my little heart (and eyes...and nose) are very full tonight.  i am overwhelmed.  i am uncertain.  most of all, i am drained...  this winter has been very difficult for me when it comes to my health, and i just don't know how much longer i can go on the way that i have been.  i need prayer please!  i won't go into everything here on this public blog, but i am going to write a few of my dear friends with details and if you would like to be included just comment with your email--i consider all of my readers here that i am aware of to be dear friends...i just never know who may wander over here from my profile...  just please pray for me and hubs to have wisdom as to what we need to do for me to be able to go on and to thrive again. 

Ten in 10 update

I realized I haven't posted about the Ten in 10 challenge in a while so I wanted to give an update on that...though I think it's almost over?? I'm not good at counting weeks..

Well, basically I have not done too great. I feel that I was struck by some amazing miracle at the end of last week and my stomach just was not so hungry! I was shocked! I got full really easily and made mostly good choices. I weighed in yesterday and was back to a few ounces within the lowest that I was this year after a bit of a setback while I was sick, so I was pleased to see that!

However, I did not exercise AT ALL last week due to...being sick again! (what else?) Sinus infection this time. And we ate horribly all weekend. Seriously, had some kind of take-out every single night of the weekend. So I've got to get back into the good eating habits. I feel like I'm just on a seesaw--I don't care at all and blow everything and then I get really worried about it and do well for a few days. blah. I don't really know how to break out of this? Any good suggestions? I am just not the willpower queen. And I don't want to give up my baking!

Thankfully, my feet have been feeling much better lately, so at least exercising is an option again!

I guess that's it for now. Wish me luck at doing better!

on faith

Read this in my QT last night and thought it went so well w/everything I wrote about in my last post...

"Christianity is lived more in the valley than on the mountaintop, faith is never doubt-free, and although God has revealed Himself in creation and in history, the surest way to know God is, in the words of Thomas Aquinas, as tamquam ignotum, as utterly unknowable. No thought can contain Him, no word can express Him; He is beyond anything we can intellectualize or imagine."
Abba's Child, Brennan Manning, p. 98

I really feel that God has provided us with enough historical support to validate the basis of our faith, but it is still just that...faith. I struggle with this some still b/c I want to see the PROOF and some things just cannot be scientifically or historically proven! Faith in essence is scary because we are trusting something that we cannot ever know for sure. And it's too bad that we fail to discuss this and allow for the reality that we will have times of doubt and questioning and wondering. But like any other relationship, if you are not learning new things--often scary things--and growing in intimacy--which in essence requires a leap of faith, your relationship with the Lord is not really a relationship. It becomes stagnant.

But every time that we step out in faith God is there to catch us. Talking to a dear friend tonight I was reminded of that. When we decide to trust God with whatever is going on He is always there--maybe not how we pictured, but He is there.

Right now I'm trying to trust Him with my health and its implications for the future. I already know that my future is not going to look the way I had planned, and I grapple with that every day. I honestly feel like something is wrong with me b/c I'm not desperately desiring what I had planned for (specifically having children in the immediate future) but I have to see that as God's provision. He is guarding my heart and mind for whatever He has planned in His timing.

5 o'clock club: advice please!

Okay, I am struggling here. I am very clearly in the midst of a flare up with my CFS/fibro/broken body, but I don't know what to do about this challenge. I got up early yesterday, did my devotions but could barely keep my eyes open and therefore did not really remember anything that I studied, and promptly got back in bed and slept till one. Today was worse. I got up at six, feeling horrible. Came out and read my bible and a few devotions, again exhausted, barely kept my eyes open and did not comprehend anything that I read. I took my shower and started to get ready for work but again was feeling so horrible that I called in and got back in bed. I did not wake up until 2:45!!! and that was only b/c hubs called me with a question! I had a dream at 9 in the morning (i woke up when myu work called me) that I slept till 4, and I really think I would have! I don't know what to do about this. I want to be dedicated and do my devotions in the morning, but clearly until I recover from this flare up I'm going to be useless. Hubs says it's a bad idea and I just need to go to our room at 9 and do my quiet times then which would give me an hour. I think getting up earlier than normal works great on the weekends--I can devote a lot of time to it and get up at an hour that I still function, but I just don't know if it is feasible for me now. Help! What do you think I should do??

Ten in 10 week 4

Um...I was sick a lot this week so that wasn't great...and then I baked a LOT over the weekend while we were snowed in. No gain this week, but no loss either.

I've realized that I have been bad about finding "special" reasons to not stick w/my healthy goals: snow days, time w/friends, being sick, lunch catered at work...well, i CANNOT stick w/this pattern b/c I am not making any progress!

Thankfully I my feet have been feeling a little better this week and I actually exercised 3 days this week and was able to do cardio and strength training. I just need to get better at making this more of a pattern--hopefully the feetses will stay healthy enough to make this a pattern!

Well, it's another month and I'm ready to make some more headway in this.