Active Passivity

For the past few months God has entrusted me with an amazing group of godly young women to lead in Bible study.  Joining in with this new group was scary for me (and them)--I had thought that my days of leading college Bible studies were over...but when Patrick & I began to pray about a career change for me, God provided the amazing opportunity to work on a part-time basis with the Campus Crusade for Christ staff team and lead this amazing group of young ladies! I prayed all summer long about the girls in the group--specifically that God would make them teachable and provide opportunities for us to grow close as a body of Christ.  I was looking over my prayer journal recently about entries around the time that this decision was made.  I wrote this entry on what my attitude should be based on I Cor ch 1- 3 (which I actually re-read today):

How should I start this group?

• not with superiority of speech or wisdom 
• determined to know nothing except Christ crucified
• with them in weakness, fear, and trembling
• to demonstrate the Spirit & power, not persuasive words of "wisdom"
• seeking to help them rest their faith on the power of God, not the wisdom of men

I continued to pray all summer long for the Lord to prepare my heart, keep me humble, and focus on turning them towards Him rather than trying to get glory for myself (one of my bigger sin issues).  I also prayed specifically for the Lord to provide specific things in common with the girls to provide a more natural transition--and God did this in amazing ways!  Seriously, I have something unique in common with each girl in the group that I feel like God divinely ordained to make this ministry fruitful and unifying to glorify Him.  It is so amazing to see how in just a few short months they are pouring our their hearts to me and one another--a true picture of unity in the body of believers--and through that they are pouring into other students in Crusade and on campus.  AMAZING!

But the crazy thing is, despite everything God has done, the majority of my prayers about this group contained the phrase "I'm scared."  I knew that God was directing me to serve in this way, but the group of ladies that I have are seniors, so firm in their walks with the Lord, and have also had several leaders of their group over their time in college.  In reality, I had not walked closely with the Lord on a consistent basis since I graduated college.  Time with Him was sporadic and out of duty rather than desire.  Going in to this semester I was keenly aware of my failings (you can read about that here) and the knowledge that I was no longer the Religious Studies & Philosophy major--full of Bible trivia and theology and all the "right" answers.  I had struggled with severe depression when my ideas of what the future would look like came crashing down; I had spent lots of time in a secular (but still very "bible belt") environment which taught me a LOT about what non-believers or those who are not actively pursuing the Lord need to know (and you know what?  it's not a bunch of big theological words) but in which I also cared maybe too much about "fitting in" (seriously?  am I in jr. high again?) than walking with the Lord.  I also struggled a lot for the first time with full-blown materialism and "stuff" lust as well as the desire to brainlessly zone out in front of the TV and magazines.  So yeah--a very different place than I was in while in college.  Just kinda a mess.

Then I started the 90 day Bible challenge (which I technically failed once I got to the New Testament--not yet done but still working on reading the Bible through in large chunks)  and do you know what?  When you spend time with the Lord--He works in your life!!  Crazy right??  Who would have thought that a relationship would be strengthened by regular time together?? God has taught me a lot through this for sure (which I will summarize when I'm through!).  On top of that, in Bible study we've been studying the book of Ephesians as a group (which I will be posting about and actually posting our lessons soon) and then as I meet one-on-one with each of them every other week for discipleship we are reading Abide in Christ by Andrew Murray (one of my favorites!).
 I feel like what I am learning most through all of these is our need for utter reliance on the Lord.  I feel like it can be summed up by the oxymoronic phrase "Active Passivity."  As we study John 15--the parable of the vine and the branches as a picture of our relationship with the Lord--we see the need for complete dependence on the Lord.  We can't do anything to make the vine (God) sustain us--by His plan, that is His role which is accomplished through the Holy Spirit.  But if we disconnect from the vine we whither and die.  Also, we cannot bear fruit of ourselves--have you ever seen a branch lying on the ground and just start flowering and sprouting fruit on its own?  Of course not!  Yet somehow we expect to do that.

This concept is so hard for us to grasp in many ways I think b/c of our cultural values.  Have you ever heard the phrase "If you want something done right you've got to do it yourself"?  Definitely not biblical--yet independence & self reliance are things we seem to aspire to above all.  Ultimately we cannot do anything for God.  Just like the branch, we are merely a vessel through which the Lord chooses to work and bear fruit.

So where does the "Active Passivity" come in?  Our role/activity is submission:  yield our life to the Lord, trust Him to accomplish what He promises, and wait for Him to work.  We have to actively do those things.  Yielding our direction & goals for life does not just happen when we pray one unbelieving prayer "Lord control my life" then push it aside and continue on in our own way.  I think one of the best examples of taking steps of faith to yield, trust, and wait is in Mark 9: 17-29, the story of the centurion asking Jesus to heal his son.  Verse 24 says "Immediately the boy's father cried out and began saying, 'I do believe; help my unbelief.'"  That prayerjust acknowledges our desire to take these steps of faith, yet our inability to actually make those attitude changes happen.  Over and over and over again we must pray "I yield my life to you--help me yield my life to you" and take every doubting impatient thought captive and pray this prayer and then wait for Him to work.  I think that--the waiting--may be hardest for me (though none of them are easy b/c I think my plans are better...).  It's just that waiting for the Lord's timing requires patience, and we are used to getting what we want NOW.  And honestly I think we (definitely I) just don't actually expect God to work.  When I was praying about being entrusted with this group, I was praying for the Lord to work, but the sense of fear really overcame me.  I did not truly believe that God would work in this situation--yet He did and continues to do so by His own power--not by my power or anything I say or do.

So that is one of the huge lessons of right now.  Honestly, it's abstract and difficult for any of us to grasp or even desire b/c it just doesn't seem real, but there is such freedom in coming to the acceptance that ultimately it's not up to us to cause growth or to bear fruit. I pray (and ask you to pray) that we will continue to internalize this lesson, seek to truly abide in Christ, and yield our lives to bear the fruit which God has called us to produce.

Trust and Obey

**disclaimer--please do not feel that this post is intended to guilt you into giving to my ministry.  I just need to work some of this out for myself and share what God is teaching me**

Tonight I lay in bed for over an hour.  Mentally calculating the things I need to do tomorrow and focusing on the fact that I have not been obedient to the Lord.  And as I lay there and prayed for the Lord to clear my mind and help me sleep, I got these horrible pains in my legs & hips, and also got the hymn "Trust & Obey" stuck in my head.  I wrestled with it for about 30-45 minutes and the song just got louder and the pain just got worse until I realized, I am supposed to do this NOW.  No more putting it off. Do you ever have a time when God is clearly impressing on your heart something that you are supposed to be doing, yet you fight it with all your might?  As I have been growing in the Lord over the past several months of ministry with Campus Crusade for Christ, I have been struggling with those things.

One of the primary areas in which I am struggling is the area of raising financial support in order to do vocational ministry.  It shouldn't be such a scary issue for me.  The monthly amount I need to raise is not large and I have been raised by parents whom God has consistently provided financially for in this way for over 30 years!  I know that God will provide--that has never been a question in my mind.  But I really struggle with guilt.  I gave up my job to do this in an economy where people are struggling to make ends meet--I had to leave that job due to health reasons, but I potentially could have found a "traditional" job to provide a steady income.  Yet that is not what God has called me to do.  He clearly provided a need and an opportunity--in the past three years, Global Service Network was founded which has allowed me the freedom to partner with Campus Crusade for Christ on a part-time basis, and to serve immediately on campus without having to raise all my financial support in advance.  This would not have been possible for me to do when Patrick & I first got married!!  At the same time, the need for women staff members on WKU's campus is dire!  Even with my part-time responsibilities, a need is being met for which God chose me.  There is no question in my heart that this is what I am supposed to be doing so why do I doubt the means by which I have to go about making it my "job"? 

I guess because this is not the convential way people do things.  I mean, it's fairly regular for students to raise money for a mission trip--but when it comes to living that way...it's just not what you see all the time.  And I have seen some very negative attitudes towards this lifestyle in friends and former co-workers.  Basically the viewpoint that doing this is lazy--not much better than welfare.  And those types of attitudes & comments have really cut to my heart.  There is no question about it--God has blessed Patrick & me financially.  We have sought to be good stewards of our money, but He has done things that no one can, so I feel guilt about that, and just about asking. 

But as I've been praying for the Lord to give me peace about this I've seen Biblical and cultural examples of this type of lifestyle-though many people aren't aware of them.  I realized (weirdly for the first time that I really grasped it) that a large part of tithes in a church that pays it's pastors go to those pastor's salaries...they are given as offerings from the church members for the Lord to provide for the ministers.  People take up money for causes all the time--fundraisers for schools, illnesses, endangered animals, health issues--and people gladly give to support something that they believe in.  And of course the apostle Paul took up financial gifts for his missionary journeys (mentioned throughout the letters but esp. II Cor. 9) and when Jesus sends out the seventy laborers in Luke 10 He instructs them to take what is given--depending on others with the affirmation that "the laborer is worthy of his wages (Luke 10:7).  I'm just praying to hold fast to these truths and trust the Lord to provide. 

