterly unknowable. No thought can contain Him, no word can express Him; He is beyond anything we can intellectualize or imagine."
Abba's Child, Brennan Manning, p. 98

I really feel that God has provided us with enough historical support to validate the basis of our faith, but it is still just that...faith. I struggle with this some still b/c I want to see the PROOF and some things just cannot be scientifically or historically proven! Faith in essence is scary because we are trusting something that we cannot ever know for sure. And it's too bad that we fail to discuss this and allow for the reality that we will have times of doubt and questioning and wondering. But like any other relationship, if you are not learning new things--often scary things--and growing in intimacy--which in essence requires a leap of faith, your relationship with the Lord is not really a relationship. It becomes stagnant.

But every time that we step out in faith God is there to catch us. Talking to a dear friend tonight I was reminded of that. When we decide to trust God with whatever is going on He is always there--maybe not how we pictured, but He is there.

Right now I'm trying to trust Him with my health and its implications for the future. I already know that my future is not going to look the way I had planned, and I grapple with that every day. I honestly feel like something is wrong with me b/c I'm not desperately desiring what I had planned for (specifically having children in the immediate future) but I have to see that as God's provision. He is guarding my heart and mind for whatever He has planned in His timing.

When I came undone

Sorry that I have not been posting as regularly here--I am still keeping up w/studying the word everyday, but have wanted to post about this and just have not yet gotten to the point where I was ready, or I couldn't find what I needed. This is a big post for me...I want to share about one of the most spiritually difficult times in my life but I want to do it right with a focus on God's provision and comfort. I'll try to keep this clear though my mind is always running in circles.

As a bit of a setup, I feel like God has been bringing all of this to the forefront of my mind and heart--the topics being common in scripture that I've been reading as well as the two books I have been going through in my devotionals. We'll kick it off with my purpose in sharing this, which I found so clearly stated in my quiet time tonight from Ruth Graham's "Fear Not Tomorrow, God is Already There"

"Our willingness to come undone, to trust God with our pain, to let Him in, to receive His comfort, and to allow Him to walk us out of our brokenness will always make a difference in the lives of other people, whether it be those watching our lives or those whom we will encourage later" (p. 67)

My junior year of college I was at the height of my pridefulness (well, I'm not doubting that I have the ability in my nature to get there again...). I was leading an amazing Bible study of young women who were eagerly seeking the Lord (something I took way too much credit for), I was getting wonderful grades in my religious studies and philosophy classes (so I naturally thought I was something pretty special, understanding the mysteries of God and mankind and all that...), I had recently completed a 6 week mission trip in Russia, and I was sharing my faith with others around me. I had spent the fall semester half-heartedly praying for humilty, but not really taking it seriously. As I looked over my prayer journal from that time I found many entries where I was praying for repentance in my friend's lives, but glossing over my sins that I was struggling with. But I will admit, everything looked really good on the outside!

My religious studies classes had been hard in some ways in the past--when you take something as personal and significant as your faith and decide to pick it apart and examine it from a secular perspective, it is naturally something that shakes you a little. This semester was different. I don't remember exactly what classes I had now, but in addition to some very critical religious studies classes (Old Testament with a professor who was focused on showing that things were wrong was one of them), I was immersed in philosophy classes with militant atheists. I vividly remember classes full of guys who would praise certain philosophers purely because "they hate Christians." It was the first time in my life when I really felt persectuted--not to my face b/c I was so quiet and intimidated, but being in the Bible belt, I just didn't hear that very much. It began to wear on my very quickly.

