God alone

Lately I've been kind of a brat.  In a lot of different ways really, but recently I've especially been one about friends.

You see, I live in a college town, and have lived here since I was two years old.  But for some reason this town seems to be a very transitional place for most people.  I meet people in high school or college, or while serving them while they are involved w/CRU while in college.  I form these super-close friendships...and then they move away.  An awful lot of them seem to move to the same cities as others (Nashville or Louisville areas especially) but just away from me.  And I've been very cranky about it.  Making snide comments to friends who are moving instead of being fully supportive or sometimes just shutting down.  It's hard.  I miss my closest friends--none of my "best" friends even live in the same state and it gets hard to fully invest in relationships b/c I get this idea that they are just going to move away in a year or so anyway so why bother. Of course, there are plenty of people that do stay here but I just haven't taken the time to fully invest.

Well, today I was catching up on My Utmost for His Highest devotional and, once again, God smacked me in the face with a truth that I have just been to whiny to see.

"Over & over again God has to remove our friends to put Himself in their place, and that is when we falter, fail, and become discouraged.... Your priorities must be God first, God second, and God third until your life is continually face to face with God and no one else is taken into account."

 Now, I don't believe that this means that we should ignore Christian community or serving others (obviously that is unbiblical) but just that we should not rely on others more than we do the Lord.  And that is exactly what I have been doing.  I sit here and fuss and throw pity parties b/c "everyone is leaving me" while blatantly ignoring the only One who never will.  Ouch.

Lord, please draw me closer to You and teach me to view my human relationships as a gift from You, not as what sustains me.

stage of life stuff

I feel like my mind is constantly absorbed with thoughts about kids lately--not in the "baby fever" way but more in the pondering of why I don't feel that need/desire and all the complications that come with it.  This has honestly been a hard season of life for me.  On one hand, the Lord has provided me with the amazing opportunity to devote my life to vocational ministry which I absolutely adore with every ounce of my being.  Then on the other, I feel this tremendous pressure to move on to the "next stage" and start a family.  But that is all that it is--social pressure.  Not even comments directed at me, yet for some reason I am taking all things related to children very personally. 

I have wondered if that is a type of conviction from the Lord that we need to step out in faith in this way, but at the same time I've been praying for His direction and know that I am being called to at least one more year of college ministry.  I guess for some reason I just feel the need to defend my calling because it is different right now.  I feel like the motherhood role is so highly revered and aspired to by Christian women--and it is honestly all that it was all I ever wanted growing up--so even though the Lord has been telling me to serve Him in this ministry role I feel like it doesn't count.  I know that He has guarded my heart from the "baby fever" up through this point due to my health issues and now due to my call to serve Him by ministering to college students.  I am praying and trusting that when it is time, He will fully give me that desire, and not just for a few days but a consistent deep longing in my heart to have a child.  I just feel like there is something wrong with me for not having that!

It is especially hard right now with the adoption push that I am seeing in the people around me.  And please don't misunderstand my heart--adoption is an amazing and biblical process that I have always loved.  But I feel like there is pressure right now.  Like believers are being told that if they don't pursue adoption then they aren't fully understanding or partaking in the gospel.  So even though no one has said anything to me I feel like I'm being judged as selfish for being married for 5 years but not starting a family.  And it drives me crazy that I am letting these imagined judgements distract me from the fact that I am serving the Lord in ministry exactly where He called me!  (Again, a lot of my friends are pursuing adoption or have been blessed through it--I am not questioning anyone's heart or saying you were pressured, that is just something that I feel and I have had other friends express the same feeling)

Last year when I was pondering on these issues, I was in a place of fear.  While I still have what I think is a healthy fear of the reality of starting a family, at this point in time I feel that if we were to get pregnant we would be more excited than scared, but we just feel the calling to continue serving where we are.  I guess this is just a part of the spiritual warfare that comes from serving the Lord.  As believers who are seeking to walk according to the Lord's will it would be foolish to think that Satan would not try to distract us by causing us to second-guess where the Lord has us. 

