helpless

I am drained.  emotionally.  physically.  exhausted.  continuously bursting into tears--i know that the things that are making me cry are real things, but they shouldn't be affecting me the way that they are.  I'm tempted to break into the Prozac that I went off of several months ago just to get through this week, but I know that in reality I need to rest in the Lord, turn these things over to Him, and trust that He is in control.  I'm not depressed--I'm just weary. 

I try to do everything on my own strength, and the reality is that I don't have much strength compared to a normal person, much less compared to my Lord & Savior!  So why is it so hard to trust in Him to take care of the things that concern me?? 

I'm going through one of my favorite devotional books with the girls that I disciple--it's Abide in Christ by Andrew Murray.  The book basically goes through what it means to truly abide in Christ from John 15:1-12.  My favorite verses from this passage are verses 4 & 5:

4 Abide in me, and I in you.  As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.  5  I am the vine; you are the branches.  Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 

 I think it's one of those sayings that we hear a lot and don't quite grasp the meaning, but it's right in the text.  The vine & the branches are, in essence, one plant.  But each have roles--each branch springs from the vine.  The branches find their source of life, nourishment, and support only by being completely attached to the vine.  It is from this source that the branch gains the necessary components to flourish, grow, and bear fruit.  No matter how fruitful a branch may be, if it is cut off from the vine it will wither and it and it's fruit will die.  In the same way, if the branch is not there, the vine will not produce fruit. 

In the past week or so I have allowed the craziness of life to separate me from my vine.  It's ridiculous really how quickly that separation can come about.  I've let me time with the Lord which had been so life-giving sit on the back-burner.  It's not that I have completely lost touch w/my faith in a week, but I've learned that if I don't seek the Lord CONTINUALLY I try to rely on my strength--I am a cut off branch, lying on the ground, trying to bear fruit that is only dying.  And I'm out of strength.  There is no more life in this branch to draw from b/c as a cut off branch, that nourishment and sustenance that may remain from my time attached to the vine will be used up quickly--and once it's gone there is nothing left.  Thankfully we have a gracious God who allows us to reattach.  I just hope I will learn once and for all not to detach again!

So now I am turning these things over to the Lord, and turning back to Him.  I can't do it on my own, and I sure don't want that pressure!  Praise the Lord for giving us the strength to sustain us.

In other news, I got so behind on my 90 day challenge last week that catching up before the month is over will probably not happen :(  BUT it has still been an amazingly worthwhile exercise and reading the Bible in 100 days still feels like quite an accomplishment!

 

"Then you will know that I am the Lord": thoughts on Ezekiel

Well, I'm in my last month of the 90 day Bible challenge and I can't believe I"ve made it this far!  I got behind in Isaiah and have somewhat skipped over it since we are studying it in BSF but I'm reading a few chapters of it each day to still be able to have done the whole Bible in 90 days (I would have been kinda bummed out to not complete the whole thing...) Today I will be reading through the books of Daniel & Hosea, but I wanted to stop and talk about Ezekiel a little bit.

Of all the prophets, I think this has been my favorite so far.  The ways that God instructs Ezekiel to act out His message are just crazy!  He eats a scroll, acts out a nighttime escape, shadowboxes, gesticulates, builds a model Jerusalem, lays on his left side for 390 days and his right for 40 days (while bound by cords...), and heartbreakingly does not mourn the death of his wife under instruction from God.  Just wild stuff.  The setting is in the Babylonian era in the early 500 B.C. era--in the midst of the exile of Isreal & Judah and their punishment and scattering among the nations.  (I'm definitely not an O.T. scholar, so forgive me if I got any of that wrong).  Ezekiel has graphic visions of heaven, God's glory, and heavenly beings, as well as the new temple. 

Of all of that though, what stuck out to me the most was the emphasis on God's glory, His name, and His reputation.  The great thing about reading through this so quickly is that it is really easy to pick up on themes & common phrases, and in this book more than any I have seen that repetition.  There is a lot of "I, the LORD, have spoken" phrases and "It is not for your sake, but for the sake of my holy name" but the one that is most repeated is "Then they will know that I am the LORD" (or some derivative of that--sometimes "you", sometimes "the nations", etc...). 

