humility

I struggle with pride.  I always have, but it has been especially difficult since getting involved in ministry while I was in college.  God broke me to the extreme at one point in college and showed me that the dear ladies in my Bible study were in His hands, not mine...but I just like to get it into my head that their growth is dependent on me.  It's not.

Tonight I was reading in one of my devotional books and saw this quote (in reference to evangelism):

"Aim at the glory of God in the person's salvation. Do it not to get a name for yourself or to bring people to depend on you" ~Richard Baxter, as quoted in Show Me Your Love: Classic Christian Writings

That last part "to bring people to depend on you" kinda slapped me in the face.  I vividly remember a conversation I had with one of the girls in my first Bible study.  I was getting ready to graduate and get married and would no longer be meeting one-on-one with all the girls for discipleship, and had divided them up into pairs as accountability partners so they could learn to maintain that type of relationship on their own when they weren't being pursued in discipleship. I said something to the effect of doing this so they wouldn't depend on me and have withdrawals when I could no longer meet one-on-one, and she responded that she did not depend on me.  In total honesty, that hurt my feelings!  As much as I said that I gave God the glory for them and for their growing walks with Him, in reality I took some of that glory for myself.  I felt like their desire and growth were effects of my efforts.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, as I have seen this tendency rear it's ugly head in my life now that I am leading and discipling again. Do people grow as a result of having others invest in their lives?  YES!  but the thing I have to remember is that God could use anyone to do this work.  The growth does not come from the fact that it is me who is doing the investing--and that is amazing b/c if college students were to depend on me for their growth, it would be pretty horrible when they graduate and move away!

I feel like God has given me a "thorn in the flesh" if you will to keep me humble. That is the fact that, though ministry has often been successful, in many aspects of my life and with some of the people I love most, my efforts do nothing.  If it was all about me and what I do, everyone who I invest in would be Christians and completely on fire for the Lord and not focused on things of the world or any of that (not that I am completely on fire or focused on the Lord, but in my pride I could see that as being a source of my work).  God is working in His timing, which I cannot understand.  He will bring the glory to His name, which will sometimes mean that I get no part in it. 

Praise be to the Lord for the work He has done and is doing!

Speak, Lord, in the Stillness

I have a daily hymn devotional  that I have recently started to use again.  It has a different classic Christian hymn for every day of the year along with a short little message either regarding the circumstances of the hymn's author or something related to scripture which the hymn draws from.  Today's hymn is called "Speak, Lord, in the Stillness" and the words, especially the first stanza really touched me:

Speak, Lord, in the stillness, 

While I wait on Thee; 

Hushed my heart to listen

In expectancy.

Speak, O blessed Master, 

In this quiet hour, 

Let me see Thy face Lord,

Feel Thy touch of power.

For the words Thou speakest, 

"They are life" indeed; 

Living Bread from heaven, 

Now my spirit feed!

All to Thee is yielded,

I am not my own; 

Blissful glad surrender,

I am Thine alone.

Fill me with the knowledge

Of Thy glorious will; 

All Thine own good pleasure

In my life fulfill.

~Emily May Grimes

Last week I started leading a new Bible study and met with several of the ladies for discipleship.  Through these talks it is evident how much the Lord wants to teach all of us about trusting Him.  Saying "trust the Lord" almost seems like a cliche in Christianity--you hear it so much, yet practicing it and truly understanding it seems almost out of reach or understanding.  

I adore the first part of this hymn:

Speak, Lord, in the stillness, 

While I wait on Thee; 

Hushed my heart to listen

In expectancy.

There are 4 things that are expected here:

1. There is stillness!  We have to slow down from the hustle & bustle of life--all the noise and crazy running and BE STILL before the Lord.  Learning to rest in the Lord has been a huge lesson that I have been in the process of learning since I got sick in 2007.  It is hard to rest and to be still.  I want to move all the time and constantly be multitasking, but this is not what God wants for us.
2. We are patiently waiting on the Lord.   Our culture wants everything now.  Even tonight, while driving back from my grandfather's concert in Princeton, KY, we stopped for dinner at a Pizza Hut and it took at least 30 minutes before our meal was ready.  I admit--I felt cranky and agitated and wanted to get on with my night.  When we got home I was frustrated because my plans for the night had not gone as planned.  I just wanted everything to happen instantly.  But in that time of waiting--both for dinner and driving back home--I had some wonderful times with my family.  Waiting on God's timing is hard b/c we don't get a game plan of what He is doing in our lives, yet when I look back on any situation where I was anxiously trying to get an answer from the Lord, I see how He directed and guided me.  Our timing is not the Lord's timing, and that is a good thing!
3. We are quietly listening to Him.  Maybe it's just me, but have you ever noticed that your prayer time is a lot of self-centered babble? I honestly don't know how to listen to God.  I know that He directs me and guides me, but I honestly don't take the time to listen and reflect.  My quiet times right now consist of reading 2 short devotional entries, reading my section of the Bible for the 90 day challenge and journaling about what I have read, and then writing a quick prayer in my prayer journal--sometimes referencing what I just read & always mentioning certain requests.  Then I'm done.  I clearly am not spending enough time reflecting and listening to Him.
4. We expect Him to speak to us.  That is huge for me.  I honestly don't expect God to speak to me.  I mean, I do expect for Him to point out certain things in what I read, but I don't expect that every time that I sit down to meet with Him (in reality, to talk to Him, not with Him) that He will have something to say back to me.  

Wow--that's a lot in 17 words of a hymn!  And in reading over it a few times I just feel that everytime I sit down to meet with the Lord, I need to start by praying the words or at least the ideas of this hymn as a request and expectation of my time with my Savior.  I'm very convicted, but also eagerly anticipating what this attitude will do for my relationship with the Lord!