Please pray for this ministry and for the Lord to continue growing and stretching my faith!  God is doing AMAZING things right now--the girls in my group are growing by leaps and bounds!  I have seen unity & vulnerability in this group come about within a matter of weeks and it is clearly something that only the Lord can do--and they are pouring out of the overflow of their hearts--serving in churches, in Crusade, and with the students in their classes.  But with growth comes growing pains!  We have dealt with some intense spiritual battle, brokenness over sin and where we need to be as opposed to where we are.  We are stretched and pulled as we ultimately seek to learn what it truly means to Abide in Christ--to yield our lives to Him, trust His leading and plan, and wait on His timing because He promises to work.  We have a women's panel this Friday night with several godly women in different stages of life prepared to answer questions about walking with the Lord--please pray that several students will show up--specifically freshman and ladies who are young or struggling in their faith.  Pray that God will move as we discuss what it means to be a woman of God!

And as I finish writing this and a few letters, the pain in my legs is subsiding...Trust & Obey!

helpless

I am drained.  emotionally.  physically.  exhausted.  continuously bursting into tears--i know that the things that are making me cry are real things, but they shouldn't be affecting me the way that they are.  I'm tempted to break into the Prozac that I went off of several months ago just to get through this week, but I know that in reality I need to rest in the Lord, turn these things over to Him, and trust that He is in control.  I'm not depressed--I'm just weary. 

I try to do everything on my own strength, and the reality is that I don't have much strength compared to a normal person, much less compared to my Lord & Savior!  So why is it so hard to trust in Him to take care of the things that concern me?? 

I'm going through one of my favorite devotional books with the girls that I disciple--it's Abide in Christ by Andrew Murray.  The book basically goes through what it means to truly abide in Christ from John 15:1-12.  My favorite verses from this passage are verses 4 & 5:

4 Abide in me, and I in you.  As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.  5  I am the vine; you are the branches.  Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 

 I think it's one of those sayings that we hear a lot and don't quite grasp the meaning, but it's right in the text.  The vine & the branches are, in essence, one plant.  But each have roles--each branch springs from the vine.  The branches find their source of life, nourishment, and support only by being completely attached to the vine.  It is from this source that the branch gains the necessary components to flourish, grow, and bear fruit.  No matter how fruitful a branch may be, if it is cut off from the vine it will wither and it and it's fruit will die.  In the same way, if the branch is not there, the vine will not produce fruit. 

In the past week or so I have allowed the craziness of life to separate me from my vine.  It's ridiculous really how quickly that separation can come about.  I've let me time with the Lord which had been so life-giving sit on the back-burner.  It's not that I have completely lost touch w/my faith in a week, but I've learned that if I don't seek the Lord CONTINUALLY I try to rely on my strength--I am a cut off branch, lying on the ground, trying to bear fruit that is only dying.  And I'm out of strength.  There is no more life in this branch to draw from b/c as a cut off branch, that nourishment and sustenance that may remain from my time attached to the vine will be used up quickly--and once it's gone there is nothing left.  Thankfully we have a gracious God who allows us to reattach.  I just hope I will learn once and for all not to detach again!

So now I am turning these things over to the Lord, and turning back to Him.  I can't do it on my own, and I sure don't want that pressure!  Praise the Lord for giving us the strength to sustain us.

In other news, I got so behind on my 90 day challenge last week that catching up before the month is over will probably not happen :(  BUT it has still been an amazingly worthwhile exercise and reading the Bible in 100 days still feels like quite an accomplishment!

 

"Then you will know that I am the Lord": thoughts on Ezekiel

Well, I'm in my last month of the 90 day Bible challenge and I can't believe I"ve made it this far!  I got behind in Isaiah and have somewhat skipped over it since we are studying it in BSF but I'm reading a few chapters of it each day to still be able to have done the whole Bible in 90 days (I would have been kinda bummed out to not complete the whole thing...) Today I will be reading through the books of Daniel & Hosea, but I wanted to stop and talk about Ezekiel a little bit.

Of all the prophets, I think this has been my favorite so far.  The ways that God instructs Ezekiel to act out His message are just crazy!  He eats a scroll, acts out a nighttime escape, shadowboxes, gesticulates, builds a model Jerusalem, lays on his left side for 390 days and his right for 40 days (while bound by cords...), and heartbreakingly does not mourn the death of his wife under instruction from God.  Just wild stuff.  The setting is in the Babylonian era in the early 500 B.C. era--in the midst of the exile of Isreal & Judah and their punishment and scattering among the nations.  (I'm definitely not an O.T. scholar, so forgive me if I got any of that wrong).  Ezekiel has graphic visions of heaven, God's glory, and heavenly beings, as well as the new temple. 

Of all of that though, what stuck out to me the most was the emphasis on God's glory, His name, and His reputation.  The great thing about reading through this so quickly is that it is really easy to pick up on themes & common phrases, and in this book more than any I have seen that repetition.  There is a lot of "I, the LORD, have spoken" phrases and "It is not for your sake, but for the sake of my holy name" but the one that is most repeated is "Then they will know that I am the LORD" (or some derivative of that--sometimes "you", sometimes "the nations", etc...). 

I actually went through and underlined each instance of this statment and from the first time I noticed it (in chapter 6) through it's last appearance in ch. 39, this phrase is repeated 64 times!  That's right, 64 times in 33 chapters (actually fewer chapters b/c some of the visions did not include it...)!  So why is this so imprtant?  Well, it obviously shows that God's glory and reputation is of utmost importance to Him, but I thought that the context of these statements show very important aspects of God's character.  I'm not going to go through all, but I want to examine some of the verses with this statement and what they say about the Lord.  (all quotes from the NAS version)

7:4 "For My eye will have no pity on you nor shall I spare you, but I shall bring your ways upon you, and your abominations will be among you; then you will know that I am the LORD!"

12: 15-16 "So they will know that I am the LORD when I scatter them among the nations, and spread them among countries.  (16) But I shall spare a few of them from the sword, the famine, and the pestilence that they may tell all their abominations among the nations where they go, and may know that I am the LORD."

13:9 "So My hand will be against the prophets who see false visions and utter lying divinations.  They will have no place in the council of My people, nor will they be written down in the register of the house of Israel, nor will they enter the land of Israel, that you may know that I am the LORD GOD."

13: 21 "I will also tear off your veils and deliver My people from your hands, and they will no longer be in your hands to be hunted; and you will know that I am the LORD."

16:62 "Thus I will establish My covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the LORD."

17: 24 "And all the trees of the field will know that I am the LORD; I bring down the high tree, exalt the low tree, dry up the green tree , and make the dry tree flourish.  I am the LORD; I have spoken, and I will perform it."

20:11-12 "And I gave them My statutes & informed them of My ordinances, by which, if a man observes them, he will live. (12) And also I gave them My sabbaths to be a sign between Me and them, that they might know that I am the LORD who sanctifies them."

20:38 "and I shall purge from you the rebels and those who transgress against Me; I shall bring them out of the land where they sojourn, but they will not enter the land of Isreal.  Thus you will know that I am the LORD."

20:42 "And you will know that I am the LORD, when I bring you into the land of Israel, when I bring you into the land of Israel, in to the land which I swore to give to your forefathers."

20: 44 "Then you will know that I am the LORD when I have dealt with you for My name's sake, not according to your evil ways or according to your corrupt deeds, O house of Israel, declares the LORD GOD."

 22:15-16 "And I shall scatter you among the nations, and I shall disperse you through the lands, and I shall consume your uncleanness from you.  16 And you will profane yourself in the sight of the nations, and you will know that I am the LORD."

23: 49 "And your lewdness will be requited upon you, and you will bear the penalty of worshiping your idols; thus you will know that I am the LORD GOD."

25: 17 "And I will execute great vengeance on them [Philisita] with wrathful rebukes; and they will know that I am the LORD when I lay My vengeance on them."

28: 25-26 "Thus says the Lord GOD, 'When I gather the house of Israel from the peoples among whom they are scattered, and shall manifest My holiness in them in the sight of the nations, then they will live in their land which I gave to My servant Jacob. 26 And they will live in it securely; and they will build houses, plant vineyards, and live securly, when I execute judgments upon all who scorn them round about them. Then they will know that I am the LORD their GOD."

 29: 6 "Then all the inhabitants of Egypt will know that I am the LORD, because they have been only a staff made of reed to the house of Israel."

34: 27 "Also the tree of the field will yield its fruit, and the earth will yield its increase, and they will be secure on their land.  Then they will know that I am the LORD, when I have broken the bars of their yoke and have delivered them from the hand of those who enslaved them.