Another big issue I'm struggling with in relation to all of this is the lack of friends in my stage of life.  The reality is that relationships change when kids enter the picture.  Not necessarily always in a bad way, but it is undeniably different.  I think that is part of why I enjoy the college students so much--we can relate deeply on many of the same levels.  This is another stupid insecurity, but when relating to women with children I just feel like whatever I'm dealing with is inconsequential.  That since I don't understand what it is to be responsible for another life, my problems don't count.  (To clarify, this change hasn't negatively affected my closest relationships, but  it does change many of them).  The Lord has been revealing a prideful problem in my heart when it comes to this issue, and showing me that I need to open my heart to people in different life stages--not just those who "understand," but it's still hard.  Ironically, since my post last July almost all of the commenters have either had babies or are currently pregnant.  I very selfishly feel that my friends are getting snatched away from me, one-by-one.  I know that is a stupid way to think.  Friendships don't end just because life changes or they aren't true friendships in the first place!  But the Lord is also teaching me about my need to depend more deeply on Him rather than people.  He is the only constant!

I don't really know the purpose of this post...this is just what has been on my heart lately.  Please pray that the Lord will either give us continued peace about where we are or completely change both mine & Patrick's (we are both in agreement about needing to continue to wait at this point) hearts by giving us a desire to start a family, depending on what His will is.   As of now, we are confident that God has called me to another year of ministry with CRU--at this point as the only active female staff member on our team at WKU.  I will update soon on the end of the semester as well--the last several weeks have been so fruitful and joyous!  Sometimes it is just so hard for me to focus on where God has called me in this moment instead of looking always to the next step.

On being needed

I think I have posted about this before, but, in my pride, I really struggle with wanting my advice, presence, comfort, whatever...to be needed by those I am ministering to.  I love pouring into the lives and hearts of those I lead in Bible study and disciple, and I just want it so much.  In fact, even as I'm typing this I'm realizing that I feel the need to be needed.  Not just that I want to serve selflessly, but I want to serve so that I will feel the joy of having people pour their hearts out to me and come to me for advice--I need this rather than needing Christ.  But that is not at all what we're called to do, and in reality what I am doing here is confessing a major sin in my life.  (God has been revealing so much sin to me lately.  Honestly, it is very difficult and somewhat discouraging to constantly be reminded that I am doing things out of pride and selfishness rather than truly out of heart for Him.)

This all came up this afternoon when I was reading Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest. The devotion for today is "Decreasing for His Purpose" and is focusing on John 3:30:

"He must increase, but I must decrease"

 And the reality is that I want to increase!  I want to increase my influence.  The lives that I touch.  The people who feel the need to call me or make an appointment with me when something big is going on in their lives.  I wish I could say that when those things happen I automatically point them straight to the Lord, but I all to often just try to come up with some good advice, and maybe a Christian catchphrase. As I think about this issue, I can't help but imagine the future reality if we have kids--if I can't encourage the independent growth of the students I lead for a short time, how much more will I want my future children to depend on me for everything!

The devotion stared with the sentence:

"If you become a necessity to someone else's life, you are out of God's will"

 Ouch.   It stings so much to realize that I am desiring something that is out of the Lord's will.  Please pray for me as I am dealing with this reality...that the Lord will purify my heart that I only point people to Him and encourage their dependence on Him and independence from people.  That I love Him & His cause more than I love those that I serve.  And that I become so rooted to the cross that I can see nothing else.  I want to honestly feel that "He must increase, but I must decrease."

When God Speaks

Sorry that I have not been faithful in posting here regularly as of late.  I would like to say that I am just so busy that I haven't had time to post all the amazing things that God is doing in my life, but in reality the past few months have been difficult.  I have been sick a lot (typical for a winter but especially so for my weakened and susceptible immune system) and I have really allowed that sickness to leave me discouraged & honestly guilty.  I know that guilt sounds like a ridiculous reaction to illness, but since I quit my job at the doctor's office primarily to improve my health, every setback in that area leads me to feel like I have failed:  I should have just persevered at my job and not put my family under the financial strain that has come from quitting.  Now, in reality I am 100% sure that I am where God wants me, and I also know that hubs prefers where I am now to where I was then, but still, that is one of those areas where my faith fails when it is tested. 

In addition I have dealt with some spiritual apathy.  Though I have mostly been consistent in times with the Lord and I am constantly surrounded by people seeking the Lord in ministry, I started shifting to my default sin mode: relying on my own "strength" and feeling like I can do these things based on my "wisdom" rather than the Lord's.  I've been going through the motions, and honestly feeling detached and distant from what God is doing and who He is. 

