On being needed

I think I have posted about this before, but, in my pride, I really struggle with wanting my advice, presence, comfort, whatever...to be needed by those I am ministering to.  I love pouring into the lives and hearts of those I lead in Bible study and disciple, and I just want it so much.  In fact, even as I'm typing this I'm realizing that I feel the need to be needed.  Not just that I want to serve selflessly, but I want to serve so that I will feel the joy of having people pour their hearts out to me and come to me for advice--I need this rather than needing Christ.  But that is not at all what we're called to do, and in reality what I am doing here is confessing a major sin in my life.  (God has been revealing so much sin to me lately.  Honestly, it is very difficult and somewhat discouraging to constantly be reminded that I am doing things out of pride and selfishness rather than truly out of heart for Him.)

This all came up this afternoon when I was reading Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest. The devotion for today is "Decreasing for His Purpose" and is focusing on John 3:30:

"He must increase, but I must decrease"

 And the reality is that I want to increase!  I want to increase my influence.  The lives that I touch.  The people who feel the need to call me or make an appointment with me when something big is going on in their lives.  I wish I could say that when those things happen I automatically point them straight to the Lord, but I all to often just try to come up with some good advice, and maybe a Christian catchphrase. As I think about this issue, I can't help but imagine the future reality if we have kids--if I can't encourage the independent growth of the students I lead for a short time, how much more will I want my future children to depend on me for everything!

The devotion stared with the sentence:

"If you become a necessity to someone else's life, you are out of God's will"

 Ouch.   It stings so much to realize that I am desiring something that is out of the Lord's will.  Please pray for me as I am dealing with this reality...that the Lord will purify my heart that I only point people to Him and encourage their dependence on Him and independence from people.  That I love Him & His cause more than I love those that I serve.  And that I become so rooted to the cross that I can see nothing else.  I want to honestly feel that "He must increase, but I must decrease."

When God Speaks

Sorry that I have not been faithful in posting here regularly as of late.  I would like to say that I am just so busy that I haven't had time to post all the amazing things that God is doing in my life, but in reality the past few months have been difficult.  I have been sick a lot (typical for a winter but especially so for my weakened and susceptible immune system) and I have really allowed that sickness to leave me discouraged & honestly guilty.  I know that guilt sounds like a ridiculous reaction to illness, but since I quit my job at the doctor's office primarily to improve my health, every setback in that area leads me to feel like I have failed:  I should have just persevered at my job and not put my family under the financial strain that has come from quitting.  Now, in reality I am 100% sure that I am where God wants me, and I also know that hubs prefers where I am now to where I was then, but still, that is one of those areas where my faith fails when it is tested. 

In addition I have dealt with some spiritual apathy.  Though I have mostly been consistent in times with the Lord and I am constantly surrounded by people seeking the Lord in ministry, I started shifting to my default sin mode: relying on my own "strength" and feeling like I can do these things based on my "wisdom" rather than the Lord's.  I've been going through the motions, and honestly feeling detached and distant from what God is doing and who He is. 

I used being out of town a little over a week ago to get me out of my "habit" of daily time with the Lord and before I knew it over a week had gone by without dedicated time with Him (I am learning that I have to make a distinction between Bible study planning & prayer meetings & personal time with the Lord).  So yesterday morning I got out my Bible & devotional book to "catch up" on my readings and devote some time to prayer...and God met me there!  I think as believers we over complicate what it is to hear God speak to us and try to push the promptings of the Spirit to the background as errant thoughts, but when we go to meet with God, He will be there and speak to us!  And what He said to me at the beginning was not something I wanted to do.  He told me to devote that day to Him and turn off the "noise" that I normally default to. 

If you know me fairly well you know that I love my entertainment.  I love TV--it's almost always on in the background just b/c I don't want the house to be quiet when I'm at home and I always like to multi-task.  I also LOVE the internet...blogs in particular.  My Google Reader is bursting with new updates every single day and I have not been able to just ignore those.  I love books & magazines reading at every opportunity.  I love stupid computer & internet games that do nothing but waste my time!  In other words, my life is full of meaningless distractions that I allow to consume every day of my life.  It's crazy b/c I always get this feeling that I will "miss out" on something--some joke or article or recipe--if I don't read, watch, and listen to everything that is available to me.  (I often call myself and information hoarder--along w/the stuff hoarding).  Another revelation from the Lord over the past few days is that I am much like Eve in the garden of Eden desiring the knowledge of good & evil--and I haven't had a filter but have equally (unequally leaning towards the world) been wanting to know both the things of the Lord & the things of the world.

So God told me not to consume my day with those things.  And I started to try to brush that thought away:  "I only need to do that for the morning" "I can't not check my email!" "Maybe just not the trashy shows but the Turner Classic Movies are ok?"  After much metal waffling and debating I agreed to obey the Lord in this for my entire day until time with my husband in the evening.  So yeah.  Agreement to obey.  And do you know the first thing that I thought next?  "I need to tweet about devoting today to the Lord so people will know why I'm not online!"  (HELLO PRIDE!)  Thankfully God showed me the ridiculousness of that thought & I refrained, but I immediately then started thinking about how I would blog about it and all the things that I was doing.  Ridiculous!!!  All. Day. Long. I found myself mentally teaching about this experience and explaining it to others.  I am by nature a teacher and I really do learn more from the Lord when I am leading a Bible study or discipling someone, but God was very obviously telling me that was not the point of the day.  (I did consider not posting about this at all but I feel that the Lord does want me to give Him glory by sharing what He is teaching me)  So here I am in the kitchen, constantly trying to give this prideful attitude over to the Lord and open my heart to Him but I could not shut off these ridiculous prideful self-glorifying thoughts in my head.  I had brought my ipod dock into the kitchen w/some praise songs and a few sermons I had been needing to listen to and I finally started singing along with some of the praise songs when God revealed it to me:

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GLORIFY OURSELVES WHEN WE ARE OCCUPYING OUR MOUTHS & THOUGHTS WITH SINGING PRAISES TO GOD!!!

 How cool is that?  I mean literally, when I was singing praises to the Lord I could not focus my thoughts on myself.  But that is definitely a discipline.  If I stopped, my sinful mind would go right back to me.  But those moments of focus on the Lord were so precious!

I'm not going to share everything God said to me in that time, but He definitely spoke in that day.  He revealed so much about how very deep my pride goes.  He showed me my selfish motives in what I pray for.  My desire for glorification in ministry.  The fact that I care too much for people and not nearly enough for Christ.  These kinds of revelations are so painful but praise be to God who is patient and willing to speak to us if only we will listen!! 

In closing I want to re-post this hymn, the lyrics of which are a prayer that I NEED to pray & apply every day.  God wants to speak to us but how rarely are we willing to turn off the noise and listen to Him!

Speak, Lord, in the stillness, 

While I wait on Thee; 

Hushed my heart to listen

In expectancy.

Speak, O blessed Master, 

In this quiet hour, 

Let me see Thy face Lord,

Feel Thy touch of power.

For the words Thou speakest, 

"They are life" indeed; 

Living Bread from heaven, 

Now my spirit feed!

All to Thee is yielded,

I am not my own; 

Blissful glad surrender,

I am Thine alone.

Fill me with the knowledge

Of Thy glorious will; 

All Thine own good pleasure

In my life fulfill.

~Emily May Grimes