36: 11 "And I will multiply on you man and beast; and they will increase and be fruitful; and I will cause you to be inhabited as you were formerly and will treat you better than at the first.  Thus you will know that I am the LORD."

 36: 23 "'And I will vindicate the holiness of My great name which has been profaned among the nations, which you have profaned in their midst.  Then the nations will know that I am the LORD' declares the Lord GOD, 'when I prove Myself holy among you in their sight'."

36: 36 "Then the nations that are left round about you will know that I, the LORD have rebuilt the ruined places and planted that which was desolate; I, the LORD, have spoken and will do it."

39:7 "And My holy name I shall make known in the midst of My people Israel; and I shall not let My holy name be profaned anymore.  And the nations will know that I am the LORD, the Holy One in Israel."

 39:21-22 "And I shall set My glory among the nations; and all the nations will see My judgment which I have executed, and My hand which I have laid on them.  22 And the house if Israel will know that I am the LORD their God from that day onward."

39:28 " 'Then they will know that I am the LORD their God because I made them go into exile among the nations, and then gathered them again to their own land; and I will leave none of them there any longer. 29 And I will not hide My face from them any longer, for I shall have poured out My Spirit on the house of Israel,' declares the Lord GOD."

So...lots of verses but ultimately I feel that the point is that the Lord uses His power to show that He is (the only) Lord/God.  Israel has repeatedly abandoned God.  They have sought after the idols and customs of other nations, they have defiled the temple--basically they have broken the heart of the Lord.  I think this is pictured best in chapter 16 with a story of Israel as a harlot who has abandoned her first love.  God is a jealous God and does not allow for His people to serve another--therefore there are consequences to that sin and Israel is sent into exile.  Removed from the promised land and given over to the nations who they have sought after instead of the Lord.   During this time God removes those who have corrupted His people--the evil rulers (ch. 11) the false prophets (ch.13), the Idolatrous elders (ch 14) and sinful individuals (ch 18).  He also punishes the other nations who have seduced His people.  But He leaves a remnant of faithful (6:8-10) who He will restore to His good favor and with whom He will make an eternal covenant.

In the "will know that I am the LORD" statements we see examples of His power shown in particular ways.  He is powerful in that He will punish and destroy sin, unfaithfulness, idolatry, and the profaning of His name.  He is so powerful that even inanimate creation knows that He (and only He) is the LORD and controls all life.  He is powerful in the fact that what He says comes to pass.  He is powerful in mercy--He deals with us to bring glory to His name even when we deserve destruction.  His dealings with His people are so powerful that they are a witness to all nations.  Power in destruction.  Power in redemption.  Power in glory.  Power in creation.  Power over the nations.

Some people struggle with the idea that God is most concerned with the sake of His name--His glory--rather than our lives, but I find amazing freedom in this.  If it were just about our actions, why would God want to forgive our unfaithfulness?  If He were only concerned with our happiness, creation would be in utter chaos, because the total pursuit of personal happiness often causes pain and suffering to others--His concern with His glory means He is just in consequences to sin and unrighteousness in the world.  I'm struggling with verbalizing what I want to say here, but the fact that He is most concerned with His glory assures us that He is in control of what is going on in the world.  All things work together for the good--it may not be the "good" that we have in mind, but it is ultimately to bring glory to Him.

That may have made no sense whatsoever, but ultimately the question is, what is going on in your life that you and others might know that God is the Lord?

humility

I struggle with pride.  I always have, but it has been especially difficult since getting involved in ministry while I was in college.  God broke me to the extreme at one point in college and showed me that the dear ladies in my Bible study were in His hands, not mine...but I just like to get it into my head that their growth is dependent on me.  It's not.

Tonight I was reading in one of my devotional books and saw this quote (in reference to evangelism):

"Aim at the glory of God in the person's salvation. Do it not to get a name for yourself or to bring people to depend on you" ~Richard Baxter, as quoted in Show Me Your Love: Classic Christian Writings

That last part "to bring people to depend on you" kinda slapped me in the face.  I vividly remember a conversation I had with one of the girls in my first Bible study.  I was getting ready to graduate and get married and would no longer be meeting one-on-one with all the girls for discipleship, and had divided them up into pairs as accountability partners so they could learn to maintain that type of relationship on their own when they weren't being pursued in discipleship. I said something to the effect of doing this so they wouldn't depend on me and have withdrawals when I could no longer meet one-on-one, and she responded that she did not depend on me.  In total honesty, that hurt my feelings!  As much as I said that I gave God the glory for them and for their growing walks with Him, in reality I took some of that glory for myself.  I felt like their desire and growth were effects of my efforts.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, as I have seen this tendency rear it's ugly head in my life now that I am leading and discipling again. Do people grow as a result of having others invest in their lives?  YES!  but the thing I have to remember is that God could use anyone to do this work.  The growth does not come from the fact that it is me who is doing the investing--and that is amazing b/c if college students were to depend on me for their growth, it would be pretty horrible when they graduate and move away!

I feel like God has given me a "thorn in the flesh" if you will to keep me humble. That is the fact that, though ministry has often been successful, in many aspects of my life and with some of the people I love most, my efforts do nothing.  If it was all about me and what I do, everyone who I invest in would be Christians and completely on fire for the Lord and not focused on things of the world or any of that (not that I am completely on fire or focused on the Lord, but in my pride I could see that as being a source of my work).  God is working in His timing, which I cannot understand.  He will bring the glory to His name, which will sometimes mean that I get no part in it. 

Praise be to the Lord for the work He has done and is doing!

Speak, Lord, in the Stillness

I have a daily hymn devotional  that I have recently started to use again.  It has a different classic Christian hymn for every day of the year along with a short little message either regarding the circumstances of the hymn's author or something related to scripture which the hymn draws from.  Today's hymn is called "Speak, Lord, in the Stillness" and the words, especially the first stanza really touched me:

Speak, Lord, in the stillness, 

While I wait on Thee; 

Hushed my heart to listen

In expectancy.

Speak, O blessed Master, 

In this quiet hour, 

Let me see Thy face Lord,

Feel Thy touch of power.

For the words Thou speakest, 

"They are life" indeed; 

Living Bread from heaven, 

Now my spirit feed!

All to Thee is yielded,

I am not my own; 

Blissful glad surrender,

I am Thine alone.

Fill me with the knowledge

Of Thy glorious will; 

All Thine own good pleasure

In my life fulfill.

~Emily May Grimes

Last week I started leading a new Bible study and met with several of the ladies for discipleship.  Through these talks it is evident how much the Lord wants to teach all of us about trusting Him.  Saying "trust the Lord" almost seems like a cliche in Christianity--you hear it so much, yet practicing it and truly understanding it seems almost out of reach or understanding.  

I adore the first part of this hymn:

Speak, Lord, in the stillness, 

While I wait on Thee; 

Hushed my heart to listen

In expectancy.

There are 4 things that are expected here:

1. There is stillness!  We have to slow down from the hustle & bustle of life--all the noise and crazy running and BE STILL before the Lord.  Learning to rest in the Lord has been a huge lesson that I have been in the process of learning since I got sick in 2007.  It is hard to rest and to be still.  I want to move all the time and constantly be multitasking, but this is not what God wants for us.
2. We are patiently waiting on the Lord.   Our culture wants everything now.  Even tonight, while driving back from my grandfather's concert in Princeton, KY, we stopped for dinner at a Pizza Hut and it took at least 30 minutes before our meal was ready.  I admit--I felt cranky and agitated and wanted to get on with my night.  When we got home I was frustrated because my plans for the night had not gone as planned.  I just wanted everything to happen instantly.  But in that time of waiting--both for dinner and driving back home--I had some wonderful times with my family.  Waiting on God's timing is hard b/c we don't get a game plan of what He is doing in our lives, yet when I look back on any situation where I was anxiously trying to get an answer from the Lord, I see how He directed and guided me.  Our timing is not the Lord's timing, and that is a good thing!
3. We are quietly listening to Him.  Maybe it's just me, but have you ever noticed that your prayer time is a lot of self-centered babble? I honestly don't know how to listen to God.  I know that He directs me and guides me, but I honestly don't take the time to listen and reflect.  My quiet times right now consist of reading 2 short devotional entries, reading my section of the Bible for the 90 day challenge and journaling about what I have read, and then writing a quick prayer in my prayer journal--sometimes referencing what I just read & always mentioning certain requests.  Then I'm done.  I clearly am not spending enough time reflecting and listening to Him.
4. We expect Him to speak to us.  That is huge for me.  I honestly don't expect God to speak to me.  I mean, I do expect for Him to point out certain things in what I read, but I don't expect that every time that I sit down to meet with Him (in reality, to talk to Him, not with Him) that He will have something to say back to me.  