I actually went through and underlined each instance of this statment and from the first time I noticed it (in chapter 6) through it's last appearance in ch. 39, this phrase is repeated 64 times!  That's right, 64 times in 33 chapters (actually fewer chapters b/c some of the visions did not include it...)!  So why is this so imprtant?  Well, it obviously shows that God's glory and reputation is of utmost importance to Him, but I thought that the context of these statements show very important aspects of God's character.  I'm not going to go through all, but I want to examine some of the verses with this statement and what they say about the Lord.  (all quotes from the NAS version)

7:4 "For My eye will have no pity on you nor shall I spare you, but I shall bring your ways upon you, and your abominations will be among you; then you will know that I am the LORD!"

12: 15-16 "So they will know that I am the LORD when I scatter them among the nations, and spread them among countries.  (16) But I shall spare a few of them from the sword, the famine, and the pestilence that they may tell all their abominations among the nations where they go, and may know that I am the LORD."

13:9 "So My hand will be against the prophets who see false visions and utter lying divinations.  They will have no place in the council of My people, nor will they be written down in the register of the house of Israel, nor will they enter the land of Israel, that you may know that I am the LORD GOD."

13: 21 "I will also tear off your veils and deliver My people from your hands, and they will no longer be in your hands to be hunted; and you will know that I am the LORD."

16:62 "Thus I will establish My covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the LORD."

17: 24 "And all the trees of the field will know that I am the LORD; I bring down the high tree, exalt the low tree, dry up the green tree , and make the dry tree flourish.  I am the LORD; I have spoken, and I will perform it."

20:11-12 "And I gave them My statutes & informed them of My ordinances, by which, if a man observes them, he will live. (12) And also I gave them My sabbaths to be a sign between Me and them, that they might know that I am the LORD who sanctifies them."

20:38 "and I shall purge from you the rebels and those who transgress against Me; I shall bring them out of the land where they sojourn, but they will not enter the land of Isreal.  Thus you will know that I am the LORD."

20:42 "And you will know that I am the LORD, when I bring you into the land of Israel, when I bring you into the land of Israel, in to the land which I swore to give to your forefathers."

20: 44 "Then you will know that I am the LORD when I have dealt with you for My name's sake, not according to your evil ways or according to your corrupt deeds, O house of Israel, declares the LORD GOD."

 22:15-16 "And I shall scatter you among the nations, and I shall disperse you through the lands, and I shall consume your uncleanness from you.  16 And you will profane yourself in the sight of the nations, and you will know that I am the LORD."

23: 49 "And your lewdness will be requited upon you, and you will bear the penalty of worshiping your idols; thus you will know that I am the LORD GOD."

25: 17 "And I will execute great vengeance on them [Philisita] with wrathful rebukes; and they will know that I am the LORD when I lay My vengeance on them."

28: 25-26 "Thus says the Lord GOD, 'When I gather the house of Israel from the peoples among whom they are scattered, and shall manifest My holiness in them in the sight of the nations, then they will live in their land which I gave to My servant Jacob. 26 And they will live in it securely; and they will build houses, plant vineyards, and live securly, when I execute judgments upon all who scorn them round about them. Then they will know that I am the LORD their GOD."

 29: 6 "Then all the inhabitants of Egypt will know that I am the LORD, because they have been only a staff made of reed to the house of Israel."

34: 27 "Also the tree of the field will yield its fruit, and the earth will yield its increase, and they will be secure on their land.  Then they will know that I am the LORD, when I have broken the bars of their yoke and have delivered them from the hand of those who enslaved them.

36: 11 "And I will multiply on you man and beast; and they will increase and be fruitful; and I will cause you to be inhabited as you were formerly and will treat you better than at the first.  Thus you will know that I am the LORD."

 36: 23 "'And I will vindicate the holiness of My great name which has been profaned among the nations, which you have profaned in their midst.  Then the nations will know that I am the LORD' declares the Lord GOD, 'when I prove Myself holy among you in their sight'."

36: 36 "Then the nations that are left round about you will know that I, the LORD have rebuilt the ruined places and planted that which was desolate; I, the LORD, have spoken and will do it."

39:7 "And My holy name I shall make known in the midst of My people Israel; and I shall not let My holy name be profaned anymore.  And the nations will know that I am the LORD, the Holy One in Israel."