I used being out of town a little over a week ago to get me out of my "habit" of daily time with the Lord and before I knew it over a week had gone by without dedicated time with Him (I am learning that I have to make a distinction between Bible study planning & prayer meetings & personal time with the Lord).  So yesterday morning I got out my Bible & devotional book to "catch up" on my readings and devote some time to prayer...and God met me there!  I think as believers we over complicate what it is to hear God speak to us and try to push the promptings of the Spirit to the background as errant thoughts, but when we go to meet with God, He will be there and speak to us!  And what He said to me at the beginning was not something I wanted to do.  He told me to devote that day to Him and turn off the "noise" that I normally default to. 

If you know me fairly well you know that I love my entertainment.  I love TV--it's almost always on in the background just b/c I don't want the house to be quiet when I'm at home and I always like to multi-task.  I also LOVE the internet...blogs in particular.  My Google Reader is bursting with new updates every single day and I have not been able to just ignore those.  I love books & magazines reading at every opportunity.  I love stupid computer & internet games that do nothing but waste my time!  In other words, my life is full of meaningless distractions that I allow to consume every day of my life.  It's crazy b/c I always get this feeling that I will "miss out" on something--some joke or article or recipe--if I don't read, watch, and listen to everything that is available to me.  (I often call myself and information hoarder--along w/the stuff hoarding).  Another revelation from the Lord over the past few days is that I am much like Eve in the garden of Eden desiring the knowledge of good & evil--and I haven't had a filter but have equally (unequally leaning towards the world) been wanting to know both the things of the Lord & the things of the world.

So God told me not to consume my day with those things.  And I started to try to brush that thought away:  "I only need to do that for the morning" "I can't not check my email!" "Maybe just not the trashy shows but the Turner Classic Movies are ok?"  After much metal waffling and debating I agreed to obey the Lord in this for my entire day until time with my husband in the evening.  So yeah.  Agreement to obey.  And do you know the first thing that I thought next?  "I need to tweet about devoting today to the Lord so people will know why I'm not online!"  (HELLO PRIDE!)  Thankfully God showed me the ridiculousness of that thought & I refrained, but I immediately then started thinking about how I would blog about it and all the things that I was doing.  Ridiculous!!!  All. Day. Long. I found myself mentally teaching about this experience and explaining it to others.  I am by nature a teacher and I really do learn more from the Lord when I am leading a Bible study or discipling someone, but God was very obviously telling me that was not the point of the day.  (I did consider not posting about this at all but I feel that the Lord does want me to give Him glory by sharing what He is teaching me)  So here I am in the kitchen, constantly trying to give this prideful attitude over to the Lord and open my heart to Him but I could not shut off these ridiculous prideful self-glorifying thoughts in my head.  I had brought my ipod dock into the kitchen w/some praise songs and a few sermons I had been needing to listen to and I finally started singing along with some of the praise songs when God revealed it to me:

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GLORIFY OURSELVES WHEN WE ARE OCCUPYING OUR MOUTHS & THOUGHTS WITH SINGING PRAISES TO GOD!!!

 How cool is that?  I mean literally, when I was singing praises to the Lord I could not focus my thoughts on myself.  But that is definitely a discipline.  If I stopped, my sinful mind would go right back to me.  But those moments of focus on the Lord were so precious!

I'm not going to share everything God said to me in that time, but He definitely spoke in that day.  He revealed so much about how very deep my pride goes.  He showed me my selfish motives in what I pray for.  My desire for glorification in ministry.  The fact that I care too much for people and not nearly enough for Christ.  These kinds of revelations are so painful but praise be to God who is patient and willing to speak to us if only we will listen!! 

In closing I want to re-post this hymn, the lyrics of which are a prayer that I NEED to pray & apply every day.  God wants to speak to us but how rarely are we willing to turn off the noise and listen to Him!

Speak, Lord, in the stillness, 

While I wait on Thee; 

Hushed my heart to listen

In expectancy.

Speak, O blessed Master, 

In this quiet hour, 

Let me see Thy face Lord,

Feel Thy touch of power.

For the words Thou speakest, 

"They are life" indeed; 

Living Bread from heaven, 

Now my spirit feed!

All to Thee is yielded,

I am not my own; 

Blissful glad surrender,

I am Thine alone.

Fill me with the knowledge

Of Thy glorious will; 

All Thine own good pleasure

In my life fulfill.

~Emily May Grimes

Today I was able to hear a good friend preach a thoughtful and sensitive sermon on one of the hardest issues that Bible-believing Christians deal with today: homosexuality. 