Wow--that's a lot in 17 words of a hymn!  And in reading over it a few times I just feel that everytime I sit down to meet with the Lord, I need to start by praying the words or at least the ideas of this hymn as a request and expectation of my time with my Savior.  I'm very convicted, but also eagerly anticipating what this attitude will do for my relationship with the Lord!

An update

So I'm almost through I Kings in the 90 day challenge and though it has definitely been a challenge I have learned and gained so much!  I have missed two days so far--made one up, then missed today so we'll see if I make up the time or if I can really finish in 90.  Eep!  I have learned that I really struggle to get this done if I don't do it first thing after I get up in the morning, and somehow my days seem even more full now that I'm not working--crazy!

I think that the most helpful thing for me has been that in reading in such quick succession I am able to really pick up on consistencies, patterns, cause/effect situations, etc...  In studying Israel and really all of the Old Testament figures I am overwhelmed at God's patience with His people and His true compassion & love for them.  I mean, you always hear about God's love for you, but reading about how He would punish them yet still hear them and forgive when they cried out to Him.  I love this in Judges 10:10-16. In the first 5 verses you see how Isreal has forsaken the Lord for false gods and are being punished.  Then in verse 16 "...they put away the foreign gods from among them, and served the Lord; and He could bear the misery of Israel no longer" (NASB, emphasis added).  How special is that?  That even when we turn away over and over and over, God loves us enough that it hurts Him to see us in misery--even over our own sin!

Another encouraging aspect of this study has been in seeing how God chooses and loves imperfect people.  Yes, there are consequences to sin (Moses not going into the promised land, David not getting to build the temple & losing his first son with Bathsheeba), but this is exactly the places where you see Romans 8:28 lived out!  I thought that it was especially intersting that God fulfilled his covenant with David (II Sam. 7:8-17) initially through Soloman--a child who was born to David & Bathsheeba!  He would not have existed without David's sin, yet the Lord used his lineage. 

Praise the Lord for His forgiveness, His graciousness, and His love!!!

Done with Deuteronomy, and an "AHA!" moment

I just finished Deuteronomy and the fifteenth day of "the challenge" and with that, am now finished with the books of Moses and the Law--the "boring" "irrelevant" stuff as most Christians view it at this point.  My goal in going through these has been to read them in the light of 2 Tim. 3:16-17 "All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work" (NASB).  I think I did fairly well at this, though definitely did not apply it to every single verse and passage--some of those Laws wore me out!  And I could not focus on the genealogies or lists of where Israel had traveled or the things like that. 

I had to mentally work through some of the topics as well, and my mind just does not comprehend a lot of it.  One of the biggest struggles for me has been looking at the person of Moses.  As I discussed earlier, Moses does a lot of whining and questioning God.  In Numbers 11: 10-15 we see another chunk of that "Why have you been so hard on your servant? And why have I not found favor in Your sight, that You have laid the burden of all this people on me?...Where am I going to get meat to give all this people?...So if You are going to deal this way with me, please kill me at once..." yet in 12:8 God states (of Moses) "With him I speak mouth to mouth, even openly, and not in dark sayings, and he beholds the form of the Lord..." (and then He punishes Miriam & Aaron for speaking against Moses)  I mean, that is some serious praise from God, even when Moses seems so whiny!
But then...in Numbers 20:8-13 at the waters of Meribah, God commands Moses to speak to a rock for it to bring forth water to feed the people, and instead he strikes it with his staff.  The water comes out to nourish the people, but God's immediate response is "Because you have not believed Me to treat Me as holy in the sight of the sons of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly into the land which I have given them" (v. 12).  So after what seems like a technicality, God's chosen servant who has lead the people and who God has defended in spite of his whining and constant questioning is stripped of his opportunity to see the fruit of all this work.  That just seemed so harsh and out of character to me in comparison to all the other things that he did.

I struggled with it and didn't get it until finishing Deuteronomy tonight.  In chapter 32 verse 51 God is speaking of the issue and says (which is basically the same as in Num. 20:12, but I didn't get it until now) "because you broke faith with Me in the midst of the sons of Israel at the waters...because you did not treat Me as holy in the midst of the sons of Israel."  The issue is that Moses basically disrespected and dishonored the Lord in the presence of the people who he was supposed to be pointing Him.  He acted of his own will, chose how he wanted to do things, and assumed that he had the right to do so since God had chosen him for so much (prideful?  yes.). 

I think this shows so much about our relationship with the Lord.  We have the freedom to speak honestly with God.  To ask Him, to even question and intercede and beg and whine--it is a real relationship like that.  But when it comes to our actions in front of others--especially those to whom we are in spiritual leadership--it is a huge offense to try to take things in our own hands, especially if we try to pass our own desires/wishes/actions off as commanded by God when they are not.  In doing that we are saying that His grace, His will, His sovereignty are not enough, and that we can do it better on our own.  NOPE!  As hard as it can be to comprehend at some points, it is all about God's glory and when we lose sight of that fact we are in trouble!

I'm really enjoying this plan and hope you will try it at some point, even if not doing it as quickly as 90 days, but there are definitely things that I would not have picked up on had I not read them as closely.

bible in 90 days, day 5: into the Exodus

Today I read the first 15 chapters of Exodus, and though I'm not going to do super in-depth recaps anymore (just due to the time that it takes) I wanted to make note of a few things that really stuck out to me.

Exodus thus far is basically the story of Moses...so immediately my mind is going to one the favorite movies of my childhood: the Ten Commandments with the fabulous Charlton Heston of course ;).  Wow.  They sure did take a lot of creative liberties with the story!  I think it's fair to say that I've watched the movie much more often then I've read Exodus (kinda sad) so my idea of how things transpired is a bit skewed.  Oh well...

In this section, the major thing that stuck out to me was the contrast in Moses' character from that of Abraham.  No matter what God asked of Abraham, he was met with immediate obedience.  Well, Moses seems to immediately question and protest what God asks from him.  We see this in chapter 4 when he is first charged with the responsibility of leading the Israelites out of Egypt.  He argues that he is "slow of speech and slow of tongue" and even when the Lord combats his protests with the fact that He created Moses and will be with his mouth and teach him what to say, Moses begs for someone else to deliver the messages.  God appoints Aaron, but is angry with Moses.  He does this again after his first meeting with Pharaoh which brought negative consequences to the Israelite slaves (5:22-23 "...Why didst Thou ever send me?...Thou has not delivered Thy people at all.") (whine much??)  and then in 6:12 "...the sons of Israel have not listened to me; how then will Pharoah listen to me..."

Though as a reader it is easy to see Moses' fault here, I think it is also somewhat encouraging that, despite his untrusting reaction, Moses was chosen to lead the Isrealites out of Egypt, as well as to see God and to be entrusted with the Law.  And really, who am I more like...Abraham or Moses?  Definitely Moses. 

There is an extremely confusing section in Ex. 4: 24-26 that seems so out of nowhere that I had to look up some commentary to see what in the world it had to do with.  Basically, though we don't see any unresolved conflict, the Lord meets Moses as he is on his way to Egypt and tries to kill him.  The conflict is resolved when Moses' wife Zipporah circumcises his son, and throws the foreskin at his feet and declares him to be a "bridegroom of blood."  Huh?  I won't try to explain it all b/c I don't get it fully, (you can read the commentary I looked at here) but the ultimate conflict comes down to the fact that Moses was chosen to deliver the Israelites yet had not upheld his part of the covenant of circumcision (Gen 17:9-10) in his own family.  There was potentially a cultural issue between Moses & his wife where she did not agree with circumcision on the 8th day after birth, so Moses had not implemented that requirement in his family.  Zipporah grudgingly circumcises her son to save her husband's life so that he can fulfill the will of God.  Read more if you want the details, but it does show the importance of following God's commands if you are seeking to serve him--specifically I think in the area of ministry (my own take on the issue).

Last point on this section.  A lot of people get hung up on the parts where God hardens Pharoah's heart against letting the Israelites go as opposed to when Pharoah's hardens his own heart.  I won't go into the whole issue of free will here--that can be a nightmare to try to understand/explain/discuss, but ultimately it is explained in 9:14-16 (v.16 "But indeed, for this cuase I have allowed you to remain, in order to show you My power, and in order to proclaim My name through all the earth") God did not turn Pharoah completely against what his natural inclination was or Pharoah would have never hardened his own heart.  Instead, God made sure that He fully demonstrated His own power, and showed that no other person or "god" could do what he could do (remember that the Egyptian magicians were able to replicate all of the plagues up until the plauge of the gnats).

From the beginning, it has been all about God's glory!  That is why he chooses inadequate sinners like us--if we could do it on our own, it would be no big deal!

Bible in 90 days: day 4--done w/Genesis!

Wow--in 4 days this plan has taken me all the way through the 50 chapters of Genesis!  I've decided that I'm not going to do an in-depth recap of each day, but wanted to do a little summary of what I've learned in Genesis.

