stage of life stuff

I feel like my mind is constantly absorbed with thoughts about kids lately--not in the "baby fever" way but more in the pondering of why I don't feel that need/desire and all the complications that come with it.  This has honestly been a hard season of life for me.  On one hand, the Lord has provided me with the amazing opportunity to devote my life to vocational ministry which I absolutely adore with every ounce of my being.  Then on the other, I feel this tremendous pressure to move on to the "next stage" and start a family.  But that is all that it is--social pressure.  Not even comments directed at me, yet for some reason I am taking all things related to children very personally. 

I have wondered if that is a type of conviction from the Lord that we need to step out in faith in this way, but at the same time I've been praying for His direction and know that I am being called to at least one more year of college ministry.  I guess for some reason I just feel the need to defend my calling because it is different right now.  I feel like the motherhood role is so highly revered and aspired to by Christian women--and it is honestly all that it was all I ever wanted growing up--so even though the Lord has been telling me to serve Him in this ministry role I feel like it doesn't count.  I know that He has guarded my heart from the "baby fever" up through this point due to my health issues and now due to my call to serve Him by ministering to college students.  I am praying and trusting that when it is time, He will fully give me that desire, and not just for a few days but a consistent deep longing in my heart to have a child.  I just feel like there is something wrong with me for not having that!

It is especially hard right now with the adoption push that I am seeing in the people around me.  And please don't misunderstand my heart--adoption is an amazing and biblical process that I have always loved.  But I feel like there is pressure right now.  Like believers are being told that if they don't pursue adoption then they aren't fully understanding or partaking in the gospel.  So even though no one has said anything to me I feel like I'm being judged as selfish for being married for 5 years but not starting a family.  And it drives me crazy that I am letting these imagined judgements distract me from the fact that I am serving the Lord in ministry exactly where He called me!  (Again, a lot of my friends are pursuing adoption or have been blessed through it--I am not questioning anyone's heart or saying you were pressured, that is just something that I feel and I have had other friends express the same feeling)

Last year when I was pondering on these issues, I was in a place of fear.  While I still have what I think is a healthy fear of the reality of starting a family, at this point in time I feel that if we were to get pregnant we would be more excited than scared, but we just feel the calling to continue serving where we are.  I guess this is just a part of the spiritual warfare that comes from serving the Lord.  As believers who are seeking to walk according to the Lord's will it would be foolish to think that Satan would not try to distract us by causing us to second-guess where the Lord has us. 

Another big issue I'm struggling with in relation to all of this is the lack of friends in my stage of life.  The reality is that relationships change when kids enter the picture.  Not necessarily always in a bad way, but it is undeniably different.  I think that is part of why I enjoy the college students so much--we can relate deeply on many of the same levels.  This is another stupid insecurity, but when relating to women with children I just feel like whatever I'm dealing with is inconsequential.  That since I don't understand what it is to be responsible for another life, my problems don't count.  (To clarify, this change hasn't negatively affected my closest relationships, but  it does change many of them).  The Lord has been revealing a prideful problem in my heart when it comes to this issue, and showing me that I need to open my heart to people in different life stages--not just those who "understand," but it's still hard.  Ironically, since my post last July almost all of the commenters have either had babies or are currently pregnant.  I very selfishly feel that my friends are getting snatched away from me, one-by-one.  I know that is a stupid way to think.  Friendships don't end just because life changes or they aren't true friendships in the first place!  But the Lord is also teaching me about my need to depend more deeply on Him rather than people.  He is the only constant!

I don't really know the purpose of this post...this is just what has been on my heart lately.  Please pray that the Lord will either give us continued peace about where we are or completely change both mine & Patrick's (we are both in agreement about needing to continue to wait at this point) hearts by giving us a desire to start a family, depending on what His will is.   As of now, we are confident that God has called me to another year of ministry with CRU--at this point as the only active female staff member on our team at WKU.  I will update soon on the end of the semester as well--the last several weeks have been so fruitful and joyous!  Sometimes it is just so hard for me to focus on where God has called me in this moment instead of looking always to the next step.

on faith

Read this in my QT last night and thought it went so well w/everything I wrote about in my last post...

"Christianity is lived more in the valley than on the mountaintop, faith is never doubt-free, and although God has revealed Himself in creation and in history, the surest way to know God is, in the words of Thomas Aquinas, as tamquam ignotum, as utterly unknowable. No thought can contain Him, no word can express Him; He is beyond anything we can intellectualize or imagine."
Abba's Child, Brennan Manning, p. 98

I really feel that God has provided us with enough historical support to validate the basis of our faith, but it is still just that...faith. I struggle with this some still b/c I want to see the PROOF and some things just cannot be scientifically or historically proven! Faith in essence is scary because we are trusting something that we cannot ever know for sure. And it's too bad that we fail to discuss this and allow for the reality that we will have times of doubt and questioning and wondering. But like any other relationship, if you are not learning new things--often scary things--and growing in intimacy--which in essence requires a leap of faith, your relationship with the Lord is not really a relationship. It becomes stagnant.

But every time that we step out in faith God is there to catch us. Talking to a dear friend tonight I was reminded of that. When we decide to trust God with whatever is going on He is always there--maybe not how we pictured, but He is there.

Right now I'm trying to trust Him with my health and its implications for the future. I already know that my future is not going to look the way I had planned, and I grapple with that every day. I honestly feel like something is wrong with me b/c I'm not desperately desiring what I had planned for (specifically having children in the immediate future) but I have to see that as God's provision. He is guarding my heart and mind for whatever He has planned in His timing.