Afflicted and Needy

It has been almost 2 years since I've posted over here...DANG!  Life has been great, ministry has been a joy, the Lord is teaching me so very much but I just don't have time to write much!  However, something happened today that I just wanted to post about.

I've been doing  a new thing in my quiet times, an amazingly godly woman who is the mother of some of my favorite students/friends pointed me to this over the summer.  It's a list of different attributes of God and she encouraged me to pick an attribute, get a Bible with a cross reference and read the verse listed, as well as any verses that it referenced and allow the Lord to remind me of who He is and to pray in thankfulness over what He reveals.  She does it as part of "fret-free Fridays", learning to pray in gratitude and thankfulness over what God has done/is promising to do instead of in anxiety and worry.  I am doing it every day and just going through the list systematically b/c that is how my brain works well, but learning to focus on who God is instead of just looking at my times with the Lord as "self-help" or all about me has really transformed my walk with Him.  Instead of focusing on the how-to's, I am focusing on who He is and the fact that I can trust Him because of His character.  Really awesome stuff.

So yesterday the attribute for me to focus on was "Defense" and as I was praying, I was honestly kind of angry and disappointed in the Lord.  There is an issue in my life that has been really hard for some time, and instead of delivering me from it or helping me deal with it, I feel like the Lord is allowing it to get harder and harder.  Not going into details, but I have been feeling like He is not hearing my prayers or giving priority to them. So as I prayed yesterday I confessed my feelings and asked the Lord why He was not responding in the way that I wish.

Then...

Today the word was "Deliverer."  I kind of chuckled as I looked at my list, thinking "Oh, haha, clearly God just needed me to be patient for another day and now He will remind me of how He is my deliverer, even if this situation doesn't change."  So I read.  The first verse was Psalm 40:17

Since I am afflicted and needy,

[a]Let the Lord be mindful of me.

You are my help and my deliverer;

Do not delay, O my God.

I thought, "yeah, that sounds about right.  Now let me learn about How God is my deliverer..."

So I looked at the next verse:

Psalm 70:5

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

5 

But I am afflicted and needy;

Hasten to me, O God!

You are my help and my deliverer;

O Lord, do not delay.

And the next: 

Psalm 86:1

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

A Psalm of Supplication and Trust.

A Prayer of David.

86 

Incline Your ear, O Lord, and answer me;

For I am afflicted and needy.

And the next:

Psalm 109:22

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

22 

For I am afflicted and needy,

And [a]my heart is wounded within me.

And I was getting really agitated because all of these things are just talking about me--begging for the Lord to listen and respond quickly because I am "afflicted and needy" and I want to hear how God will deliver me!!!!  And there were only 2 more verses on my list:

Psalm 40:5

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

5 

Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done,

And Your thoughts toward us;

There is none to compare with You.

If I would declare and speak of them,

They would be too numerous to count.

That one didn't make sense at all to me at first. And then the last verse on my list:

1 Peter 5:7

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

7 casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

And then it hit me.  Once again, I was looking to the Lord for the "quick fix", seeking the gift instead of the Giver. And He needed to remind me of who I am, and who He is.  

I am afflicted and needy.  

I just want Him to "fix" whatever is going on.  

I don't trust Him when He doesn't do it in my timing.  

But He cares.

Even though I didn't get to focus on the "deliverer" aspect of God (for whatever reason my Bible did not cross-reference that term at all for this attribute, but I can definitely study it at a later point), He knew that it was more important for me to see where I am and where He is instead of just focus on what I think I need.

I don't necessarily need to be "delivered."  I need a God who cares about me and wants me to come to Him when I am afflicted and needy.  When I am acting like a spoiled child who wants her Daddy to fix it and make it better.  What I need is to trust Him.  Trust His timing.  Trust His plan.  Because He cares.  His wonders and thoughts towards us are too numerous to count.  The times that He has delivered His people are overwhelming.  And He will do what is right in the right time.  Because He cares.   But in the meantime, I just need to run to Him and pour out my heart and to TRUST.

17 

I John 2:1-14 study questions & break down

Here are my notes/study questions on the first half of I John 2.  I was honestly so anxious about teaching on this book but I feel like the Lord is really teaching me and my girls a lot!  Hope this can be a useful resource!