Honestly, this is a very shocking book!  I don't think you totally grasp everything when spreading it out into a chapter a day as I've done before--but wow, the people in the early days were crazy!  On 3 seperate occasions you see men (Abraham twice, then Isaac) lying to the men of a new country and stating that their wives are sisters, and in this Abraham allowed Sarah to be "taken as a wife" by pharoah.  Yikes!  Then there is the craziness with Lot--first he basically offers his virgin daughters to be gang-raped instead of his male visitors, then his daughters get him drunk, sleep with him, and both become pregnant by their father (and these were the righteous people saved from Sodom & Gomorrah!).  There is all kinds of hand-maid-sharing by the barren women (Sarah, Rachel, and later Leah) to allow their husbands to have children.  Just some insane stuff.  Things that aren't even legal these days, and were done by them men who were chosen by God.  Then you have the trickery of Jacob to steal Esau's birthright & blessing, and his bargaining with God about whether he would worship Him.  It's honestly kind of mind-blowing to me!

There have been 3 major lessons that I feel like I've focused on in this book. 

1. God does not choose perfect people!  This is of course before the introduction of the Law and holiness codes, so I guess God did not ask much of His chosen people other than their faith in Him & obedience, but it is encouraging in some ways.  
2. God blesses obedience.  We see this most in the story of Abraham, but when God was establishing a covenant with him there were conditions "walk before me and be blameless (17:1), outward signs (cicumcision) and later testing of his faith (sacrificing Isaac).  In these situations Abraham immediately complies with God's instructions and does so with ultimate trust.  I feel like that is the issue with obedience.  We often disobey (God, parents, laws, etc...) because we feel that it is either not in our best interest, will not have the outcome that has been promised/warned against, or because we think we know better.  Abraham did not question God about circumcising all the men in his company--he just did it b/c he knew God had them do it for a reason.  He did not question God when told to sacrifice Isaac--he trusted that God would provide, whether that be an animal to sacrifice or to bring Isaac back from the dead.  That completely blows my mind--not just b/c he was asked to kill his child, but because Isaac was the son whom God had promised to multiply his descendants like the stars in the sky or sand by the sea!  I absolutely know that I would question that command and refuse to do it! (and I think it is significant that the Law had not yet been given which commands against killing, because then God would have been giving opposing instructions).
3. hmm...i forgot my third point...Oh yeah, God will accomplish his plan in HIS timing.  So many problems came about due to the people (*ahem, wives*) trying to make it "possible" for God to keep his promises.  Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob all had wives that were barren!  Yet the covenant with God was to multiply their descendents into a "multitude of nations."  So of course, being the logical wives that they were, Sarah & Rachel decided that the only way that this would be possible was to allow their husbands to sleep with other women.  wow.  (Rebekah was able to conceive twins after Isaac's intercession on her behalf)  Of course, there are always complications when we try to do things our way rather than God's and that is what happened!

I'm definitely enjoying doing this challenge--thanks so much to Sabrina for letting me know about it!  I think it's so much easier to remember facts and pick up on similarities when reading larger chunks at a time--especially in the Old Testament narrative (I may be stressed about missing content once we get to the epistles, we'll see!)  If you want to follow along, even if you wanted to cut each section in half and do it in 180 days, here is the reading plan.

Reading the Bible in 90 days, day 2

Today's reading was Genesis 17-28 (it was just supposed to be through 28:19, but as there were only 5 more verses I finished the chapter). 

I'm gonna be a little shorter w/my recap of this one, but first I wanted to mention what we went over in church last night.  The sermon was on Acts 15:1-31, a discussion of the new Gentiles being converted to Christianity, and how the Jewish Christians wanted to require for them to become circumcised as well.  The apostles discussed and determined that it was unnecessary for their salvation and would just make it harder for the Gentiles by adding something else to what thye had to do, and being circumcised was not required for them to be saved, as God had already marked them with the Holy Spirit.  The sermon centered on the idea that we tend to add requiremetns to God's commands and make salvation very legalistic.  It just stuck out to me after reviewing Gen. 2:17  3:3--since the Garden of Eden/the Fall we have been trying to add to God's commands which only makes it harder on ourselves!

And now back to Genesis 17-28.  In this section we hit a lot of the main OT narratives:

• Abrahams covenant with God (signified in the act of circumcision).  Abraham immediately obeys God's command/requirement and circumcises all the men in his camp.
• both Abraham & Sarah laughing at the idea of having a child so late in age (Sarah was scolded, but not Abraham...not really sure why, the Hebrew word is exactly the same in both cases)
• the story of Lot & the angels in Sodom & the subsequent destruction of Sodom & Gomorrah (this whole thing is disturbing--Lot offers up his virgin daughters to be raped by the townsmen instead of the visiting men (aka angels) and then he ends up unknowingly impregnating his daughters after the destruction of their home...just yuck)
• Lot's wife being turned into a pillar of salt (fun fact, this pillar of salt was referred to in the later writings of the Jewish historians Josephus, Clement, Iraneus, & Benjamin--it was standing accoring to their records about a thousand years later!
• Once again, Abraham misleads a foreigner (this time Abimelech) that Sarah is his sister instead of wife--goes on to rationalize it saying that she really is his half-sister and later comes into a covenant agreement with Abimelech
• Isaac is finally born to Abraham & Sarah in accordance with God's promise.  His name means laughter as they both laughed at the idea of having a child at such advanced age--now it is referred to as laughter in joy that it came to pass.
• Sarah turns against Hagar & Ishmael and drives them away--her plan ended up causing her pain--if only she had just waited for God's timing instead of trying to take matters into her own hands!  Yet God still provides of Hagar & Ishmael
• The Lord tests Abraham and commands him to offer Isaac as a sacrifice.  Abraham immediately obeys and does not question that God will provide. 
• Sarah dies & is buried.  Abraham decides to find a bride for Isaac and sends his servant to his relatives to find a person.
• The servant asks God to provide a clear sign--the chosen bride will not only give him water at the well, but will water all his camels as well.  Rebekah meets these requirements and is chosen as the bride for Isaac.  They get married and he is comforted after his mother's death.
• Abraham dies and is buried.
• It turns out that Rebekah is also barren!  God has chosen barren women to carry out the promise of a great nation through Abraham's descendants--shows His power.  
• God intervenes and Rebekah conceives and gives birth to twins, Jacob & Esau.  She is partial to Jacob, Isaac is partial to Esau.  
• Jacob is tricky, tricks Esau out of his birthright in exchange for some "red stuff" (aka lentil stew).
• Isaac moves to Gerar due to a famine...and guess what?  He also lies to Abimelech and says that Rebeckah is his sister, not his wife!  This is a weird custom if I do say so myself.  the truth is found out and Isaac also makes a covenant with Abimelech.
• Jacob is encouraged by Rebekah to trick Isaac into giving him Esau's blessing.  He disguises himself and tricks his blinding father.  This causes a grudge between the twin brothers and Jacob is sent away by his parents in another trick by Rebekah in order to save his life from Esau.
• While fleeing, Jacob has a dream in which the Lord speaks to him and promises to multiply his descendants and to give them the land.  Jacob promises to make the Lord his God and to offer a tenth of everything God gives him, as long as he protects him on the journey and gets him home safely.  

So, that's a lot of content!  I guess the biggest lessons for me in this passage are about those if immediate obedience to the Lord and trusting in His timing.  In two instances we see Abraham immediately follow the Lord's instructions: in circumcising the men in his camp and in sacrificing Isaac.  In doing these things, Abraham is showing that he completely trusts the Lord to uphold his part of the covenant and bless and mulitply his descendents.  Also, we see the consequences of Sarah trying to take God's plan into her own hands by giving Hagar to Abraham to have a child.  She becomes angry and bitter towards her handmaid and the fact that Ishmael is mocking Isaac. 

Reading the Bible in 90 days: day 1

I decided to start this challenge on the first day of August--figured that it would be a fitting start to a new month, as well as to the beginning of my new status as an unemployed woman.

My first section was to read Genesis 1:1-16:16.

Wow.  A lot of content in a few chapters.  The first part was very interesting and it is helpful to read larger portions of the Old Testament at once rather than breaking them up by chapters.  I read from the creation of the world to the birth of Ishmael to Haagar & Abram--that is a lot to study in one morning! I did struggle through some of the "begat" sections and found myself fighting my tendency to nod off.

I think my greatest fear in doing this challenge is that I will end up just glancing over the passages instead of studying them intently.  I don't think that will be quite as much of a problem in the Old Testament since it is mostly narrative, but once we get into the epistles that will be a LOT of content to go through quickly. 

However, I am trying to read all of this through the lens of 2 Tim. 3:16-17: (fun fact, this verse is referring only to the Old Testament at the time b/c the New Testament had not yet been compiled!  don't let anyone tell you that the Old Testament is not valid or useful!)

