I realized another reason why nighttime just may be better for me to do this (on the weekends that is..) I really like to blog after my quiet times. I have always been kind of a "planner" when reading the Bible (which can be a problem) but I feel like I tune in to it more when I am planning to teach Bible studies or things like that. Since I am no longer leading study groups, I want to blog about it afterwords when everything is fresh on my mind--kinda like a spiritual journal/online Bible study. Well, I cannot do all the reading and praying that I want to and still blog all before going to work, so I think I will stick to nighttimes except on the weekends.
Tonight I read Psalm 40 and then a section in Ruth Graham's book from the chapter "Know His Comfort"--specifically talking about "coming undone" (which I will talk about more in 2 days with Psalm 42 and give you my personal story of being broken) and also of letting down our walls--the walls that we often erect in order to protect ourselves from feeling pain. She details the death of her mother (Billy Graham's wife) and, as my granny passed away over the summer, the whole process felt very fresh to me and brought me to tears. I was already missing her tonight...I read a story in a magazine about a young girl who did not make the time for her grandmother and then her grandmother passed away and how she regretted it. Something about that story made me remember the feeling of being in Granny's lap and feeling her cheek against mine--she had such soft skin but with a texture almost like crepe paper. I never want to forget that feeling. My granny left quite a legacy. She was very poor--married to an alcoholic (literally, the town drunk), lived off of welfare, never learned how to drive, just a hard hard life. When my "Pappy" passed away in the early 1990s it's like her life began again. She moved into a retirement home where she was the head of the "widowed persons" group--made so many friends (and they all lived together so she didn't have to worry about being isolated b/c she couldn't drive!). My dad always talked about how she persevered through the hard times and how God was rewarding her later in life. She loved the Lord so much. While she lived with my parents in her last months, my dad would read scriptures to her everynight. She raised a man with a passion for God and literally thousands of people have been reached for Christ through them. I try not to get upset or dwell on painful things too often, but Ruth Graham's book was talking about the necessity of "leaning into the pain", feeling it and knowing that God is there and will bring comfort to us. She also talks about how we try to put walls up to "protect" ourselves from this process that is God-given and often part of His plan to bring us closer to Him: "the more we work at holding ourselves together without turning to God, the higher we build up our walls. In the process we not only wall ourselves in, but we wall God out." (p. 60). I do this way too much and just wanted to share that. Going hand in hand with this, Psalm 40: 1-3:
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire. he set my feet on a rock and gave me afirm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."
I believe that this is so true in my Granny's life and I pray that it will be true in mine as well. May I always lean on Him and trust Him and not try to get through it all on my own strength (which we all know is non-existent!)
Are there things in your life that you are trying to wall God out of? How about a person who has been an example of this scripture passage?
*sorry if this isn't the best phrasing/wording...I'm kinda in a rush to type it all before going to sleep
There is so much uncertainty in Chris and my life right now, I keep trying to deal with it through planning all the possible outcomes and it is exhausting me, and keeping me hostage through fear. Why is it that our first impulse is to run from God and trust in our own, as you said nonexistent, strength. For me I know it often comes down to pride,and fear... both of which are hard to admit. I think I can handle it better than God, and I am afraid He will ask me to do something hard, like moving forward without knowing what all will happen, like trusting Him, like being broken and dependent. In my mind I know that He always has and always will provide for me, but it is so hard to convince my heart of that fact! Thanks for being vulnerable, it allows me to do the same and face up to some things the Lord is trying to teach me.
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