What am I Praying for?

"We look upon prayer as a means of getting things for ourselves, but the biblical purpose of prayer is that we may get to know God Himself." ~Oswald Chambers

 Now, the Bible definitely does support prayers of  supplication & intercession, but this quote really struck me because it shows the screwed up priorities that we (I) have.  We could be really spending time with the Lord and knowing His character and asking Him to do His will in our lives, but instead we focus our prayers on what we want in this life, in our relationships, in our work. 

I have been praying for God to use me in ministry this year and for fruitful relationships w/the girls I will be in contact with, as well as some personal intercessions.  But I have not been praying for God to reveal His character & His will to me.  It has all been about my comfort, my effectiveness, my ministry even.  When none of this is mine at all. 

I struggle so much with leaning on what I think I can do.  Not what I can do b/c we all know that without the Lord we are nothing.  But in my little mind I forget that and secretly want all the attention on myself.  I am praying once again for the Lord to break me.  That is the scariest prayer I ever pray and always brings memories of the last time He really did that, but I know it is necessary. 

Please pray for my heart as I begin this new season of ministry!  I have new ladies to lead & disciple, a new (and in my opinion very challenging) book of the Bible to lead on, and the reality is that I can't do it and I need to stop pretending that I can!

I pray that the Lord will reveal HIMSELF.  not me.

God alone

Lately I've been kind of a brat.  In a lot of different ways really, but recently I've especially been one about friends.

You see, I live in a college town, and have lived here since I was two years old.  But for some reason this town seems to be a very transitional place for most people.  I meet people in high school or college, or while serving them while they are involved w/CRU while in college.  I form these super-close friendships...and then they move away.  An awful lot of them seem to move to the same cities as others (Nashville or Louisville areas especially) but just away from me.  And I've been very cranky about it.  Making snide comments to friends who are moving instead of being fully supportive or sometimes just shutting down.  It's hard.  I miss my closest friends--none of my "best" friends even live in the same state and it gets hard to fully invest in relationships b/c I get this idea that they are just going to move away in a year or so anyway so why bother. Of course, there are plenty of people that do stay here but I just haven't taken the time to fully invest.

Well, today I was catching up on My Utmost for His Highest devotional and, once again, God smacked me in the face with a truth that I have just been to whiny to see.

"Over & over again God has to remove our friends to put Himself in their place, and that is when we falter, fail, and become discouraged.... Your priorities must be God first, God second, and God third until your life is continually face to face with God and no one else is taken into account."

 Now, I don't believe that this means that we should ignore Christian community or serving others (obviously that is unbiblical) but just that we should not rely on others more than we do the Lord.  And that is exactly what I have been doing.  I sit here and fuss and throw pity parties b/c "everyone is leaving me" while blatantly ignoring the only One who never will.  Ouch.

Lord, please draw me closer to You and teach me to view my human relationships as a gift from You, not as what sustains me.

stage of life stuff

I feel like my mind is constantly absorbed with thoughts about kids lately--not in the "baby fever" way but more in the pondering of why I don't feel that need/desire and all the complications that come with it.  This has honestly been a hard season of life for me.  On one hand, the Lord has provided me with the amazing opportunity to devote my life to vocational ministry which I absolutely adore with every ounce of my being.  Then on the other, I feel this tremendous pressure to move on to the "next stage" and start a family.  But that is all that it is--social pressure.  Not even comments directed at me, yet for some reason I am taking all things related to children very personally. 

I have wondered if that is a type of conviction from the Lord that we need to step out in faith in this way, but at the same time I've been praying for His direction and know that I am being called to at least one more year of college ministry.  I guess for some reason I just feel the need to defend my calling because it is different right now.  I feel like the motherhood role is so highly revered and aspired to by Christian women--and it is honestly all that it was all I ever wanted growing up--so even though the Lord has been telling me to serve Him in this ministry role I feel like it doesn't count.  I know that He has guarded my heart from the "baby fever" up through this point due to my health issues and now due to my call to serve Him by ministering to college students.  I am praying and trusting that when it is time, He will fully give me that desire, and not just for a few days but a consistent deep longing in my heart to have a child.  I just feel like there is something wrong with me for not having that!