All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.

 That can be hard in the more data-heavy sections of the OT.  I'm making notes through the verses though so I can reflect on it more--however, I am also struggling with going into my "religious studies student" mindset and analyzing everything historically as we did in class.  It's hard to wrap my mind around this stuff.  Like men who lived for over 900 years and didn't start having kids until their hundreds; the creation of the earth; God referring to himself in the plural; etc...

So what did I "get out of" this section?  I'll break it up into interesting facts that I did not formerly notice/remember and things that affected me spiritually.

"Fun facts"

• Gen. 1:29-30--the only food God mentions as his provision for mankind is fruits/vegetables.  The introduction of meat into man's diet does not come until later.  A case for vegetarianism?  hmmm...  
• Gen. 2:17, 3:3--in reference to the tree of the knowledge of good & evil.  God commands Adam &
  Eve "but from the tree of the knowledge of good & evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you shall surely die."  When Eve is later talking to the serpent she says "but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, 'You shall note eat from it or touch it, lest you die'."  I won't pretend to have noticed this on my own, but it was noted in the footnotes with the concept that it is difficult for us to leave God's Word alone and often try to add our own provisions or explanations.
• Gen. 3:11--God asks "who told you that you were naked"  It made me think of Romans 7 when Paul is discussing the role of the Law with sin.  (Rom. 7:7-8..."I would not have come to know sin except through the Law; for I would not have known about coveting if the Law had not said, 'You shall not covet' But sin, taking opportunity through the commandment produced in me coveting of every kin; for apart from the Law, sin is dead.") Basically, the tree of the knowledge of good & evil is like the garden of Eden version of the Law.  Without it they were oblivious to anything that would have been considered sin or shame, and their hearts were pure.  We all know that the eating of this fruit was "the fall" and introduction of sin into the world, but I think it is interesting to look at this in light of Paul's exposition in Romans.
• Gen 3:12-13--the introduction of sin also brings the introduction of blaming others for our actions
• Gen 3:16--Eve's curse includes the provision: "Yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you"  I always think of this as interesting in light of woman's tendency towards romanticism and constant desire for romantic love.  It is part of Eve's curse!
• Gen 7:11 ..."on the same day all the fountains of the great deep burst open, and the floodgates of the sky were opened.  And the rain fell upon the earth for forty days and forty nights."  The flood is a result of overflowing from the ocean as well as from "the heavens"  You always think of just rain causing it...what can I say?  God is efficient! ;)
• Gen 8:7  I just wondered what ever happened to the raven??
• Gen 8:21 "I will never again curse the ground on account of man for the intent of man's heart is evil from his youth..."  I just think that is interesting...I mean, we know that the sin nature is in us from the beginning, but God uses this fact as the basis for his promise to never destroy all of life on the earth again.
• Gen 9:3-4 "Every moving thing that is alive shall be food for you; I give all to you, as I gave the green plant. Only you shall not eat flesh with it's life, that is, its blood."  First mention that we are allowed/commanded to eat meat.  It is only after the flood.  Just interesting to me.

Personal "take-aways"

• In the story of Abraham & Sarah (still Abram & Sarai through this section) we see a lot of them trying to take things into their own hands rather than trusting God. Abram did this is 12:11-20 when he told Sarai to pretend to be his sister, and basically whored her out to pharoah in order to protect himself form being killed so they could have his wife.  Then of course Sarai did this after God promised Abram that he would have a multitude of descendents by having him sleep w/her Egyptian handmaid (weird that both Sarai & Abram ended up sleeping with Egyptians during these passages while still married to one another).  They basically sinned against God and defiled their marriage by not trusting the Lord and trying to do things in a way that "makes sense" in the human mind. Yet it is encouraging that they were still chosen by God and blessed inspite of their lack of trust and their disobedience.
• In 16:7-16 you see the provision of the Lord for Hagar and the promise to multiply her descendants as well--of course this is an abnormal type of promise/covenant back in such a male-centered society and shows the Lord's care and concern for all people, regardless of race or gender or status.
• In 15:6-9 we see that Abram believed the Lord's promises, yet still questioned Him about how it was to happen.  God still "reckoned (his belief) as righteousness" even though he questioned and didn't fully understand.  How great for us that God loves and chooses imperfect people who make mistakes!

I'm super excited about doing this challenge (even though it kinda scares me) and will be posting regularly to update! If you are interested in joining along, the reading plan is here.  Let me know if you want to follow along!

the Bible in 90 days

Okay.  I'll be honest.  I've been inconsistent with my quiet times over the past month or so.  I feel like God is teaching me a LOT (which I will expand on soon) but I have been bad at daily devoting time to Him (though I never seem to have a problem checking the blogs/twitter/facebook.  where are my priorities?).

Well, my dear friend Sabrina has once again challenged me (well, really all her blog followers, but i always feel like she's just talking to me (; ) to read the WHOLE BIBLE  in 90 days.  Honestly, I'd been wanting to do one of the read the Bible in a year things for a while, but this is a lot faster!  However, there are so many things that I really want (and need) to refresh my mind on, and this time of total life overhaul is the perfect time for me!  So, I'm in.  and I'm extending the challenge/offer to you guys.  Here is the plan to follow.  Sabrina said it has taken her about 30-45 minutes/day so far.  Not sure how it will go for me, but since I'm going to have free days I'm all about it!  I'll be updating regularly with my progress.  Let me know if you're following along, and we can all keep each other accountable!

joy in my heart

life has been crazy and i definitely owe this little blog a for real update, but for now i just wanted to share a quick little moment of joy in my life.

as i mentioned, i will be leading a new group of bible study girls in the fall--i have 12 names so far, and have friended many of them on facebook, and had sent them an intro/getting to know you message over a month ago but nothing had progressed.  i was honestly super bummed and kinda stressed that no one had gotten back to me after my message.  i knew several of them had big things going on over the summer, but still.  big scary fear and insecurity started grabbing hold in my heart.  what if they don't want me?  what if they think i'm old and stupid and irrelevant?  what if they think i'm too fat and materialistic?  more seriously, what if i've made the wrong choice in leaving my job and pursuing this?  my mind is a bad place sometimes.  last week i voiced my fears some to both my parents while on our vacation, and to my dear friend diana--they were encouraging and honest.  i have to realize that some of them may not want me as a leader.  any time that there is a transition in a bible study leader, some people usually stop coming, but all i am responsible for is to be available and welcoming and to try to show them Christ's love.  hopefully the group will grow as will relationships with each of these ladies, and our walks with the Lord.

well, tonight i got a message from one of the girls and she is excited to meet me and wants to get together soon!  i almost cried with joy!  it has been such a roller-coaster few weeks, and it just helped me feel confident that this is the Lord's will for my life. 

so...YAY!  i am excited about this step and please pray that the Lord will work as we all begin building relationships.  :)

making progress

Guess what?  I sucked it up and went to church on my own tonight!  woohoo! 

I don't remember quite how real I've been over here about church stuff, but it has always been a hard issue for me. Not the whole church=the body of Christ, but dealing with issues within the local church.  I have been one to take more of the "church is just about having true fellowship, worship, and instruction with other believers" than connecting with a local body of Christ in the confines of a an actual church congregation.  I wrestle with this b/c it cannot be said that our culture's definition of church--you know, the greeting, sing a few songs, pray, hear a message, sing again and be dismissed routine--is exactly what was going on in Acts with the early church, and I have honestly always had better and more honest fellowship in Bible studies that were through parachurch organizations like Campus Crusade for Christ--at least since I've been out of high school. 

I was sporadic at best with my church attendance in college and honestly preferred to sleep on Sunday morning (honestly, I still do).  I was involved in about a million different aspects of college ministry and had true fellowship, Bible studies, and personal quiet times and sharing my faith, so what was the need? (I thought)

After hubs and I got married, we started regularly attending a very small church plant in town and I tried to get very involved there.  Relationships were formed, but honestly not as close as ones that I had from Crusade and independent Bible studies, and hubs never really got (or wanted to get) "plugged in" as we Christians like to say ;).  Then I got sick and everything went out the window.  Things were said or implied, feelings were hurt, hubs got turned off, and we were done.  For a long time (and still occasionally) my health was so bad on the weekends after working a full week that it was all I could do to get up by one in the afternoons on the weekends, and maybe get grocery shopping and laundry done.  And then we had a habit.  Sleep in, enjoy "off" time, get a few things done around the house, and get fellowship and instruction/accountability through Bible studies and meetings on my own.

We would occasionally very rarely go to my parents church and once my health issues became manageable we discussed finding a new "church home" but hubs was honestly not interested, and I didn't have the willpower or desire to go on my own. 