I John chapter 2

2: 1-6

1.  Gives second stated purpose of book.  What is it? (remember this as we discuss proscriptions in remainder of book)

                -Why is 2^nd part of v. 1 significant?

                -What does an advocate do?  So in that role, what is Christ doing for us?

                -Why do you think it is significant to describe Christ as righteous?

2.  What does propitiation mean?

-hilasmos: reconciliation (through Christ) => “a sacrifice that bears God’s wrath & turns it to favor”

-What does it mean when it says that Christ is the propitiation for the whole world?

-Does this mean that all world’s sins are forgiven now?  Why/not? (give scripture references if possible.  Also see vs. 9-10 of chapter 1 & look for this as we go on in passage).

3-6.  How do these verses play out practically in your lives when you still sin or fail?

                *remember 1:8: perfection is impossible! And also 2:1—purpose of writing is that we will not sin

4.  How does knowing God lead to a desire to keep His commands?  (illustrate relationships: friend,

dating, or marriage—as we get to know the other person we desire to do or not do what they prefer in order to have a harmonious relationship)

5.  “perfected” here can be translated as “made complete”

                -it does not say “our love for Him is made perfect” but “the love of God is made perfect”:

                How does our keeping His commandments reflect back on God’s love, not our abilities?

6.  Again, illustration of walking is used.  How did Jesus “walk” and how can we mirror that?

- How is it possible for us to do anything like Christ?

-What does “abiding in Him” have to do with walking like Him?

Purposes: How does this section inspire joy in you?

                -How does it encourage you not to sin?

2: 7-11

v.7  He uses the term “beloved” to start this and started 2:1 w/”my little children”

-why do you think he uses these terms of endearment, & how do they affect your reading of this

passage?

-What command is her referring to here?  see Lev. 19:18, Deut. 6:5, Mt 22:34-40

-Why would it be important to John’s readers that this commandment isn’t brand new?

v. 8  How is this “old commandment also new?  see Jn 13:34-35

                -Can you think of ways that Jesus made old commands new?  (mt. 5:21-48 “but I say…” stmts)

                -How has he made this one new? Jn 13:34-35

                -How is this command made new in us? Jn 15:12-13

(command is new b/c previously we heard about it but now we experience it?) –maybe?

-How does the “true light shining” relate to this command which has been made new?

darkness: skotia: associated w/unhappiness; consequences of sin

shining: phaino:”indicates how a matter phenomenally shows & presents itself w/no necessary assumption of any beholder at all”; cannot be a figment of the imagination but must have a reality behind it

light: phos: never kindled or quenched

-According to this, as believers, how do we reflect the true light?

                -a definite action/substance must be behind it!

-How does darkness pass away?

                -literally by light being introduced…here can refer to darkness before Christ

               

9. What does it mean to hate?  How do we show hate to others?

-How is hate evidence of darkness?

10.  love: agapeo:   (Who can define this?)

-term only used in religious contexts.  Indicates direction of the will & finding joy in something.  compassionate/benevolent love; wanting the best for a person

-How is love for others a sign of light in us?

-What does it mean when it says “no cause for stumbling in him?

-How does light prevent us f/m stumbling?  (Jn. 11:9-10)

v. 11 Restating of other vs. w/conclusion

                -What are the 3 characteristics/progression of one who hates?

                                -in the darkness

                                -walking in darkness

                                -blinded by darkness so without direction

-Have you ever been blinded by hate?

-How does hate or lack of love affect our relationship w/God & other believers?

-Practically, how do we overcome hate and have a loving attitude towards others?

-How do love & obedience go together?

-How does this passage promote joy?  How does it inspire you not to sin?

2: 12-14

This section breaks down 3 groups and a new stated purpose of why John has written/is writing them.    (see diagram for breakdown)

There are different views on the 3 groups but agreement that they are based on maturity in Christ. 

-Some say that “little children” sections apply to all believers based on contextual use in 2:1, others see little children as being brand new believers.  Regardless, “fathers” and “young men” are used to refer to most mature in Christ, and younger believers, respectively.

