Active Passivity

For the past few months God has entrusted me with an amazing group of godly young women to lead in Bible study.  Joining in with this new group was scary for me (and them)--I had thought that my days of leading college Bible studies were over...but when Patrick & I began to pray about a career change for me, God provided the amazing opportunity to work on a part-time basis with the Campus Crusade for Christ staff team and lead this amazing group of young ladies! I prayed all summer long about the girls in the group--specifically that God would make them teachable and provide opportunities for us to grow close as a body of Christ.  I was looking over my prayer journal recently about entries around the time that this decision was made.  I wrote this entry on what my attitude should be based on I Cor ch 1- 3 (which I actually re-read today):

How should I start this group?

• not with superiority of speech or wisdom 
• determined to know nothing except Christ crucified
• with them in weakness, fear, and trembling
• to demonstrate the Spirit & power, not persuasive words of "wisdom"
• seeking to help them rest their faith on the power of God, not the wisdom of men

I continued to pray all summer long for the Lord to prepare my heart, keep me humble, and focus on turning them towards Him rather than trying to get glory for myself (one of my bigger sin issues).  I also prayed specifically for the Lord to provide specific things in common with the girls to provide a more natural transition--and God did this in amazing ways!  Seriously, I have something unique in common with each girl in the group that I feel like God divinely ordained to make this ministry fruitful and unifying to glorify Him.  It is so amazing to see how in just a few short months they are pouring our their hearts to me and one another--a true picture of unity in the body of believers--and through that they are pouring into other students in Crusade and on campus.  AMAZING!

But the crazy thing is, despite everything God has done, the majority of my prayers about this group contained the phrase "I'm scared."  I knew that God was directing me to serve in this way, but the group of ladies that I have are seniors, so firm in their walks with the Lord, and have also had several leaders of their group over their time in college.  In reality, I had not walked closely with the Lord on a consistent basis since I graduated college.  Time with Him was sporadic and out of duty rather than desire.  Going in to this semester I was keenly aware of my failings (you can read about that here) and the knowledge that I was no longer the Religious Studies & Philosophy major--full of Bible trivia and theology and all the "right" answers.  I had struggled with severe depression when my ideas of what the future would look like came crashing down; I had spent lots of time in a secular (but still very "bible belt") environment which taught me a LOT about what non-believers or those who are not actively pursuing the Lord need to know (and you know what?  it's not a bunch of big theological words) but in which I also cared maybe too much about "fitting in" (seriously?  am I in jr. high again?) than walking with the Lord.  I also struggled a lot for the first time with full-blown materialism and "stuff" lust as well as the desire to brainlessly zone out in front of the TV and magazines.  So yeah--a very different place than I was in while in college.  Just kinda a mess.

Then I started the 90 day Bible challenge (which I technically failed once I got to the New Testament--not yet done but still working on reading the Bible through in large chunks)  and do you know what?  When you spend time with the Lord--He works in your life!!  Crazy right??  Who would have thought that a relationship would be strengthened by regular time together?? God has taught me a lot through this for sure (which I will summarize when I'm through!).  On top of that, in Bible study we've been studying the book of Ephesians as a group (which I will be posting about and actually posting our lessons soon) and then as I meet one-on-one with each of them every other week for discipleship we are reading Abide in Christ by Andrew Murray (one of my favorites!).
 I feel like what I am learning most through all of these is our need for utter reliance on the Lord.  I feel like it can be summed up by the oxymoronic phrase "Active Passivity."  As we study John 15--the parable of the vine and the branches as a picture of our relationship with the Lord--we see the need for complete dependence on the Lord.  We can't do anything to make the vine (God) sustain us--by His plan, that is His role which is accomplished through the Holy Spirit.  But if we disconnect from the vine we whither and die.  Also, we cannot bear fruit of ourselves--have you ever seen a branch lying on the ground and just start flowering and sprouting fruit on its own?  Of course not!  Yet somehow we expect to do that.

This concept is so hard for us to grasp in many ways I think b/c of our cultural values.  Have you ever heard the phrase "If you want something done right you've got to do it yourself"?  Definitely not biblical--yet independence & self reliance are things we seem to aspire to above all.  Ultimately we cannot do anything for God.  Just like the branch, we are merely a vessel through which the Lord chooses to work and bear fruit.

So where does the "Active Passivity" come in?  Our role/activity is submission:  yield our life to the Lord, trust Him to accomplish what He promises, and wait for Him to work.  We have to actively do those things.  Yielding our direction & goals for life does not just happen when we pray one unbelieving prayer "Lord control my life" then push it aside and continue on in our own way.  I think one of the best examples of taking steps of faith to yield, trust, and wait is in Mark 9: 17-29, the story of the centurion asking Jesus to heal his son.  Verse 24 says "Immediately the boy's father cried out and began saying, 'I do believe; help my unbelief.'"  That prayerjust acknowledges our desire to take these steps of faith, yet our inability to actually make those attitude changes happen.  Over and over and over again we must pray "I yield my life to you--help me yield my life to you" and take every doubting impatient thought captive and pray this prayer and then wait for Him to work.  I think that--the waiting--may be hardest for me (though none of them are easy b/c I think my plans are better...).  It's just that waiting for the Lord's timing requires patience, and we are used to getting what we want NOW.  And honestly I think we (definitely I) just don't actually expect God to work.  When I was praying about being entrusted with this group, I was praying for the Lord to work, but the sense of fear really overcame me.  I did not truly believe that God would work in this situation--yet He did and continues to do so by His own power--not by my power or anything I say or do.

So that is one of the huge lessons of right now.  Honestly, it's abstract and difficult for any of us to grasp or even desire b/c it just doesn't seem real, but there is such freedom in coming to the acceptance that ultimately it's not up to us to cause growth or to bear fruit. I pray (and ask you to pray) that we will continue to internalize this lesson, seek to truly abide in Christ, and yield our lives to bear the fruit which God has called us to produce.