Active Passivity

For the past few months God has entrusted me with an amazing group of godly young women to lead in Bible study.  Joining in with this new group was scary for me (and them)--I had thought that my days of leading college Bible studies were over...but when Patrick & I began to pray about a career change for me, God provided the amazing opportunity to work on a part-time basis with the Campus Crusade for Christ staff team and lead this amazing group of young ladies! I prayed all summer long about the girls in the group--specifically that God would make them teachable and provide opportunities for us to grow close as a body of Christ.  I was looking over my prayer journal recently about entries around the time that this decision was made.  I wrote this entry on what my attitude should be based on I Cor ch 1- 3 (which I actually re-read today):

How should I start this group?

• not with superiority of speech or wisdom 
• determined to know nothing except Christ crucified
• with them in weakness, fear, and trembling
• to demonstrate the Spirit & power, not persuasive words of "wisdom"
• seeking to help them rest their faith on the power of God, not the wisdom of men

I continued to pray all summer long for the Lord to prepare my heart, keep me humble, and focus on turning them towards Him rather than trying to get glory for myself (one of my bigger sin issues).  I also prayed specifically for the Lord to provide specific things in common with the girls to provide a more natural transition--and God did this in amazing ways!  Seriously, I have something unique in common with each girl in the group that I feel like God divinely ordained to make this ministry fruitful and unifying to glorify Him.  It is so amazing to see how in just a few short months they are pouring our their hearts to me and one another--a true picture of unity in the body of believers--and through that they are pouring into other students in Crusade and on campus.  AMAZING!

But the crazy thing is, despite everything God has done, the majority of my prayers about this group contained the phrase "I'm scared."  I knew that God was directing me to serve in this way, but the group of ladies that I have are seniors, so firm in their walks with the Lord, and have also had several leaders of their group over their time in college.  In reality, I had not walked closely with the Lord on a consistent basis since I graduated college.  Time with Him was sporadic and out of duty rather than desire.  Going in to this semester I was keenly aware of my failings (you can read about that here) and the knowledge that I was no longer the Religious Studies & Philosophy major--full of Bible trivia and theology and all the "right" answers.  I had struggled with severe depression when my ideas of what the future would look like came crashing down; I had spent lots of time in a secular (but still very "bible belt") environment which taught me a LOT about what non-believers or those who are not actively pursuing the Lord need to know (and you know what?  it's not a bunch of big theological words) but in which I also cared maybe too much about "fitting in" (seriously?  am I in jr. high again?) than walking with the Lord.  I also struggled a lot for the first time with full-blown materialism and "stuff" lust as well as the desire to brainlessly zone out in front of the TV and magazines.  So yeah--a very different place than I was in while in college.  Just kinda a mess.

Then I started the 90 day Bible challenge (which I technically failed once I got to the New Testament--not yet done but still working on reading the Bible through in large chunks)  and do you know what?  When you spend time with the Lord--He works in your life!!  Crazy right??  Who would have thought that a relationship would be strengthened by regular time together?? God has taught me a lot through this for sure (which I will summarize when I'm through!).  On top of that, in Bible study we've been studying the book of Ephesians as a group (which I will be posting about and actually posting our lessons soon) and then as I meet one-on-one with each of them every other week for discipleship we are reading Abide in Christ by Andrew Murray (one of my favorites!).
 I feel like what I am learning most through all of these is our need for utter reliance on the Lord.  I feel like it can be summed up by the oxymoronic phrase "Active Passivity."  As we study John 15--the parable of the vine and the branches as a picture of our relationship with the Lord--we see the need for complete dependence on the Lord.  We can't do anything to make the vine (God) sustain us--by His plan, that is His role which is accomplished through the Holy Spirit.  But if we disconnect from the vine we whither and die.  Also, we cannot bear fruit of ourselves--have you ever seen a branch lying on the ground and just start flowering and sprouting fruit on its own?  Of course not!  Yet somehow we expect to do that.

This concept is so hard for us to grasp in many ways I think b/c of our cultural values.  Have you ever heard the phrase "If you want something done right you've got to do it yourself"?  Definitely not biblical--yet independence & self reliance are things we seem to aspire to above all.  Ultimately we cannot do anything for God.  Just like the branch, we are merely a vessel through which the Lord chooses to work and bear fruit.

So where does the "Active Passivity" come in?  Our role/activity is submission:  yield our life to the Lord, trust Him to accomplish what He promises, and wait for Him to work.  We have to actively do those things.  Yielding our direction & goals for life does not just happen when we pray one unbelieving prayer "Lord control my life" then push it aside and continue on in our own way.  I think one of the best examples of taking steps of faith to yield, trust, and wait is in Mark 9: 17-29, the story of the centurion asking Jesus to heal his son.  Verse 24 says "Immediately the boy's father cried out and began saying, 'I do believe; help my unbelief.'"  That prayerjust acknowledges our desire to take these steps of faith, yet our inability to actually make those attitude changes happen.  Over and over and over again we must pray "I yield my life to you--help me yield my life to you" and take every doubting impatient thought captive and pray this prayer and then wait for Him to work.  I think that--the waiting--may be hardest for me (though none of them are easy b/c I think my plans are better...).  It's just that waiting for the Lord's timing requires patience, and we are used to getting what we want NOW.  And honestly I think we (definitely I) just don't actually expect God to work.  When I was praying about being entrusted with this group, I was praying for the Lord to work, but the sense of fear really overcame me.  I did not truly believe that God would work in this situation--yet He did and continues to do so by His own power--not by my power or anything I say or do.

