When I came undone

Sorry that I have not been posting as regularly here--I am still keeping up w/studying the word everyday, but have wanted to post about this and just have not yet gotten to the point where I was ready, or I couldn't find what I needed. This is a big post for me...I want to share about one of the most spiritually difficult times in my life but I want to do it right with a focus on God's provision and comfort. I'll try to keep this clear though my mind is always running in circles.

As a bit of a setup, I feel like God has been bringing all of this to the forefront of my mind and heart--the topics being common in scripture that I've been reading as well as the two books I have been going through in my devotionals. We'll kick it off with my purpose in sharing this, which I found so clearly stated in my quiet time tonight from Ruth Graham's "Fear Not Tomorrow, God is Already There"

"Our willingness to come undone, to trust God with our pain, to let Him in, to receive His comfort, and to allow Him to walk us out of our brokenness will always make a difference in the lives of other people, whether it be those watching our lives or those whom we will encourage later" (p. 67)

My junior year of college I was at the height of my pridefulness (well, I'm not doubting that I have the ability in my nature to get there again...). I was leading an amazing Bible study of young women who were eagerly seeking the Lord (something I took way too much credit for), I was getting wonderful grades in my religious studies and philosophy classes (so I naturally thought I was something pretty special, understanding the mysteries of God and mankind and all that...), I had recently completed a 6 week mission trip in Russia, and I was sharing my faith with others around me. I had spent the fall semester half-heartedly praying for humilty, but not really taking it seriously. As I looked over my prayer journal from that time I found many entries where I was praying for repentance in my friend's lives, but glossing over my sins that I was struggling with. But I will admit, everything looked really good on the outside!

My religious studies classes had been hard in some ways in the past--when you take something as personal and significant as your faith and decide to pick it apart and examine it from a secular perspective, it is naturally something that shakes you a little. This semester was different. I don't remember exactly what classes I had now, but in addition to some very critical religious studies classes (Old Testament with a professor who was focused on showing that things were wrong was one of them), I was immersed in philosophy classes with militant atheists. I vividly remember classes full of guys who would praise certain philosophers purely because "they hate Christians." It was the first time in my life when I really felt persectuted--not to my face b/c I was so quiet and intimidated, but being in the Bible belt, I just didn't hear that very much. It began to wear on my very quickly.

Here is where my head was, taken straight from my prayer journal at the time, it's long, sometimes repetitive, but brutally honest (I left out some of my more personal things, as well as the people I was praying for...ironically, I lifted up the same people in almost every entry, even when I was blatantly questioning):

• January 10, 2005 "Thank you for allowing me to get through the first day of classes and Bible study. I really feel like I can do this (Maybe foolishly-but you have given me the strength and discipline to accomplish this)...Help me not to become prideful in any way but to really look to you for guidance with the girls"
• January 23 "Father, I am still feeling so apathetic, I just need you to show me what I am focusing on that is drawing my attention away from You. I feel like I honestly d on't really care about anything right now"
• January 26, "I just feel so discouraged...I know that my pride is a sin & now I am questioning my motives and my actions and everything...Help me overcome my pride and unteachability and know-it-all-ness"
• January 29 "Give me humility and help me to be teachable"
• February 2 "I just cannot do this (notice the contrast f/m Jan 10?) I am so absolutely exhausted. Please just refresh me....I so badly want to serve you and follow you ,but I cannot continue like this"
• February 6 "Right now I just need Your power. I feel like you are just showing me all my weakness this semester to make me rely on You...Please just take over. Make Your power overcome me because I cannot do it. I cannot survive this semester, much less thrive without you working amazingly. Help me surrender to you. Fill me with Your power and work through me in Bible study. Renew my passion for ministry and for You and despite my strenthlessness, please allow me to be an effective servant"
• February 7 "I feel your peace more today. Thank you. Please help me grab hold of this peace and not feel that I must be stressed. Please continue towork in me and all that is going on. Fulfill the discipline that You have placed in my life so I can be a good steward of Your time. Fill me with Your power and glorfiy Your name...Please work through me still and allow me to have an effective ministry for your glory"
• February 9 "Thank you for such a better day today. You have brought joy to my soul again and have released a burden. Please continue to work--continue to break me and teach me to rely on you."
• February 13 "...Continue to teach me how to grow in you and humble me and help me rely on You completely.
• February 21 "I am just struggling right now. I feel spiritual turmoil from my classes and frustration in ministry. Please renew my zeal for you and work through me despite my attitude."
• February 22 "Please just show your power and reassure me. These classes are taking a toll and I don't feel like I am in a position to lead anyone when I am struggling like this. Please renew my desire for you & help me stop questioning. Help me continue to speak the truth and lead in a way that will glorify You, even if I don't feel it.
• February 27 "Father, I just feel drained. I have lost all desire for anything. I don't feel like doing ministry, studying for school, spending time with you or anyone at all. All I want to do right now is wallow in my misery. I need you to rescue me from this--I get what you are doing, you are humbling and breaking me--but am I supposed to be broken to the point of doubting You? I don't know how to get past these feelings. I keep hearing what the guy in Metaphysics said--'isn't it worthless spending your whole life striving for a perfection that can never be reached?' I feel frustrated with that...I am tired of striving and it is so hard to have my faith bltantantly attacked in 3 of my classes. I don't feel fit to lead. I don't feel sure of anything anymore. I need You to unleash that "Spirit of power and self discipline" that you say I have because I do not feel it. God, I'm just so discouraged. I cann't go on like this. I feel like nothing I'm doing is fruitful and I just see people being turned away. I'm questioning my actions and what you say in your word. Please just work and work through me despite all of this to minister to my girls."
• February 28 " Thank you for getting me through one more day. Give me the discipline to make it through this week and complete everything"
• March 1 "Thank you again for a better day and for helping me concentrate to study. Please be w/my diligence the rest of the week and help me to focus on what I need to get done, but not lose you in the process"
• March 2 "I feel really torn--a duality of throught. I am teaching and practicing one thing, but my mind is thinking the opposite. I have become distracted from you plan by these "scholarly works" and am so confused...I feel that the root is me doubint your power. I don't see you as powerful as you are. I don't see you able to work in these people's lives, but I cannot deny what you have done in me and it is so hard to keep being attacked and to hear so much of people turning away from you. Please show yourself ot me more and clearly and help me survive these next few weeks"
• March 16 "I'm falling apart and so is everything else. Please forgive me for not being consistent in my times with you. I'm so worthless without you working through me. Please give me the strengthe and the discipline to get evertyhing done, and the desire to not give up. Help me to stand form when my classes are so discouraging and I hust have so many questions and no one to help me find the answers. I feel like your word is so confusing and all the books I read are biased--what is true?...Give me boldness in you and confidence in your power rather than fear in what they will think"
• March 25 "Father, I just need to be broken of my analytical attitude. I feel like this has taken hold of me this week and it's very painful. Being with my family I just feel so far from you. It is shoved in to my face and I don't like it. I want to be close to you again...Draw me close to you again and help me to overcome this attitude of criticism."