It is especially hard right now with the adoption push that I am seeing in the people around me.  And please don't misunderstand my heart--adoption is an amazing and biblical process that I have always loved.  But I feel like there is pressure right now.  Like believers are being told that if they don't pursue adoption then they aren't fully understanding or partaking in the gospel.  So even though no one has said anything to me I feel like I'm being judged as selfish for being married for 5 years but not starting a family.  And it drives me crazy that I am letting these imagined judgements distract me from the fact that I am serving the Lord in ministry exactly where He called me!  (Again, a lot of my friends are pursuing adoption or have been blessed through it--I am not questioning anyone's heart or saying you were pressured, that is just something that I feel and I have had other friends express the same feeling)

Last year when I was pondering on these issues, I was in a place of fear.  While I still have what I think is a healthy fear of the reality of starting a family, at this point in time I feel that if we were to get pregnant we would be more excited than scared, but we just feel the calling to continue serving where we are.  I guess this is just a part of the spiritual warfare that comes from serving the Lord.  As believers who are seeking to walk according to the Lord's will it would be foolish to think that Satan would not try to distract us by causing us to second-guess where the Lord has us. 

Another big issue I'm struggling with in relation to all of this is the lack of friends in my stage of life.  The reality is that relationships change when kids enter the picture.  Not necessarily always in a bad way, but it is undeniably different.  I think that is part of why I enjoy the college students so much--we can relate deeply on many of the same levels.  This is another stupid insecurity, but when relating to women with children I just feel like whatever I'm dealing with is inconsequential.  That since I don't understand what it is to be responsible for another life, my problems don't count.  (To clarify, this change hasn't negatively affected my closest relationships, but  it does change many of them).  The Lord has been revealing a prideful problem in my heart when it comes to this issue, and showing me that I need to open my heart to people in different life stages--not just those who "understand," but it's still hard.  Ironically, since my post last July almost all of the commenters have either had babies or are currently pregnant.  I very selfishly feel that my friends are getting snatched away from me, one-by-one.  I know that is a stupid way to think.  Friendships don't end just because life changes or they aren't true friendships in the first place!  But the Lord is also teaching me about my need to depend more deeply on Him rather than people.  He is the only constant!

I don't really know the purpose of this post...this is just what has been on my heart lately.  Please pray that the Lord will either give us continued peace about where we are or completely change both mine & Patrick's (we are both in agreement about needing to continue to wait at this point) hearts by giving us a desire to start a family, depending on what His will is.   As of now, we are confident that God has called me to another year of ministry with CRU--at this point as the only active female staff member on our team at WKU.  I will update soon on the end of the semester as well--the last several weeks have been so fruitful and joyous!  Sometimes it is just so hard for me to focus on where God has called me in this moment instead of looking always to the next step.

On being needed

I think I have posted about this before, but, in my pride, I really struggle with wanting my advice, presence, comfort, whatever...to be needed by those I am ministering to.  I love pouring into the lives and hearts of those I lead in Bible study and disciple, and I just want it so much.  In fact, even as I'm typing this I'm realizing that I feel the need to be needed.  Not just that I want to serve selflessly, but I want to serve so that I will feel the joy of having people pour their hearts out to me and come to me for advice--I need this rather than needing Christ.  But that is not at all what we're called to do, and in reality what I am doing here is confessing a major sin in my life.  (God has been revealing so much sin to me lately.  Honestly, it is very difficult and somewhat discouraging to constantly be reminded that I am doing things out of pride and selfishness rather than truly out of heart for Him.)

This all came up this afternoon when I was reading Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest. The devotion for today is "Decreasing for His Purpose" and is focusing on John 3:30:

"He must increase, but I must decrease"

 And the reality is that I want to increase!  I want to increase my influence.  The lives that I touch.  The people who feel the need to call me or make an appointment with me when something big is going on in their lives.  I wish I could say that when those things happen I automatically point them straight to the Lord, but I all to often just try to come up with some good advice, and maybe a Christian catchphrase. As I think about this issue, I can't help but imagine the future reality if we have kids--if I can't encourage the independent growth of the students I lead for a short time, how much more will I want my future children to depend on me for everything!

The devotion stared with the sentence:

"If you become a necessity to someone else's life, you are out of God's will"

 Ouch.   It stings so much to realize that I am desiring something that is out of the Lord's will.  Please pray for me as I am dealing with this reality...that the Lord will purify my heart that I only point people to Him and encourage their dependence on Him and independence from people.  That I love Him & His cause more than I love those that I serve.  And that I become so rooted to the cross that I can see nothing else.  I want to honestly feel that "He must increase, but I must decrease."