John also changes the tense of his “writing” terms in vs. 13.  Previous verses used present tense while latter verses use aorist.  Speculation includes that the aorist tense (have written/write) refers to a previous work vs. current (i.e., previous work being gospel of John) while others believe it refers to what was previous part of this letter vs. what he is going to write next. 

Questions:

What do you think the different terms refer to—3 different groups or two and one general reference to all Christians.  Why?

Why do you think that each purpose is significant to the group that is mentioned?

v. 12.  Why is it significant that our sins are forgiven for the sake of His name?  How does this tie in w/what we previously learned in 1:9

-How is the fathers’ reminder of knowing “Him who is from the beginning” different than the reminder to the children that they know the Father?   (see john 1:1-5 & 14:6-7 for more on john’s view of the Father & Son.)

  -Why would it be important to those who had been believers longer to be reminded that He is “from the beginning”, while “little children” just need to be reminded that they know the Father?

-Do you think the “Father” and “Him who is from the beginning” both refer to God the Father or that one refers to Christ?

-The “young men” are given very action-based/empowering assurances.  Why do you think those are important for those who are in that faith stage?  (Eph. 6:11-13)

-How are believers able to be strong? (Eph. 6:10-11)

-What does it mean for the word of God to abide in us?  John 5:36-38; John 14:15-20,25-26; Eph 2:16, 6:17-18

-How can John say that the young men have overcome the evil one already?  John 16:32-33, I John 4:4, 5:4

-Which of these assurances is most comforting or inspiring for you?

Going to our purposes—How does this section bring you joy?  How does it challenge you not to sin?

I John 1 study questions

I have intended to do this since starting ministry, but I am starting now!  Whenever I lead a Bible study I write out questions/a "lesson plan" and have wanted to post those online for my own record and also so that those of you who financially or prayerfully support my ministry w/CRU can follow along w/what we are going through.  I have been lazy about actually typing them up.  Then recently while hanging out w/some former Bible study girls they mentioned that I had taught I John w/their group!  I had completely forgotten that, and decided then to start compiling my notes so that I would not forgot what I had learned/taught in the past.

This year in CRU all of our Bible studies are going through I John.  It is a difficult book--not a real "outline" to follow and it deals with some hard things.  But if you want to follow along, here are my notes on chapter 1.  I will post about this every time we finish a chapter, which should be at least once a month. 

Thank you for your prayers for this ministry!

I John 1:1-10

1-4: Prologue

-What kinds of words do you see repeated in this section & what does that repetition communicate?

(“we have…action verbs”, “proclaim”, “made manifest”, “life” fellowship”)

-what is the stated purpose of the letter in this section?

                Keep this I mind as we read—how does I John promote joy? Is joy your response?

5.  darkness: Gk is skotos (symbolizing sin) or skotia (consequences of sin) depending on manuscripts

                -do you think this refers to sin or the consequences of sin contextually?

     Light: gk is phos=never kindled or quenched.

    -What do these descriptors tell us about God & His character?

6-7: 2 walks w/different consequences & reflections.  What are they?

-Why do you think vs. 6 mentions fellowship w/God but v. 7 mentions fellowship w/other believers?

-What does it practically look like to walk in darkness or light f/m your personal experience?

8-10: steps to communion w/God

8.  Key verse to remember as we do the rest of the book! 

                -how do you see this verse true in your lives?

9.  what does it mean practically to confess your sins?  (aka, what does it include/not include?)

10.Why do you think saying “we have no sin” warrants such a harsh response?

Reflection: How does this chapter promote joy in you and how can you practically apply them in your life?

What am I Praying for?

"We look upon prayer as a means of getting things for ourselves, but the biblical purpose of prayer is that we may get to know God Himself." ~Oswald Chambers

 Now, the Bible definitely does support prayers of  supplication & intercession, but this quote really struck me because it shows the screwed up priorities that we (I) have.  We could be really spending time with the Lord and knowing His character and asking Him to do His will in our lives, but instead we focus our prayers on what we want in this life, in our relationships, in our work. 