 39:21-22 "And I shall set My glory among the nations; and all the nations will see My judgment which I have executed, and My hand which I have laid on them.  22 And the house if Israel will know that I am the LORD their God from that day onward."

39:28 " 'Then they will know that I am the LORD their God because I made them go into exile among the nations, and then gathered them again to their own land; and I will leave none of them there any longer. 29 And I will not hide My face from them any longer, for I shall have poured out My Spirit on the house of Israel,' declares the Lord GOD."

So...lots of verses but ultimately I feel that the point is that the Lord uses His power to show that He is (the only) Lord/God.  Israel has repeatedly abandoned God.  They have sought after the idols and customs of other nations, they have defiled the temple--basically they have broken the heart of the Lord.  I think this is pictured best in chapter 16 with a story of Israel as a harlot who has abandoned her first love.  God is a jealous God and does not allow for His people to serve another--therefore there are consequences to that sin and Israel is sent into exile.  Removed from the promised land and given over to the nations who they have sought after instead of the Lord.   During this time God removes those who have corrupted His people--the evil rulers (ch. 11) the false prophets (ch.13), the Idolatrous elders (ch 14) and sinful individuals (ch 18).  He also punishes the other nations who have seduced His people.  But He leaves a remnant of faithful (6:8-10) who He will restore to His good favor and with whom He will make an eternal covenant.

In the "will know that I am the LORD" statements we see examples of His power shown in particular ways.  He is powerful in that He will punish and destroy sin, unfaithfulness, idolatry, and the profaning of His name.  He is so powerful that even inanimate creation knows that He (and only He) is the LORD and controls all life.  He is powerful in the fact that what He says comes to pass.  He is powerful in mercy--He deals with us to bring glory to His name even when we deserve destruction.  His dealings with His people are so powerful that they are a witness to all nations.  Power in destruction.  Power in redemption.  Power in glory.  Power in creation.  Power over the nations.

Some people struggle with the idea that God is most concerned with the sake of His name--His glory--rather than our lives, but I find amazing freedom in this.  If it were just about our actions, why would God want to forgive our unfaithfulness?  If He were only concerned with our happiness, creation would be in utter chaos, because the total pursuit of personal happiness often causes pain and suffering to others--His concern with His glory means He is just in consequences to sin and unrighteousness in the world.  I'm struggling with verbalizing what I want to say here, but the fact that He is most concerned with His glory assures us that He is in control of what is going on in the world.  All things work together for the good--it may not be the "good" that we have in mind, but it is ultimately to bring glory to Him.

That may have made no sense whatsoever, but ultimately the question is, what is going on in your life that you and others might know that God is the Lord?

humility

I struggle with pride.  I always have, but it has been especially difficult since getting involved in ministry while I was in college.  God broke me to the extreme at one point in college and showed me that the dear ladies in my Bible study were in His hands, not mine...but I just like to get it into my head that their growth is dependent on me.  It's not.

Tonight I was reading in one of my devotional books and saw this quote (in reference to evangelism):

"Aim at the glory of God in the person's salvation. Do it not to get a name for yourself or to bring people to depend on you" ~Richard Baxter, as quoted in Show Me Your Love: Classic Christian Writings

That last part "to bring people to depend on you" kinda slapped me in the face.  I vividly remember a conversation I had with one of the girls in my first Bible study.  I was getting ready to graduate and get married and would no longer be meeting one-on-one with all the girls for discipleship, and had divided them up into pairs as accountability partners so they could learn to maintain that type of relationship on their own when they weren't being pursued in discipleship. I said something to the effect of doing this so they wouldn't depend on me and have withdrawals when I could no longer meet one-on-one, and she responded that she did not depend on me.  In total honesty, that hurt my feelings!  As much as I said that I gave God the glory for them and for their growing walks with Him, in reality I took some of that glory for myself.  I felt like their desire and growth were effects of my efforts.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, as I have seen this tendency rear it's ugly head in my life now that I am leading and discipling again. Do people grow as a result of having others invest in their lives?  YES!  but the thing I have to remember is that God could use anyone to do this work.  The growth does not come from the fact that it is me who is doing the investing--and that is amazing b/c if college students were to depend on me for their growth, it would be pretty horrible when they graduate and move away!