Then last May my last group of Bible study girls graduated and moved away, and suddenly I was without the consistent fellowship I had had for so long.  I kept up semi-weekly accountability meetings with a dear friend, but I missed the consistent connection with other believers.  A few times I went to my best friend's church and loved it--felt instantly like I could be (even already was) connected, but there was one tiny glitch of the church being over an hour away and in another state...Yeah, I follow their blog and listen to the podcasts, but the fellowship is not there. I have also tended to pretend that online connections with blog friends and the like can substitute...but nope. 

So tonight, after months of saying that I was going to, I stopped the excuses, decided that laundry and groceries can and should wait, and went to a church that I had been invited to by a few friends on different occasions.  Had a mini-panic...couldn't find the right place at first (found the office, not where they meet) and honeslty thought about backing out.  But I went and it was so good.  There are at least 6 people/couples that I kind of know, and the teaching and worship were really good.  Big bonus--the church meets at 5:30 on Sunday evenings, so no oversleeping worries here!  lol ;)  I have only been once so of course don't know for sure if this will be "my home church" but it is a start. 

Some of you know details of this, and I won't go into it for his privacy, but hubs is still very hurt and somewhat jaded about "the church"in general.  Please pray for that.  I can't do anything to change his mind, and honestly any more discussion will not help, but please just pray for him to have a desire for this.  And for me to get over the stigma I place on being a married woman who is trying to walk with the Lord yet going to church alone.  That is hard pill for me to swallow, but it's time to take a big gulp and be done with it. 

Here's to a step in the right direction! (and keep me accountable to keep walking...)

Whelmed...

Remember that line from Ten Things I Hate About You (the original w/Heath Ledger and Julie Stiles, not the stupid  ABC family show):

Chastity: I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?
Bianca: I think you can in Europe. 

(lol)


Well, tonight I am feeling "whelmed"...or maybe overwhelmed...but I think it's whelmed ;)

More details will be free to post next week, but I think I can safely tell you that next year, I will once again be leading a college Bible study with Campus Crusade for Christ.  Tonight I got a list of my new girls and have begun "friending" them on facebook...and a light bit of profile stalking to see what they are like. ;)  Let me just say, WOW.  I can already tell that this is going to be an amazing group of women who are completely on fire for the Lord.  And I'm feeling quite intimidated. 

You know how sometimes you just know that you are supposed to do something and you take that leap of faith and jump right in without really considering the consequences?  That's kind of where I am.  As soon as this opportunity came up I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is what God wants me to do next year.  But now comes the act of doing it. 

I've taken on groups before who are transitioning from other leaders, and that can always be kind of rocky & full of growing pains.  Some girls stop coming to the study and don't want to switch their "allegiance" from their former leader (you know, the 1 Cor. 1:12 thing of believers arguing about being followers of Paul, Peter, Apollos, Christ, etc...it can be like that).  Well, not only are these girls transitioning, but they are transitioning to me from leaders who are full-time staff with Crusade.  I feel inadequate.  I've never felt that way before when starting a Bible study.  That may be a good sign--I am growing out of my pride-heavy attitude and realizing that it's not about me...but it is still scary.

I've now been out of college for 4 years (which is as long as I was in college..that is wild for me to wrap my mind around) and am in a very different place in life.  Also, this will be the first group of women that I have not known at all prior to leading them in Bible study.  I am no longer the religious studies major who is constantly studying and debating theology and different interpretations of scripture (which again, may be a good thing).  I have spent the last four years--honestly--more focused on things of the world than things of Christ.  Whether it be my hobbies or reading or entertainment or baking or whatever--my life has been very different than the lives of the women who have formerly lead these groups.  I feel like I honestly have nothing to offer. 

I'm not quite sure why I feel so differently now...maybe a year really does make a huge difference b/c it has only been one year since my last group graduated and flew the nest.  But one year off of ministry--and a year that is as up and down as this one has been for me--can be huge.  Also, I am scared of building the new relationships...and what if they think I'm a crazy loser who is too old and fat to teach them anything??  (okay...hopefully that is an irrational fear...but still)  They are all super involved leaders in Crusade, which I have not been part of for quite some time...my last group was mostly 5th year seniors who didn't go to CRU anymore anyway.  And my last group...well, we were crazy.  And super vulnerable.  And they knew when I was struggling and accepted me in spite of it.  And sometimes we skipped the study and played wii and sometimes they could hear hubs curse while playing Call of Duty and they just thought it was funny...and often sometimes I would curse while we were playing wii and they cursed right back and we were just closer for it.  I know that sounds silly and maybe wrong and like I was a terrible leader, but it was a very close group and we had real fellowship.  And my first group...WOW.  We were together for 4 years including when I went through my undone-ness and when I first learned about vulnerability and how to be honest and trust.  I discipled those girls one-on-one and learned more from them than I ever could have taught (same with the second group).  So maybe I'm scared to try to follow those experiences?  Like it's impossible for me to have a "successful" Bible study more than twice?  I don't know.  And then, of course, comes the inevitable part where they grow up and graduate and move away once again.  Also, will it be different now that they are less peers and closer to my brother's age?  hmm...So many fears and insecurities.

Ultimately, I think that my greatly humbled feelings towards this are right, but it is still scary.  I am going to need to spend the next few months intensely preparing to once again having this leadership and discipleship role.  Please pray for me and for the hearts of the women who I will be leading.  Pray for a sense of unity growth and also that I will have opportunities to grow closer to some of these women over the summer. 

i'm stuck in a holding pattern right now.  waiting for things to happen but bound by time.  i have goals and work to do and thoughts that i want to share, but i can't come out with it just yet.  i'm excited about the future though and can't wait to share things freely!

the doubting sarah

Ever since I came undone I have had regular times when I really really struggle with doubt. The kind of doubts that Christians don't talk about.  Like, "all this God stuff sounds ridiculous--why am I even pretending to believe or convincing myself that I believe it?" or "How can I really believe that Heaven and Hell are real--that is just silly" or even "I don't believe that a good God would choose to save some people and not others when he could save everyone."  It's hard.  I feel like a bad person when I think those thoughts.  It makes me question who I am, my purpose in life, THE purpose OF life, everything.  I try to press those thoughts down, but occasionally they spring up.  Honestly I feel like I'm being blasphemous to even admit that I do struggle with this, but I feel like I'm supposed to share this. 

Last night I was thinking about these things again--having skipped time with the Lord for 12 days (how ridiculous is it that 12 days can shake me!?!?).  I don't know why I let myself get in that kind of pattern...no, I do know...it is how Satan gets a foothold in my life (is it bad that I feel silly to even type that?  why do I have such a weirdness about admitting the reality of hell and satan and all that??) but that is where I have been. So I decided that instead of wasting time reading things that do not matter and allowing myself to get deeper in this pit I would spend time with the Lord instead. After reading Psalm 76 I picked up Brennan Manning's Abba's Child and started reading again--he deals a lot with doubts and faith and learning to find our true identity as a child of God.  Here are a few things that really struck me last night:

This fear of ridicule paralyzes more effectively than would a head-on attack or an outspoken harsh critics.  How much good is left undone because of our fear of the opinion of others!  We are immobilized by the thought: what will others say?  The irony of all this is that the opinions we fear most are not those of people we really respect, yet the same persons influence our lives more than we want to admit.  This enervating fear of our peers can create an appalling mediocrity. p. 134

 So I definitely struggle with this fear of looking stupid or being thought ignorant because of my faith.  That just breaks my heart--when i think about it clearly...unfortunately not often enough...   Back in college when I was in those classes with people who openly criticized Christianity I was silent.  Embarrased.  Confused.  Ashamed to admit my true identity in Christ.  Just plain stupid.  Now I am sad to say that I have adapted my relationships to be "in and of the world"--in my desire to relate to friends who are not believers or who are not walking with the Lord I have not been set apart.  I just try to blend in.  And that is not okay either. 

The truth of faith has little value when it is not also the life of the heart.~Abba's Child. p. 135

 Manning goes on to quote Soren Kierkegaard, a philosopher about whom I studied much in my philosophy minor but now remember nothing!  But this quote rings so true:

We artful dodgers act as if we do not understand the New Testament, because we realize full well that we should have to change our way of life drastically.  That is why we invented "religious education" and "christian doctrine."  Another concordance, another lexicon, a few more commentaries, three other translations, because it is all so difficult to understand...

 Now I'm not knocking the pursuit of Biblical knowledge and theology--those things definitely have their places--but so often we lose sight of truth in search of information. 

The measure of our depth-awareness of Christ's present risenness is our capacity to stand up for the truth and sustain the disapproval of significant others. p. 137

 So if I truly comprehend (though I don't know that as humans we ever can...) or even begin to appreciate what Christ did for me, I should be not only willing, but EAGER to look foolish to others by proclaiming truth.  But it honestly scares me.