I have been praying for God to use me in ministry this year and for fruitful relationships w/the girls I will be in contact with, as well as some personal intercessions.  But I have not been praying for God to reveal His character & His will to me.  It has all been about my comfort, my effectiveness, my ministry even.  When none of this is mine at all. 

I struggle so much with leaning on what I think I can do.  Not what I can do b/c we all know that without the Lord we are nothing.  But in my little mind I forget that and secretly want all the attention on myself.  I am praying once again for the Lord to break me.  That is the scariest prayer I ever pray and always brings memories of the last time He really did that, but I know it is necessary. 

Please pray for my heart as I begin this new season of ministry!  I have new ladies to lead & disciple, a new (and in my opinion very challenging) book of the Bible to lead on, and the reality is that I can't do it and I need to stop pretending that I can!

I pray that the Lord will reveal HIMSELF.  not me.

God alone

Lately I've been kind of a brat.  In a lot of different ways really, but recently I've especially been one about friends.

You see, I live in a college town, and have lived here since I was two years old.  But for some reason this town seems to be a very transitional place for most people.  I meet people in high school or college, or while serving them while they are involved w/CRU while in college.  I form these super-close friendships...and then they move away.  An awful lot of them seem to move to the same cities as others (Nashville or Louisville areas especially) but just away from me.  And I've been very cranky about it.  Making snide comments to friends who are moving instead of being fully supportive or sometimes just shutting down.  It's hard.  I miss my closest friends--none of my "best" friends even live in the same state and it gets hard to fully invest in relationships b/c I get this idea that they are just going to move away in a year or so anyway so why bother. Of course, there are plenty of people that do stay here but I just haven't taken the time to fully invest.

Well, today I was catching up on My Utmost for His Highest devotional and, once again, God smacked me in the face with a truth that I have just been to whiny to see.

"Over & over again God has to remove our friends to put Himself in their place, and that is when we falter, fail, and become discouraged.... Your priorities must be God first, God second, and God third until your life is continually face to face with God and no one else is taken into account."

 Now, I don't believe that this means that we should ignore Christian community or serving others (obviously that is unbiblical) but just that we should not rely on others more than we do the Lord.  And that is exactly what I have been doing.  I sit here and fuss and throw pity parties b/c "everyone is leaving me" while blatantly ignoring the only One who never will.  Ouch.

Lord, please draw me closer to You and teach me to view my human relationships as a gift from You, not as what sustains me.

stage of life stuff

I feel like my mind is constantly absorbed with thoughts about kids lately--not in the "baby fever" way but more in the pondering of why I don't feel that need/desire and all the complications that come with it.  This has honestly been a hard season of life for me.  On one hand, the Lord has provided me with the amazing opportunity to devote my life to vocational ministry which I absolutely adore with every ounce of my being.  Then on the other, I feel this tremendous pressure to move on to the "next stage" and start a family.  But that is all that it is--social pressure.  Not even comments directed at me, yet for some reason I am taking all things related to children very personally. 

I have wondered if that is a type of conviction from the Lord that we need to step out in faith in this way, but at the same time I've been praying for His direction and know that I am being called to at least one more year of college ministry.  I guess for some reason I just feel the need to defend my calling because it is different right now.  I feel like the motherhood role is so highly revered and aspired to by Christian women--and it is honestly all that it was all I ever wanted growing up--so even though the Lord has been telling me to serve Him in this ministry role I feel like it doesn't count.  I know that He has guarded my heart from the "baby fever" up through this point due to my health issues and now due to my call to serve Him by ministering to college students.  I am praying and trusting that when it is time, He will fully give me that desire, and not just for a few days but a consistent deep longing in my heart to have a child.  I just feel like there is something wrong with me for not having that!