I feel like God has given me a "thorn in the flesh" if you will to keep me humble. That is the fact that, though ministry has often been successful, in many aspects of my life and with some of the people I love most, my efforts do nothing.  If it was all about me and what I do, everyone who I invest in would be Christians and completely on fire for the Lord and not focused on things of the world or any of that (not that I am completely on fire or focused on the Lord, but in my pride I could see that as being a source of my work).  God is working in His timing, which I cannot understand.  He will bring the glory to His name, which will sometimes mean that I get no part in it. 

Praise be to the Lord for the work He has done and is doing!

Speak, Lord, in the Stillness

I have a daily hymn devotional  that I have recently started to use again.  It has a different classic Christian hymn for every day of the year along with a short little message either regarding the circumstances of the hymn's author or something related to scripture which the hymn draws from.  Today's hymn is called "Speak, Lord, in the Stillness" and the words, especially the first stanza really touched me:

Speak, Lord, in the stillness, 

While I wait on Thee; 

Hushed my heart to listen

In expectancy.

Speak, O blessed Master, 

In this quiet hour, 

Let me see Thy face Lord,

Feel Thy touch of power.

For the words Thou speakest, 

"They are life" indeed; 

Living Bread from heaven, 

Now my spirit feed!

All to Thee is yielded,

I am not my own; 

Blissful glad surrender,

I am Thine alone.

Fill me with the knowledge

Of Thy glorious will; 

All Thine own good pleasure

In my life fulfill.

~Emily May Grimes

Last week I started leading a new Bible study and met with several of the ladies for discipleship.  Through these talks it is evident how much the Lord wants to teach all of us about trusting Him.  Saying "trust the Lord" almost seems like a cliche in Christianity--you hear it so much, yet practicing it and truly understanding it seems almost out of reach or understanding.  

I adore the first part of this hymn:

Speak, Lord, in the stillness, 

While I wait on Thee; 

Hushed my heart to listen

In expectancy.

There are 4 things that are expected here:

1. There is stillness!  We have to slow down from the hustle & bustle of life--all the noise and crazy running and BE STILL before the Lord.  Learning to rest in the Lord has been a huge lesson that I have been in the process of learning since I got sick in 2007.  It is hard to rest and to be still.  I want to move all the time and constantly be multitasking, but this is not what God wants for us.
2. We are patiently waiting on the Lord.   Our culture wants everything now.  Even tonight, while driving back from my grandfather's concert in Princeton, KY, we stopped for dinner at a Pizza Hut and it took at least 30 minutes before our meal was ready.  I admit--I felt cranky and agitated and wanted to get on with my night.  When we got home I was frustrated because my plans for the night had not gone as planned.  I just wanted everything to happen instantly.  But in that time of waiting--both for dinner and driving back home--I had some wonderful times with my family.  Waiting on God's timing is hard b/c we don't get a game plan of what He is doing in our lives, yet when I look back on any situation where I was anxiously trying to get an answer from the Lord, I see how He directed and guided me.  Our timing is not the Lord's timing, and that is a good thing!
3. We are quietly listening to Him.  Maybe it's just me, but have you ever noticed that your prayer time is a lot of self-centered babble? I honestly don't know how to listen to God.  I know that He directs me and guides me, but I honestly don't take the time to listen and reflect.  My quiet times right now consist of reading 2 short devotional entries, reading my section of the Bible for the 90 day challenge and journaling about what I have read, and then writing a quick prayer in my prayer journal--sometimes referencing what I just read & always mentioning certain requests.  Then I'm done.  I clearly am not spending enough time reflecting and listening to Him.
4. We expect Him to speak to us.  That is huge for me.  I honestly don't expect God to speak to me.  I mean, I do expect for Him to point out certain things in what I read, but I don't expect that every time that I sit down to meet with Him (in reality, to talk to Him, not with Him) that He will have something to say back to me.  

Wow--that's a lot in 17 words of a hymn!  And in reading over it a few times I just feel that everytime I sit down to meet with the Lord, I need to start by praying the words or at least the ideas of this hymn as a request and expectation of my time with my Savior.  I'm very convicted, but also eagerly anticipating what this attitude will do for my relationship with the Lord!