And that's it. I did not write (or have time with the Lord) again until my next entry on June 20. Nearly 3 months. Mind you, I did still lead Bible study and discipleship during this time, but if anything was done in those girls' lives through that study, it was purely God working in spite of me b/c my heart was not in it. I felt like a complete hypocrite b/c I questioned every bit of what I was teaching. Another very significant issue during this time was that I did not share my struggle with others. In pride, I felt that I could not share my questions and doubts because people looked to me as a leader. I did not have confidence that God was more powerful than me! I honestly and truly thought that if I told anyone else what concerned me that they would turn away from their faith, and even if I wasn't sure if I believed it, I didn't want to hurt anyone else's walk with God.

One afternoon I finally broke down. I opened my Bible for the first time in months--just randomly--and it fell open to Psalm 42:

As the Deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for Thee, O God.
My soul thrists for God, for the living God; When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night, While they say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember, and I pour out my soul with in me. For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God; With the voice of joy and thanksgiving and a multitude keeping festival.
Whay are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.
O my God, my soul is in despair within me...
Deep calls to deep at the sound of Thy waterfalls;
All Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me.
The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; And his song will be with me in the night, A prayer to the God of my life.
I will say to God my rock, "Why hast Though forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?"
As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me, While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become distrubed within me? Hope in God for I SHALL YET PRAISE HIM, the help of my countenance, and my God.

Here is part of my journal entry from that day and a few days later:

• June 20, 2005 "Father-I've never felt spiritual turmoil and despair like I feel right now. I feel so far from you and I feel like I will never be close again. I feel so lonely and week. I just can't beleive that I could have fallen to this point, and yet I'm still prideful. I've willfully sinned and have belittled the importance of my relationship with you. Please forgive me! I cannot keep attempting to survive without leaning on you. In all of this I still know that you are working and that you have orchestrated this for a reason, and that you aren't going to stop until the job is done. I trust you with this no matter how hard it is, I know you are not giong to forsake me. Renew my passion fo ryou and your word. Continue to break me of my analytical tendencies and show me that I have a lot to learn."
• June 22 "Thank you that I can come to you 'Just as I am' in all of my pride or brokenness or sin--no matter what you always accept and forgive me. Please help me live a life of obedience to you, and for that to be my goal above knowledge. Remind me constantly that knowledge does not save or sanctify--my relationship with you must come first."
• June 23 "Thank you for reminding me that it was the initial desire for knowledge above desiring to know you that brought sin into the world, and for showin gme the necessity of humility in order to have a real relationship with you. I praise you so much for how you are working in this aspect of my life and I ask that you continue!"

The next semester God did more in my life and through the ministry I was involved in than ever before. I truly learned about vulnerability--something which I had never really taken part in before. I would keep my sins a secret and not share my struggles, but that changed, and with it I learned what it was like to have true fellowship. Now I sometimes get teased for over-sharing (which I may be doing in this post) but I feel like if God, through his grace, has brought me through something difficult, it cannot bring glory to him unless I in turn share it with others.

Almost exactly a year before my breakdown, a dear friend who is now fulfilling his calling as a pastor gave me some wise advice which I have tried to apply ever since "Live in your faith and visit your doubts rather than living in your doubts and visiting your faith." That semester I definitely lived (or rather, wallowed) in my doubts and occasionally visited my faith. I still struggle with consistency, and sometimes those doubts rear their ugly heads, but I cannot fail to see what God has done. Throughout the time when I was questioning, God was still working even when I refused to see it. I think that is what we struggle with so often b/c our little human minds can only focus on what is in front of us.

I don't know exactly why I felt so compelled to put this out in the blogiverse, but with reading that scripture and the similar situations in Ruth Graham's book I couldn't not share. I hope that this brings encouragement to those who read it, and know that whatever breaks you, God will bring you through it and provide comfort on the other side.

In closing, here is one of the praise songs that God really used to draw me closer to him during that time. I also LOVE "I will yet praise you" (psalm 42) by Y worship, but could not find a link to the song.