I highly recommend listening to the podcast here:


http://www.bridgesh.com/2011/01/question-1-homosexuality/

The Waiting Game

Sorry for my prolonged absence over here! I have so many things I want to post--ministry updates, the lessons I write for Bible study, and a study guide for the book that we're going through--but sometimes living life gets in the way of writing about it!  Go figure ;)

One of the most special gifts that I received for Christmas was a copy of Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest daily devotional journal that my dad went through over the past year and filled with messages, notes, and prayers for me.  This year I am going through that book & his notes as part of my own devotional time. 

The entry for today was on the discipline of waiting on God referencing John 13:37

"Peter said to Him, 'Lord, why can I not follow You now?'"

How much does that statement hit home?!?!  In our culture, everything is so instantaneous that I don't believe we know how to wait.  If a line is too long we jump in another or go somewhere else.  If we are having a hard time at our jobs we quit.  If a relationship is difficult we end it.   We have fast food, Netflix, "on demand" channels & DVRs, microwaves...every convenience to give us what we want right NOW.  I'm not saying that all these things are inherently bad, but that they reinforce a culture of impatience. 

Chambers says:

"When God brings a time of waiting, and appears to be unresponsive, don't fill it with busyness, just wait. ...  Never run before God gives you His direction."

That is such a hard thing to do.  In the Abide in Christ book that I'm going through with the girls I disciple it lays out our only real responsibilities as believers:  "to yield, to trust, to wait." As we discuss that I've asked each girl which one is hardest for them.  The answer varies, but for me, the hardest is always the waiting.  I feel like I can yield things to the Lord and trust Him for a time, but as I start to grow uncomfortable and impatient I always try to take it into my own hands. 

The best example in my life from a time when I learned to trust Him was last year as hubs & I were going through the process of changing my career.  There had been several times over the years when I was dissatisfied with my former job and wanted to leave, but it wasn't the right time.  I stuck with it until last February when I knew that a change had to take place, but had no idea what that was. We tried to make our own options happen--to find the perfect job quickly & on our own.  The months went by and finally God provided exactly what He wanted me to do!  It's crazy because the policy changes & new business that have made it possible for me to do ministry through GSN partnering with Campus Crusade did not exist a few years ago.  If, in my impatience, I had chosen to leave my job when I first wanted to, or even within those first few months of questioning, I would have settled for less than God's best.  By waiting--as hard as it was--He provided EXACTLY what I had always wanted to do--what He had called me to. 

Now, that is one example in my life when I did this right--the majority of the time I am so controlling that I just try to make things happen how I would like to see them go--and I am the queen of "busyness" for sure.  But what a comfort we have to know that God knows what is best and wants just that for our lives!  We just have to learn to wait!

Active Passivity

For the past few months God has entrusted me with an amazing group of godly young women to lead in Bible study.  Joining in with this new group was scary for me (and them)--I had thought that my days of leading college Bible studies were over...but when Patrick & I began to pray about a career change for me, God provided the amazing opportunity to work on a part-time basis with the Campus Crusade for Christ staff team and lead this amazing group of young ladies! I prayed all summer long about the girls in the group--specifically that God would make them teachable and provide opportunities for us to grow close as a body of Christ.  I was looking over my prayer journal recently about entries around the time that this decision was made.  I wrote this entry on what my attitude should be based on I Cor ch 1- 3 (which I actually re-read today):

How should I start this group?

• not with superiority of speech or wisdom 
• determined to know nothing except Christ crucified
• with them in weakness, fear, and trembling
• to demonstrate the Spirit & power, not persuasive words of "wisdom"
• seeking to help them rest their faith on the power of God, not the wisdom of men

I continued to pray all summer long for the Lord to prepare my heart, keep me humble, and focus on turning them towards Him rather than trying to get glory for myself (one of my bigger sin issues).  I also prayed specifically for the Lord to provide specific things in common with the girls to provide a more natural transition--and God did this in amazing ways!  Seriously, I have something unique in common with each girl in the group that I feel like God divinely ordained to make this ministry fruitful and unifying to glorify Him.  It is so amazing to see how in just a few short months they are pouring our their hearts to me and one another--a true picture of unity in the body of believers--and through that they are pouring into other students in Crusade and on campus.  AMAZING!