It is especially hard right now with the adoption push that I am seeing in the people around me.  And please don't misunderstand my heart--adoption is an amazing and biblical process that I have always loved.  But I feel like there is pressure right now.  Like believers are being told that if they don't pursue adoption then they aren't fully understanding or partaking in the gospel.  So even though no one has said anything to me I feel like I'm being judged as selfish for being married for 5 years but not starting a family.  And it drives me crazy that I am letting these imagined judgements distract me from the fact that I am serving the Lord in ministry exactly where He called me!  (Again, a lot of my friends are pursuing adoption or have been blessed through it--I am not questioning anyone's heart or saying you were pressured, that is just something that I feel and I have had other friends express the same feeling)

Last year when I was pondering on these issues, I was in a place of fear.  While I still have what I think is a healthy fear of the reality of starting a family, at this point in time I feel that if we were to get pregnant we would be more excited than scared, but we just feel the calling to continue serving where we are.  I guess this is just a part of the spiritual warfare that comes from serving the Lord.  As believers who are seeking to walk according to the Lord's will it would be foolish to think that Satan would not try to distract us by causing us to second-guess where the Lord has us. 

Another big issue I'm struggling with in relation to all of this is the lack of friends in my stage of life.  The reality is that relationships change when kids enter the picture.  Not necessarily always in a bad way, but it is undeniably different.  I think that is part of why I enjoy the college students so much--we can relate deeply on many of the same levels.  This is another stupid insecurity, but when relating to women with children I just feel like whatever I'm dealing with is inconsequential.  That since I don't understand what it is to be responsible for another life, my problems don't count.  (To clarify, this change hasn't negatively affected my closest relationships, but  it does change many of them).  The Lord has been revealing a prideful problem in my heart when it comes to this issue, and showing me that I need to open my heart to people in different life stages--not just those who "understand," but it's still hard.  Ironically, since my post last July almost all of the commenters have either had babies or are currently pregnant.  I very selfishly feel that my friends are getting snatched away from me, one-by-one.  I know that is a stupid way to think.  Friendships don't end just because life changes or they aren't true friendships in the first place!  But the Lord is also teaching me about my need to depend more deeply on Him rather than people.  He is the only constant!

I don't really know the purpose of this post...this is just what has been on my heart lately.  Please pray that the Lord will either give us continued peace about where we are or completely change both mine & Patrick's (we are both in agreement about needing to continue to wait at this point) hearts by giving us a desire to start a family, depending on what His will is.   As of now, we are confident that God has called me to another year of ministry with CRU--at this point as the only active female staff member on our team at WKU.  I will update soon on the end of the semester as well--the last several weeks have been so fruitful and joyous!  Sometimes it is just so hard for me to focus on where God has called me in this moment instead of looking always to the next step.

On being needed

I think I have posted about this before, but, in my pride, I really struggle with wanting my advice, presence, comfort, whatever...to be needed by those I am ministering to.  I love pouring into the lives and hearts of those I lead in Bible study and disciple, and I just want it so much.  In fact, even as I'm typing this I'm realizing that I feel the need to be needed.  Not just that I want to serve selflessly, but I want to serve so that I will feel the joy of having people pour their hearts out to me and come to me for advice--I need this rather than needing Christ.  But that is not at all what we're called to do, and in reality what I am doing here is confessing a major sin in my life.  (God has been revealing so much sin to me lately.  Honestly, it is very difficult and somewhat discouraging to constantly be reminded that I am doing things out of pride and selfishness rather than truly out of heart for Him.)

This all came up this afternoon when I was reading Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest. The devotion for today is "Decreasing for His Purpose" and is focusing on John 3:30:

"He must increase, but I must decrease"

 And the reality is that I want to increase!  I want to increase my influence.  The lives that I touch.  The people who feel the need to call me or make an appointment with me when something big is going on in their lives.  I wish I could say that when those things happen I automatically point them straight to the Lord, but I all to often just try to come up with some good advice, and maybe a Christian catchphrase. As I think about this issue, I can't help but imagine the future reality if we have kids--if I can't encourage the independent growth of the students I lead for a short time, how much more will I want my future children to depend on me for everything!

The devotion stared with the sentence:

"If you become a necessity to someone else's life, you are out of God's will"

 Ouch.   It stings so much to realize that I am desiring something that is out of the Lord's will.  Please pray for me as I am dealing with this reality...that the Lord will purify my heart that I only point people to Him and encourage their dependence on Him and independence from people.  That I love Him & His cause more than I love those that I serve.  And that I become so rooted to the cross that I can see nothing else.  I want to honestly feel that "He must increase, but I must decrease."