An update

So I'm almost through I Kings in the 90 day challenge and though it has definitely been a challenge I have learned and gained so much!  I have missed two days so far--made one up, then missed today so we'll see if I make up the time or if I can really finish in 90.  Eep!  I have learned that I really struggle to get this done if I don't do it first thing after I get up in the morning, and somehow my days seem even more full now that I'm not working--crazy!

I think that the most helpful thing for me has been that in reading in such quick succession I am able to really pick up on consistencies, patterns, cause/effect situations, etc...  In studying Israel and really all of the Old Testament figures I am overwhelmed at God's patience with His people and His true compassion & love for them.  I mean, you always hear about God's love for you, but reading about how He would punish them yet still hear them and forgive when they cried out to Him.  I love this in Judges 10:10-16. In the first 5 verses you see how Isreal has forsaken the Lord for false gods and are being punished.  Then in verse 16 "...they put away the foreign gods from among them, and served the Lord; and He could bear the misery of Israel no longer" (NASB, emphasis added).  How special is that?  That even when we turn away over and over and over, God loves us enough that it hurts Him to see us in misery--even over our own sin!

Another encouraging aspect of this study has been in seeing how God chooses and loves imperfect people.  Yes, there are consequences to sin (Moses not going into the promised land, David not getting to build the temple & losing his first son with Bathsheeba), but this is exactly the places where you see Romans 8:28 lived out!  I thought that it was especially intersting that God fulfilled his covenant with David (II Sam. 7:8-17) initially through Soloman--a child who was born to David & Bathsheeba!  He would not have existed without David's sin, yet the Lord used his lineage. 

Praise the Lord for His forgiveness, His graciousness, and His love!!!

Done with Deuteronomy, and an "AHA!" moment

I just finished Deuteronomy and the fifteenth day of "the challenge" and with that, am now finished with the books of Moses and the Law--the "boring" "irrelevant" stuff as most Christians view it at this point.  My goal in going through these has been to read them in the light of 2 Tim. 3:16-17 "All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work" (NASB).  I think I did fairly well at this, though definitely did not apply it to every single verse and passage--some of those Laws wore me out!  And I could not focus on the genealogies or lists of where Israel had traveled or the things like that. 

I had to mentally work through some of the topics as well, and my mind just does not comprehend a lot of it.  One of the biggest struggles for me has been looking at the person of Moses.  As I discussed earlier, Moses does a lot of whining and questioning God.  In Numbers 11: 10-15 we see another chunk of that "Why have you been so hard on your servant? And why have I not found favor in Your sight, that You have laid the burden of all this people on me?...Where am I going to get meat to give all this people?...So if You are going to deal this way with me, please kill me at once..." yet in 12:8 God states (of Moses) "With him I speak mouth to mouth, even openly, and not in dark sayings, and he beholds the form of the Lord..." (and then He punishes Miriam & Aaron for speaking against Moses)  I mean, that is some serious praise from God, even when Moses seems so whiny!
But then...in Numbers 20:8-13 at the waters of Meribah, God commands Moses to speak to a rock for it to bring forth water to feed the people, and instead he strikes it with his staff.  The water comes out to nourish the people, but God's immediate response is "Because you have not believed Me to treat Me as holy in the sight of the sons of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly into the land which I have given them" (v. 12).  So after what seems like a technicality, God's chosen servant who has lead the people and who God has defended in spite of his whining and constant questioning is stripped of his opportunity to see the fruit of all this work.  That just seemed so harsh and out of character to me in comparison to all the other things that he did.

I struggled with it and didn't get it until finishing Deuteronomy tonight.  In chapter 32 verse 51 God is speaking of the issue and says (which is basically the same as in Num. 20:12, but I didn't get it until now) "because you broke faith with Me in the midst of the sons of Israel at the waters...because you did not treat Me as holy in the midst of the sons of Israel."  The issue is that Moses basically disrespected and dishonored the Lord in the presence of the people who he was supposed to be pointing Him.  He acted of his own will, chose how he wanted to do things, and assumed that he had the right to do so since God had chosen him for so much (prideful?  yes.). 