Here is where my head was, taken straight from my prayer journal at the time, it's long, sometimes repetitive, but brutally honest (I left out some of my more personal things, as well as the people I was praying for...ironically, I lifted up the same people in almost every entry, even when I was blatantly questioning):

• January 10, 2005 "Thank you for allowing me to get through the first day of classes and Bible study. I really feel like I can do this (Maybe foolishly-but you have given me the strength and discipline to accomplish this)...Help me not to become prideful in any way but to really look to you for guidance with the girls"
• January 23 "Father, I am still feeling so apathetic, I just need you to show me what I am focusing on that is drawing my attention away from You. I feel like I honestly d on't really care about anything right now"
• January 26, "I just feel so discouraged...I know that my pride is a sin & now I am questioning my motives and my actions and everything...Help me overcome my pride and unteachability and know-it-all-ness"
• January 29 "Give me humility and help me to be teachable"
• February 2 "I just cannot do this (notice the contrast f/m Jan 10?) I am so absolutely exhausted. Please just refresh me....I so badly want to serve you and follow you ,but I cannot continue like this"
• February 6 "Right now I just need Your power. I feel like you are just showing me all my weakness this semester to make me rely on You...Please just take over. Make Your power overcome me because I cannot do it. I cannot survive this semester, much less thrive without you working amazingly. Help me surrender to you. Fill me with Your power and work through me in Bible study. Renew my passion for ministry and for You and despite my strenthlessness, please allow me to be an effective servant"
• February 7 "I feel your peace more today. Thank you. Please help me grab hold of this peace and not feel that I must be stressed. Please continue towork in me and all that is going on. Fulfill the discipline that You have placed in my life so I can be a good steward of Your time. Fill me with Your power and glorfiy Your name...Please work through me still and allow me to have an effective ministry for your glory"
• February 9 "Thank you for such a better day today. You have brought joy to my soul again and have released a burden. Please continue to work--continue to break me and teach me to rely on you."
• February 13 "...Continue to teach me how to grow in you and humble me and help me rely on You completely.
• February 21 "I am just struggling right now. I feel spiritual turmoil from my classes and frustration in ministry. Please renew my zeal for you and work through me despite my attitude."
• February 22 "Please just show your power and reassure me. These classes are taking a toll and I don't feel like I am in a position to lead anyone when I am struggling like this. Please renew my desire for you & help me stop questioning. Help me continue to speak the truth and lead in a way that will glorify You, even if I don't feel it.
• February 27 "Father, I just feel drained. I have lost all desire for anything. I don't feel like doing ministry, studying for school, spending time with you or anyone at all. All I want to do right now is wallow in my misery. I need you to rescue me from this--I get what you are doing, you are humbling and breaking me--but am I supposed to be broken to the point of doubting You? I don't know how to get past these feelings. I keep hearing what the guy in Metaphysics said--'isn't it worthless spending your whole life striving for a perfection that can never be reached?' I feel frustrated with that...I am tired of striving and it is so hard to have my faith bltantantly attacked in 3 of my classes. I don't feel fit to lead. I don't feel sure of anything anymore. I need You to unleash that "Spirit of power and self discipline" that you say I have because I do not feel it. God, I'm just so discouraged. I cann't go on like this. I feel like nothing I'm doing is fruitful and I just see people being turned away. I'm questioning my actions and what you say in your word. Please just work and work through me despite all of this to minister to my girls."
• February 28 " Thank you for getting me through one more day. Give me the discipline to make it through this week and complete everything"
• March 1 "Thank you again for a better day and for helping me concentrate to study. Please be w/my diligence the rest of the week and help me to focus on what I need to get done, but not lose you in the process"
• March 2 "I feel really torn--a duality of throught. I am teaching and practicing one thing, but my mind is thinking the opposite. I have become distracted from you plan by these "scholarly works" and am so confused...I feel that the root is me doubint your power. I don't see you as powerful as you are. I don't see you able to work in these people's lives, but I cannot deny what you have done in me and it is so hard to keep being attacked and to hear so much of people turning away from you. Please show yourself ot me more and clearly and help me survive these next few weeks"
• March 16 "I'm falling apart and so is everything else. Please forgive me for not being consistent in my times with you. I'm so worthless without you working through me. Please give me the strengthe and the discipline to get evertyhing done, and the desire to not give up. Help me to stand form when my classes are so discouraging and I hust have so many questions and no one to help me find the answers. I feel like your word is so confusing and all the books I read are biased--what is true?...Give me boldness in you and confidence in your power rather than fear in what they will think"
• March 25 "Father, I just need to be broken of my analytical attitude. I feel like this has taken hold of me this week and it's very painful. Being with my family I just feel so far from you. It is shoved in to my face and I don't like it. I want to be close to you again...Draw me close to you again and help me to overcome this attitude of criticism."

