Whelmed...

Remember that line from Ten Things I Hate About You (the original w/Heath Ledger and Julie Stiles, not the stupid  ABC family show):

Chastity: I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?
Bianca: I think you can in Europe. 

(lol)


Well, tonight I am feeling "whelmed"...or maybe overwhelmed...but I think it's whelmed ;)

More details will be free to post next week, but I think I can safely tell you that next year, I will once again be leading a college Bible study with Campus Crusade for Christ.  Tonight I got a list of my new girls and have begun "friending" them on facebook...and a light bit of profile stalking to see what they are like. ;)  Let me just say, WOW.  I can already tell that this is going to be an amazing group of women who are completely on fire for the Lord.  And I'm feeling quite intimidated. 

You know how sometimes you just know that you are supposed to do something and you take that leap of faith and jump right in without really considering the consequences?  That's kind of where I am.  As soon as this opportunity came up I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is what God wants me to do next year.  But now comes the act of doing it. 

I've taken on groups before who are transitioning from other leaders, and that can always be kind of rocky & full of growing pains.  Some girls stop coming to the study and don't want to switch their "allegiance" from their former leader (you know, the 1 Cor. 1:12 thing of believers arguing about being followers of Paul, Peter, Apollos, Christ, etc...it can be like that).  Well, not only are these girls transitioning, but they are transitioning to me from leaders who are full-time staff with Crusade.  I feel inadequate.  I've never felt that way before when starting a Bible study.  That may be a good sign--I am growing out of my pride-heavy attitude and realizing that it's not about me...but it is still scary.

I've now been out of college for 4 years (which is as long as I was in college..that is wild for me to wrap my mind around) and am in a very different place in life.  Also, this will be the first group of women that I have not known at all prior to leading them in Bible study.  I am no longer the religious studies major who is constantly studying and debating theology and different interpretations of scripture (which again, may be a good thing).  I have spent the last four years--honestly--more focused on things of the world than things of Christ.  Whether it be my hobbies or reading or entertainment or baking or whatever--my life has been very different than the lives of the women who have formerly lead these groups.  I feel like I honestly have nothing to offer. 

I'm not quite sure why I feel so differently now...maybe a year really does make a huge difference b/c it has only been one year since my last group graduated and flew the nest.  But one year off of ministry--and a year that is as up and down as this one has been for me--can be huge.  Also, I am scared of building the new relationships...and what if they think I'm a crazy loser who is too old and fat to teach them anything??  (okay...hopefully that is an irrational fear...but still)  They are all super involved leaders in Crusade, which I have not been part of for quite some time...my last group was mostly 5th year seniors who didn't go to CRU anymore anyway.  And my last group...well, we were crazy.  And super vulnerable.  And they knew when I was struggling and accepted me in spite of it.  And sometimes we skipped the study and played wii and sometimes they could hear hubs curse while playing Call of Duty and they just thought it was funny...and often sometimes I would curse while we were playing wii and they cursed right back and we were just closer for it.  I know that sounds silly and maybe wrong and like I was a terrible leader, but it was a very close group and we had real fellowship.  And my first group...WOW.  We were together for 4 years including when I went through my undone-ness and when I first learned about vulnerability and how to be honest and trust.  I discipled those girls one-on-one and learned more from them than I ever could have taught (same with the second group).  So maybe I'm scared to try to follow those experiences?  Like it's impossible for me to have a "successful" Bible study more than twice?  I don't know.  And then, of course, comes the inevitable part where they grow up and graduate and move away once again.  Also, will it be different now that they are less peers and closer to my brother's age?  hmm...So many fears and insecurities.

Ultimately, I think that my greatly humbled feelings towards this are right, but it is still scary.  I am going to need to spend the next few months intensely preparing to once again having this leadership and discipleship role.  Please pray for me and for the hearts of the women who I will be leading.  Pray for a sense of unity growth and also that I will have opportunities to grow closer to some of these women over the summer.