So what do I know?  When I fail to pursue a relationship with the Lord, I am opening doors and windows...basically knocking down the walls of protection...to invite Satan to bring these doubts into my mind.  It doesn't matter if it sounds silly to others or even if it makes sense or is logical...it is the truth and has been proven and shown so many times...and even if it wasn't proven, it's about having faith!  I mean, how silly would it be if every time that hubs and I were apart or not connecting the best I would all of the sudden doubt his existence and the legitimacy of our marriage?!?! 

I have so far to go, but I hope that by sharing this someone else will be encouraged to travel the road beside me...

the thing about marriage is that you are basically inviting another person to see the most miserable ugly sides of yourself, and then trusting that they won't run screaming for the hills. 

tonight was one of those nights.  still feeling miserably sick, hubs and i got into one of those ridiculous arguments that arises purely out of misunderstandings about one another's "tone" and then gets out of hand.  he said something that hurt my heart and i flipped out like never before.  i broke one of my cute little milk glass custard cups.  threw it on the ground and one of the pieces cut his leg.  i am embarrassed.  we talked it out and all, but it is just one of those miserable times that you wish you could take back.  we are not one of those couples to be all snuggly after a fight.  we both need alone time to just be.  so here we are. 

but we're married and we still love each other.  sometimes it is not rainbows and butterflies, but instead shards of milk glass on the ground that have to be swept up and thrown away so that we can start again.

I've been in an odd place lately.  Pensive and at the same time feeling like my thoughts are very shallow.  It is interesting where life takes you.  I stumbled upon a saved im conversation that I had with an old friend several years back who had asked me what I felt that my calling in life was.  My reply?

"Motherhood & ministry.  I'm 100% sure"

Hmmm...Here I am at a time in my life where both would be possible.  For the first time in 7 years I am not actively involved in any ministry, and we are not yet ready for kids.  To be honest, the thought of having a child absolutely terrifies me!!  It just feels weird.  Am I out of line with God's will for my life or is he just taking me a different route to get there?

I'm also struggling in my times with the Lord once again.  I just am having a hard time getting into it.  I guess it's like any relationship...I mean, w/hubs some of our date nights or times together are really awesome and we're emotionally connected, but sometimes we're just doing it b/c it is what our marriage needs. 

Once again, I'm struggling with my weight a LOT.  I just don't know how to make the lifestyle changes that I need to do and all my health conditions are making it very difficult to maintian any type of exercise routine.  I'm eating more fruits and veggies, that is one of my main goals, and trying to keep the baked stuff out of the house, but it's just hard for me.  Baking is my outlet.  I don't feel like I can do any kind of deprivation diet b/c then I just give up, but right now I'm giving up no matter what I do.  I feel like it's silly to ask, but will you pray for me in this?  I have got to get it under control. 

I feel like a broken record.  It seems like it's always the same things that I'm dealing with and that makes me feel like I have no willpower or ability to make progress.  Boo. 

I know I've been silent over here for the past several weeks...it's been a time of much thought, prayer, and discussion with hubs about plans for our future and the next coming months and years.  hope to update in more detail soon, but in the meantime i just wanted to put in a quick post.  please pray for us! thanks for your support and encouragement :)

my little heart (and eyes...and nose) are very full tonight.  i am overwhelmed.  i am uncertain.  most of all, i am drained...  this winter has been very difficult for me when it comes to my health, and i just don't know how much longer i can go on the way that i have been.  i need prayer please!  i won't go into everything here on this public blog, but i am going to write a few of my dear friends with details and if you would like to be included just comment with your email--i consider all of my readers here that i am aware of to be dear friends...i just never know who may wander over here from my profile...  just please pray for me and hubs to have wisdom as to what we need to do for me to be able to go on and to thrive again. 

humbling...

If you have not yet, read my previous post, then come back here.

What can I say but that God knows how to speak to us? I went to read my devotionals tonight with a heavy heart and weary. The Classic Christian Writings book had an entry for February 29th which I was about to skip over, but decided to read anyway (the completest in me...) I'll just reproduce the whole thing b/c it is so clearly where I am:

Tears of Love
Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!" But some of them said, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?"
John 11:35-37

"Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus to show us that it was no sin to shed a tear of love and resignation at the grave of a deceased friend. He wept to see what havoc sin had made in the world and how it had reduced man--by making him subject to death--to a level with the beasts that perish.
Above all, He wept at the foreknowledge of the people's unbelief. He wept to think how many then present would not only not believe on Him but would be hardened and have their prejudices increased more and more against Him, though He should raise Lazarus from teh dead before their eyes.
For then the bystanders said, "Behold, how He loved him." But all were not well affected at seeing Jesus weep! For we are told that some of them said, "Could not this man, who opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even this man should not have died?" One would imagine that Satan himself could scarce have uttered a more perverse speech. "Is not this a sufficient proof that He is a cheat? Is it likely that He really helped others when He could not help His own friend?"
How patient ought the servants of our Lord to be! And how may they expect to be censured and have their good deeds questioned! "

~George Whitfield

That was my attitude tonight, and how appropriate for me to read this!

As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me, While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God for I SHALL YET PRAISE HIM, the help of my countenance, and my God.
Psalm 42

Lord, thank you for this reminder of how You care, and how I need to trust YOUR PLAN.

need to vent

Today was just not a fun day. I was just agitated and frustrated and bordering on angry all day. Frustrated with busy-ness at work and things getting messed up. Agitated with incompetent insurance representatives that I literally had to walk through how to do THEIR JOB and they still got it wrong. Annoyed with people--someone literally argued with me that they were preparing taxes for 2008!! Busy. Hot. Tired. Cranky. Did not sleep well last night. Do you ever just have one of those days? This was one of mine. I'm not feeling very gracious towards others.

Lynne passed away. Remember how I asked you to pray for a miracle? Well, it didn't happen. I guess there is a "miracle" in that other lives will be saved due to the donation of her organs, but not the miracle that I wanted. And I really truly believed that God would provide that miracle. I think that's what is so hard. And I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this--I don't get it! It's not like I lost a family member or close friend, or even an acquaintance...I NEVER EVEN MET HER!! So why is affecting me so much? I have shed a lot more tears over her situation than you would think--I cried today in the middle of TJ MAXX talking to my mom about it. I guess part of it is because of their closeness to my family. My dad was with them every step of the way...right down to when they decided to turn off the life support. My mom is hurting. Her heart is breaking... it's just such a shocking thing to happen. My mom had this same type of procedure a few years ago as did some of their friends. No one expected it or was prepared. And I really wanted God to heal her. I hurt for her husband and her children who are now without her. It just doesn't make sense. And I know that's life, but nobody said we have to like it right? Just pray for the Breen family.

Ten in 10 update

I realized I haven't posted about the Ten in 10 challenge in a while so I wanted to give an update on that...though I think it's almost over?? I'm not good at counting weeks..

Well, basically I have not done too great. I feel that I was struck by some amazing miracle at the end of last week and my stomach just was not so hungry! I was shocked! I got full really easily and made mostly good choices. I weighed in yesterday and was back to a few ounces within the lowest that I was this year after a bit of a setback while I was sick, so I was pleased to see that!

However, I did not exercise AT ALL last week due to...being sick again! (what else?) Sinus infection this time. And we ate horribly all weekend. Seriously, had some kind of take-out every single night of the weekend. So I've got to get back into the good eating habits. I feel like I'm just on a seesaw--I don't care at all and blow everything and then I get really worried about it and do well for a few days. blah. I don't really know how to break out of this? Any good suggestions? I am just not the willpower queen. And I don't want to give up my baking!

Thankfully, my feet have been feeling much better lately, so at least exercising is an option again!

I guess that's it for now. Wish me luck at doing better!

FamilyLife.com--the bitter poison

Read this article from family life this evening and wanted to share it. I think we all probably struggle with this in some ways in our marriages. Regardless of how our spouses hurt or disappoint us, nothing good comes from keeping a "bank account" of ways our spouse has wronged us--you don't earn interest towards a better marriage with that!

Loved this last paragraph especially:

• "worry about changing yourself, not your husband. You cannot change your spouse—only God can. But what you can do is allow God to change your heart. If you have a log of bitterness in your own eye, how can you take the speck out of your husband's eye? (Matthew 7:3). You, too, have made choices in this relationship that have hurt your husband and need to be mended. Even though your husband's sin goes unresolved for now, he will answer for them one day before God (Matthew 10:26). In the same way, God will hold you responsible for the bitterness in your heart."

This is one of the biggest issues for me. I tend to think I am perfect--that whole pride thing coming into play again--and that is just not the case. When I find myself being especially discontent or bitter towards hubs I try to make a list of things that I love about him and really focus on those. Thank God for the things your husband IS, not what he isn't. (because...guess what? He may have his own needs or desires that you are not living up to!)

Hope you read and enjoy this article!

Archive - FamilyLife.com

Posted using ShareThis