And that's it. I did not write (or have time with the Lord) again until my next entry on June 20. Nearly 3 months. Mind you, I did still lead Bible study and discipleship during this time, but if anything was done in those girls' lives through that study, it was purely God working in spite of me b/c my heart was not in it. I felt like a complete hypocrite b/c I questioned every bit of what I was teaching. Another very significant issue during this time was that I did not share my struggle with others. In pride, I felt that I could not share my questions and doubts because people looked to me as a leader. I did not have confidence that God was more powerful than me! I honestly and truly thought that if I told anyone else what concerned me that they would turn away from their faith, and even if I wasn't sure if I believed it, I didn't want to hurt anyone else's walk with God.

One afternoon I finally broke down. I opened my Bible for the first time in months--just randomly--and it fell open to Psalm 42:

As the Deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for Thee, O God.
My soul thrists for God, for the living God; When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night, While they say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember, and I pour out my soul with in me. For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God; With the voice of joy and thanksgiving and a multitude keeping festival.
Whay are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.
O my God, my soul is in despair within me...
Deep calls to deep at the sound of Thy waterfalls;
All Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me.
The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; And his song will be with me in the night, A prayer to the God of my life.
I will say to God my rock, "Why hast Though forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?"
As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me, While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become distrubed within me? Hope in God for I SHALL YET PRAISE HIM, the help of my countenance, and my God.

Here is part of my journal entry from that day and a few days later:

• June 20, 2005 "Father-I've never felt spiritual turmoil and despair like I feel right now. I feel so far from you and I feel like I will never be close again. I feel so lonely and week. I just can't beleive that I could have fallen to this point, and yet I'm still prideful. I've willfully sinned and have belittled the importance of my relationship with you. Please forgive me! I cannot keep attempting to survive without leaning on you. In all of this I still know that you are working and that you have orchestrated this for a reason, and that you aren't going to stop until the job is done. I trust you with this no matter how hard it is, I know you are not giong to forsake me. Renew my passion fo ryou and your word. Continue to break me of my analytical tendencies and show me that I have a lot to learn."
• June 22 "Thank you that I can come to you 'Just as I am' in all of my pride or brokenness or sin--no matter what you always accept and forgive me. Please help me live a life of obedience to you, and for that to be my goal above knowledge. Remind me constantly that knowledge does not save or sanctify--my relationship with you must come first."
• June 23 "Thank you for reminding me that it was the initial desire for knowledge above desiring to know you that brought sin into the world, and for showin gme the necessity of humility in order to have a real relationship with you. I praise you so much for how you are working in this aspect of my life and I ask that you continue!"

The next semester God did more in my life and through the ministry I was involved in than ever before. I truly learned about vulnerability--something which I had never really taken part in before. I would keep my sins a secret and not share my struggles, but that changed, and with it I learned what it was like to have true fellowship. Now I sometimes get teased for over-sharing (which I may be doing in this post) but I feel like if God, through his grace, has brought me through something difficult, it cannot bring glory to him unless I in turn share it with others.

Almost exactly a year before my breakdown, a dear friend who is now fulfilling his calling as a pastor gave me some wise advice which I have tried to apply ever since "Live in your faith and visit your doubts rather than living in your doubts and visiting your faith." That semester I definitely lived (or rather, wallowed) in my doubts and occasionally visited my faith. I still struggle with consistency, and sometimes those doubts rear their ugly heads, but I cannot fail to see what God has done. Throughout the time when I was questioning, God was still working even when I refused to see it. I think that is what we struggle with so often b/c our little human minds can only focus on what is in front of us.

I don't know exactly why I felt so compelled to put this out in the blogiverse, but with reading that scripture and the similar situations in Ruth Graham's book I couldn't not share. I hope that this brings encouragement to those who read it, and know that whatever breaks you, God will bring you through it and provide comfort on the other side.

In closing, here is one of the praise songs that God really used to draw me closer to him during that time. I also LOVE "I will yet praise you" (psalm 42) by Y worship, but could not find a link to the song.