I've been doing a new thing in my quiet times, an amazingly godly woman who is the mother of some of my favorite students/friends pointed me to this over the summer. It's a list of different attributes of God and she encouraged me to pick an attribute, get a Bible with a cross reference and read the verse listed, as well as any verses that it referenced and allow the Lord to remind me of who He is and to pray in thankfulness over what He reveals. She does it as part of "fret-free Fridays", learning to pray in gratitude and thankfulness over what God has done/is promising to do instead of in anxiety and worry. I am doing it every day and just going through the list systematically b/c that is how my brain works well, but learning to focus on who God is instead of just looking at my times with the Lord as "self-help" or all about me has really transformed my walk with Him. Instead of focusing on the how-to's, I am focusing on who He is and the fact that I can trust Him because of His character. Really awesome stuff.
So yesterday the attribute for me to focus on was "Defense" and as I was praying, I was honestly kind of angry and disappointed in the Lord. There is an issue in my life that has been really hard for some time, and instead of delivering me from it or helping me deal with it, I feel like the Lord is allowing it to get harder and harder. Not going into details, but I have been feeling like He is not hearing my prayers or giving priority to them. So as I prayed yesterday I confessed my feelings and asked the Lord why He was not responding in the way that I wish.
Then...
Today the word was "Deliverer." I kind of chuckled as I looked at my list, thinking "Oh, haha, clearly God just needed me to be patient for another day and now He will remind me of how He is my deliverer, even if this situation doesn't change." So I read. The first verse was Psalm 40:17
Since I am afflicted and needy,
[a]Let the Lord be mindful of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
Do not delay, O my God.
I thought, "yeah, that sounds about right. Now let me learn about How God is my deliverer..."
So I looked at the next verse:
Psalm 70:5
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
5
But I am afflicted and needy;
Hasten to me, O God!
You are my help and my deliverer;
O Lord, do not delay.
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
5
But I am afflicted and needy;
Hasten to me, O God!
You are my help and my deliverer;
O Lord, do not delay.
And the next:
Psalm 86:1
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
A Psalm of Supplication and Trust.
A Prayer of David.
86
Incline Your ear, O Lord, and answer me;
For I am afflicted and needy.
And the next:
Psalm 109:22
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
And I was getting really agitated because all of these things are just talking about me--begging for the Lord to listen and respond quickly because I am "afflicted and needy" and I want to hear how God will deliver me!!!! And there were only 2 more verses on my list:
Psalm 40:5
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
5
Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done,
And Your thoughts toward us;
There is none to compare with You.
If I would declare and speak of them,
They would be too numerous to count.
That one didn't make sense at all to me at first. And then the last verse on my list:
1 Peter 5:7
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
7 casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.
And then it hit me. Once again, I was looking to the Lord for the "quick fix", seeking the gift instead of the Giver. And He needed to remind me of who I am, and who He is.
I am afflicted and needy.
I just want Him to "fix" whatever is going on.
I don't trust Him when He doesn't do it in my timing.
But He cares.
Even though I didn't get to focus on the "deliverer" aspect of God (for whatever reason my Bible did not cross-reference that term at all for this attribute, but I can definitely study it at a later point), He knew that it was more important for me to see where I am and where He is instead of just focus on what I think I need.
I don't necessarily need to be "delivered." I need a God who cares about me and wants me to come to Him when I am afflicted and needy. When I am acting like a spoiled child who wants her Daddy to fix it and make it better. What I need is to trust Him. Trust His timing. Trust His plan. Because He cares. His wonders and thoughts towards us are too numerous to count. The times that He has delivered His people are overwhelming. And He will do what is right in the right time. Because He cares. But in the meantime, I just need to run to Him and pour out my heart and to TRUST.
17