So that is one of the huge lessons of right now.  Honestly, it's abstract and difficult for any of us to grasp or even desire b/c it just doesn't seem real, but there is such freedom in coming to the acceptance that ultimately it's not up to us to cause growth or to bear fruit. I pray (and ask you to pray) that we will continue to internalize this lesson, seek to truly abide in Christ, and yield our lives to bear the fruit which God has called us to produce.

Trust and Obey

**disclaimer--please do not feel that this post is intended to guilt you into giving to my ministry.  I just need to work some of this out for myself and share what God is teaching me**

Tonight I lay in bed for over an hour.  Mentally calculating the things I need to do tomorrow and focusing on the fact that I have not been obedient to the Lord.  And as I lay there and prayed for the Lord to clear my mind and help me sleep, I got these horrible pains in my legs & hips, and also got the hymn "Trust & Obey" stuck in my head.  I wrestled with it for about 30-45 minutes and the song just got louder and the pain just got worse until I realized, I am supposed to do this NOW.  No more putting it off. Do you ever have a time when God is clearly impressing on your heart something that you are supposed to be doing, yet you fight it with all your might?  As I have been growing in the Lord over the past several months of ministry with Campus Crusade for Christ, I have been struggling with those things.

One of the primary areas in which I am struggling is the area of raising financial support in order to do vocational ministry.  It shouldn't be such a scary issue for me.  The monthly amount I need to raise is not large and I have been raised by parents whom God has consistently provided financially for in this way for over 30 years!  I know that God will provide--that has never been a question in my mind.  But I really struggle with guilt.  I gave up my job to do this in an economy where people are struggling to make ends meet--I had to leave that job due to health reasons, but I potentially could have found a "traditional" job to provide a steady income.  Yet that is not what God has called me to do.  He clearly provided a need and an opportunity--in the past three years, Global Service Network was founded which has allowed me the freedom to partner with Campus Crusade for Christ on a part-time basis, and to serve immediately on campus without having to raise all my financial support in advance.  This would not have been possible for me to do when Patrick & I first got married!!  At the same time, the need for women staff members on WKU's campus is dire!  Even with my part-time responsibilities, a need is being met for which God chose me.  There is no question in my heart that this is what I am supposed to be doing so why do I doubt the means by which I have to go about making it my "job"? 

I guess because this is not the convential way people do things.  I mean, it's fairly regular for students to raise money for a mission trip--but when it comes to living that way...it's just not what you see all the time.  And I have seen some very negative attitudes towards this lifestyle in friends and former co-workers.  Basically the viewpoint that doing this is lazy--not much better than welfare.  And those types of attitudes & comments have really cut to my heart.  There is no question about it--God has blessed Patrick & me financially.  We have sought to be good stewards of our money, but He has done things that no one can, so I feel guilt about that, and just about asking. 

But as I've been praying for the Lord to give me peace about this I've seen Biblical and cultural examples of this type of lifestyle-though many people aren't aware of them.  I realized (weirdly for the first time that I really grasped it) that a large part of tithes in a church that pays it's pastors go to those pastor's salaries...they are given as offerings from the church members for the Lord to provide for the ministers.  People take up money for causes all the time--fundraisers for schools, illnesses, endangered animals, health issues--and people gladly give to support something that they believe in.  And of course the apostle Paul took up financial gifts for his missionary journeys (mentioned throughout the letters but esp. II Cor. 9) and when Jesus sends out the seventy laborers in Luke 10 He instructs them to take what is given--depending on others with the affirmation that "the laborer is worthy of his wages (Luke 10:7).  I'm just praying to hold fast to these truths and trust the Lord to provide. 

Please pray for this ministry and for the Lord to continue growing and stretching my faith!  God is doing AMAZING things right now--the girls in my group are growing by leaps and bounds!  I have seen unity & vulnerability in this group come about within a matter of weeks and it is clearly something that only the Lord can do--and they are pouring out of the overflow of their hearts--serving in churches, in Crusade, and with the students in their classes.  But with growth comes growing pains!  We have dealt with some intense spiritual battle, brokenness over sin and where we need to be as opposed to where we are.  We are stretched and pulled as we ultimately seek to learn what it truly means to Abide in Christ--to yield our lives to Him, trust His leading and plan, and wait on His timing because He promises to work.  We have a women's panel this Friday night with several godly women in different stages of life prepared to answer questions about walking with the Lord--please pray that several students will show up--specifically freshman and ladies who are young or struggling in their faith.  Pray that God will move as we discuss what it means to be a woman of God!

And as I finish writing this and a few letters, the pain in my legs is subsiding...Trust & Obey!