But the crazy thing is, despite everything God has done, the majority of my prayers about this group contained the phrase "I'm scared."  I knew that God was directing me to serve in this way, but the group of ladies that I have are seniors, so firm in their walks with the Lord, and have also had several leaders of their group over their time in college.  In reality, I had not walked closely with the Lord on a consistent basis since I graduated college.  Time with Him was sporadic and out of duty rather than desire.  Going in to this semester I was keenly aware of my failings (you can read about that here) and the knowledge that I was no longer the Religious Studies & Philosophy major--full of Bible trivia and theology and all the "right" answers.  I had struggled with severe depression when my ideas of what the future would look like came crashing down; I had spent lots of time in a secular (but still very "bible belt") environment which taught me a LOT about what non-believers or those who are not actively pursuing the Lord need to know (and you know what?  it's not a bunch of big theological words) but in which I also cared maybe too much about "fitting in" (seriously?  am I in jr. high again?) than walking with the Lord.  I also struggled a lot for the first time with full-blown materialism and "stuff" lust as well as the desire to brainlessly zone out in front of the TV and magazines.  So yeah--a very different place than I was in while in college.  Just kinda a mess.

Then I started the 90 day Bible challenge (which I technically failed once I got to the New Testament--not yet done but still working on reading the Bible through in large chunks)  and do you know what?  When you spend time with the Lord--He works in your life!!  Crazy right??  Who would have thought that a relationship would be strengthened by regular time together?? God has taught me a lot through this for sure (which I will summarize when I'm through!).  On top of that, in Bible study we've been studying the book of Ephesians as a group (which I will be posting about and actually posting our lessons soon) and then as I meet one-on-one with each of them every other week for discipleship we are reading Abide in Christ by Andrew Murray (one of my favorites!).
 I feel like what I am learning most through all of these is our need for utter reliance on the Lord.  I feel like it can be summed up by the oxymoronic phrase "Active Passivity."  As we study John 15--the parable of the vine and the branches as a picture of our relationship with the Lord--we see the need for complete dependence on the Lord.  We can't do anything to make the vine (God) sustain us--by His plan, that is His role which is accomplished through the Holy Spirit.  But if we disconnect from the vine we whither and die.  Also, we cannot bear fruit of ourselves--have you ever seen a branch lying on the ground and just start flowering and sprouting fruit on its own?  Of course not!  Yet somehow we expect to do that.

This concept is so hard for us to grasp in many ways I think b/c of our cultural values.  Have you ever heard the phrase "If you want something done right you've got to do it yourself"?  Definitely not biblical--yet independence & self reliance are things we seem to aspire to above all.  Ultimately we cannot do anything for God.  Just like the branch, we are merely a vessel through which the Lord chooses to work and bear fruit.

So where does the "Active Passivity" come in?  Our role/activity is submission:  yield our life to the Lord, trust Him to accomplish what He promises, and wait for Him to work.  We have to actively do those things.  Yielding our direction & goals for life does not just happen when we pray one unbelieving prayer "Lord control my life" then push it aside and continue on in our own way.  I think one of the best examples of taking steps of faith to yield, trust, and wait is in Mark 9: 17-29, the story of the centurion asking Jesus to heal his son.  Verse 24 says "Immediately the boy's father cried out and began saying, 'I do believe; help my unbelief.'"  That prayerjust acknowledges our desire to take these steps of faith, yet our inability to actually make those attitude changes happen.  Over and over and over again we must pray "I yield my life to you--help me yield my life to you" and take every doubting impatient thought captive and pray this prayer and then wait for Him to work.  I think that--the waiting--may be hardest for me (though none of them are easy b/c I think my plans are better...).  It's just that waiting for the Lord's timing requires patience, and we are used to getting what we want NOW.  And honestly I think we (definitely I) just don't actually expect God to work.  When I was praying about being entrusted with this group, I was praying for the Lord to work, but the sense of fear really overcame me.  I did not truly believe that God would work in this situation--yet He did and continues to do so by His own power--not by my power or anything I say or do.

So that is one of the huge lessons of right now.  Honestly, it's abstract and difficult for any of us to grasp or even desire b/c it just doesn't seem real, but there is such freedom in coming to the acceptance that ultimately it's not up to us to cause growth or to bear fruit. I pray (and ask you to pray) that we will continue to internalize this lesson, seek to truly abide in Christ, and yield our lives to bear the fruit which God has called us to produce.