I think this shows so much about our relationship with the Lord.  We have the freedom to speak honestly with God.  To ask Him, to even question and intercede and beg and whine--it is a real relationship like that.  But when it comes to our actions in front of others--especially those to whom we are in spiritual leadership--it is a huge offense to try to take things in our own hands, especially if we try to pass our own desires/wishes/actions off as commanded by God when they are not.  In doing that we are saying that His grace, His will, His sovereignty are not enough, and that we can do it better on our own.  NOPE!  As hard as it can be to comprehend at some points, it is all about God's glory and when we lose sight of that fact we are in trouble!

I'm really enjoying this plan and hope you will try it at some point, even if not doing it as quickly as 90 days, but there are definitely things that I would not have picked up on had I not read them as closely.

bible in 90 days, day 5: into the Exodus

Today I read the first 15 chapters of Exodus, and though I'm not going to do super in-depth recaps anymore (just due to the time that it takes) I wanted to make note of a few things that really stuck out to me.

Exodus thus far is basically the story of Moses...so immediately my mind is going to one the favorite movies of my childhood: the Ten Commandments with the fabulous Charlton Heston of course ;).  Wow.  They sure did take a lot of creative liberties with the story!  I think it's fair to say that I've watched the movie much more often then I've read Exodus (kinda sad) so my idea of how things transpired is a bit skewed.  Oh well...

In this section, the major thing that stuck out to me was the contrast in Moses' character from that of Abraham.  No matter what God asked of Abraham, he was met with immediate obedience.  Well, Moses seems to immediately question and protest what God asks from him.  We see this in chapter 4 when he is first charged with the responsibility of leading the Israelites out of Egypt.  He argues that he is "slow of speech and slow of tongue" and even when the Lord combats his protests with the fact that He created Moses and will be with his mouth and teach him what to say, Moses begs for someone else to deliver the messages.  God appoints Aaron, but is angry with Moses.  He does this again after his first meeting with Pharaoh which brought negative consequences to the Israelite slaves (5:22-23 "...Why didst Thou ever send me?...Thou has not delivered Thy people at all.") (whine much??)  and then in 6:12 "...the sons of Israel have not listened to me; how then will Pharoah listen to me..."

Though as a reader it is easy to see Moses' fault here, I think it is also somewhat encouraging that, despite his untrusting reaction, Moses was chosen to lead the Isrealites out of Egypt, as well as to see God and to be entrusted with the Law.  And really, who am I more like...Abraham or Moses?  Definitely Moses. 

There is an extremely confusing section in Ex. 4: 24-26 that seems so out of nowhere that I had to look up some commentary to see what in the world it had to do with.  Basically, though we don't see any unresolved conflict, the Lord meets Moses as he is on his way to Egypt and tries to kill him.  The conflict is resolved when Moses' wife Zipporah circumcises his son, and throws the foreskin at his feet and declares him to be a "bridegroom of blood."  Huh?  I won't try to explain it all b/c I don't get it fully, (you can read the commentary I looked at here) but the ultimate conflict comes down to the fact that Moses was chosen to deliver the Israelites yet had not upheld his part of the covenant of circumcision (Gen 17:9-10) in his own family.  There was potentially a cultural issue between Moses & his wife where she did not agree with circumcision on the 8th day after birth, so Moses had not implemented that requirement in his family.  Zipporah grudgingly circumcises her son to save her husband's life so that he can fulfill the will of God.  Read more if you want the details, but it does show the importance of following God's commands if you are seeking to serve him--specifically I think in the area of ministry (my own take on the issue).

Last point on this section.  A lot of people get hung up on the parts where God hardens Pharoah's heart against letting the Israelites go as opposed to when Pharoah's hardens his own heart.  I won't go into the whole issue of free will here--that can be a nightmare to try to understand/explain/discuss, but ultimately it is explained in 9:14-16 (v.16 "But indeed, for this cuase I have allowed you to remain, in order to show you My power, and in order to proclaim My name through all the earth") God did not turn Pharoah completely against what his natural inclination was or Pharoah would have never hardened his own heart.  Instead, God made sure that He fully demonstrated His own power, and showed that no other person or "god" could do what he could do (remember that the Egyptian magicians were able to replicate all of the plagues up until the plauge of the gnats).

From the beginning, it has been all about God's glory!  That is why he chooses inadequate sinners like us--if we could do it on our own, it would be no big deal!