helpless

I am drained.  emotionally.  physically.  exhausted.  continuously bursting into tears--i know that the things that are making me cry are real things, but they shouldn't be affecting me the way that they are.  I'm tempted to break into the Prozac that I went off of several months ago just to get through this week, but I know that in reality I need to rest in the Lord, turn these things over to Him, and trust that He is in control.  I'm not depressed--I'm just weary. 

I try to do everything on my own strength, and the reality is that I don't have much strength compared to a normal person, much less compared to my Lord & Savior!  So why is it so hard to trust in Him to take care of the things that concern me?? 

I'm going through one of my favorite devotional books with the girls that I disciple--it's Abide in Christ by Andrew Murray.  The book basically goes through what it means to truly abide in Christ from John 15:1-12.  My favorite verses from this passage are verses 4 & 5:

4 Abide in me, and I in you.  As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.  5  I am the vine; you are the branches.  Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 

 I think it's one of those sayings that we hear a lot and don't quite grasp the meaning, but it's right in the text.  The vine & the branches are, in essence, one plant.  But each have roles--each branch springs from the vine.  The branches find their source of life, nourishment, and support only by being completely attached to the vine.  It is from this source that the branch gains the necessary components to flourish, grow, and bear fruit.  No matter how fruitful a branch may be, if it is cut off from the vine it will wither and it and it's fruit will die.  In the same way, if the branch is not there, the vine will not produce fruit. 

In the past week or so I have allowed the craziness of life to separate me from my vine.  It's ridiculous really how quickly that separation can come about.  I've let me time with the Lord which had been so life-giving sit on the back-burner.  It's not that I have completely lost touch w/my faith in a week, but I've learned that if I don't seek the Lord CONTINUALLY I try to rely on my strength--I am a cut off branch, lying on the ground, trying to bear fruit that is only dying.  And I'm out of strength.  There is no more life in this branch to draw from b/c as a cut off branch, that nourishment and sustenance that may remain from my time attached to the vine will be used up quickly--and once it's gone there is nothing left.  Thankfully we have a gracious God who allows us to reattach.  I just hope I will learn once and for all not to detach again!

So now I am turning these things over to the Lord, and turning back to Him.  I can't do it on my own, and I sure don't want that pressure!  Praise the Lord for giving us the strength to sustain us.

In other news, I got so behind on my 90 day challenge last week that catching up before the month is over will probably not happen :(  BUT it has still been an amazingly worthwhile exercise and reading the Bible in 100 days still feels like quite an accomplishment!